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Ideas for self care in a stressful life situation

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I've been spending time away from my wife and kids at my parents working with their caregivers. Both are now on hospice as of last week. We had an incident with my dad where the caregivers and I thought he was going to pass right in front of us. He was in extreme distress.
I was focused the whole time doing what needed to be done etc. But now my PTSD fight or flight is raging. I haven't been this bad in a long time. Almost everything I hear/conversation I have I react as if it's aggression, and want to attack the aggressor with overwhelming force. (Ie start an argument that may go really bad). Family, strangers etc. and no amount of meditation, exercise, etc seems to be helping.

Any ideas? medicinals are out because I don't want to mix anything else with my current meds, especially the way I am right now. Last night I woke up because of all the tension in my back and neck.

Maybe I just need to vent some. IDK, tried talking with my wife but it didn't go too well. Doesn't help that a trigger for her is me being here without her. IDK, can't stop the caregiving, can't stop the reactions, feels like a wicked hamster wheel, which I just want to get off, but it's electric and keeps spinning faster.. thanks for listening.
 
I am sorry for what you are going through @Spokesperson brave , and am sorry it's both of your parents, and at once. I have gone through this more than once and do have a few ideas (not sure if they will help), but can't write back til tonight.

Hang in there.
 
Hi again @Spokesperson brave .

First of all, Idk how the relationships were with your parents, but either way there's grief: an excellent relationship is great loss, a less than ideal one the loss of what never was or couldn't be. Anticipatory grief is a real thing, and one stage is anger. And of course anger only scratches the surface of the deeper feelings. Can you identify what you are feeling? Also, anticipatory grief never covers it all, it is impossible. You said:
Almost everything I hear/conversation I have I react as if it's aggression, and want to attack the aggressor with overwhelming force. (Ie start an argument that may go really bad). Family, strangers etc. and no amount of meditation, exercise, etc seems to be helping.
It's ok to be angry. over loss; unfairness; worry about your wife; being burnt out, or any other number of things, even fear. Not your fault, and nothing illegite about it. I hope you can cut yourself some slack. When something is heard that angers you, can you ask yourself what part of it makes you angry, and why? If you can put words to it, just acknowledge how you're feeling, it can lose some force. It could also be more demands, from a tank already empty. And a loss of support, structure, creature comforts and the routine before this occurred. No chance of a break (so it seems), and a lot of sacrifice. Yet, feeling guilty because they are dying. Etc. Whatever you feel (in totality) is valid. Including anger at death itself.
Last night I woke up because of all the tension in my back and neck.
Practically, can you do anything to reduce it? Soak in a hot tub or swim, go for a walk, sit in nature; get a massage or chiropractor? Sleep and eating properly is probably deeply suffering, and the sleep I find is critical.
IDK, tried talking with my wife but it didn't go too well. Doesn't help that a trigger for her is me being here without her.
Do you both have ptsd? There is a point, or time, where something has to take precedence, in a mature way. Perhaps now your parents, as their time is likely limited. However, without taking care of yourself, you cannot help her, them or anyone else. But when you are totally spent it's because you have given everything, and often not long before there is a change, since it signifies how very unwell your parents are and have been. Also, there are some things you need to advocate for, and some things it's good to give up some control over. Fwiw, a person dying doesn't usually feel about things or wants in the same way they used to, and some of those things are not the intractable problem or loss we fear them to be for them. For example, a favorite food when they can't or don't feel like eating. Or going outside, 5 or 10 minutes may be enough. and their own emotions can include anger (at death or otherwise), too. And medication (esp pain medication) can cause hallucinations, distress, and acting or speaking in negative ways that may need to be taken with a grain of salt. Just being there means a lot.
can't stop the caregiving, can't stop the reactions, feels like a wicked hamster wheel, which I just want to get off, but it's electric and keeps spinning faster..
it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, black or white. Every visit is giving, but it sounds they are where they need to be, and that is part of what they're there for- so you can lay down the burden and know they are not alone, and they have the tools (such as medication) to try for pain management. But even their staff isn't (or shouldn't be!) working 24/7. Right now it sounds like you are occupied 24/7 with either doing, or worrying, and waiting for the moment (also normal, but not really predictable for most). The biggest ideas I can say begin small: blocking certain time to be there, but certain time for yourself. Turning over the burden and going to bed. Venting-yes- but that is also communicating, and you need an ear to hear your own struggles and needs. Doing things that are relaxing (or at least removed from care giving) knowing that, at some point yes, they will pass away, but frequently there is a few days of emotionally-wracking painful watching or waiting. But, what has really counted is what you have already done, and the fact you care (including about your wife). It is a terrible struggle. But each person has to grieve and struggle somewhat in their own corner; some of your wife's may need to be handling her own triggers. Because they are palliative, it will not be for an extended time (or is not likely).

As unlikely as it sounds, you can give yourself permission to relax, to sleep, to laugh, to not visit if you are overwhelmed or spent; to eat something you enjoy, watch a movie, go to bed, have a drink (but hopefully not 20), to choose to go back for a time with your wife, or to stay and trust she will get through it, you will get through it together.

Disregard anything not helpful. But please try to treat yourself as kindly as you are trying to be aware of for others' needs. And it's ok to cry, or rage on your own and write it out, or smash some eggs or dishes or a squash ball (if you have the energy). or skeet shoot or just sit in silence or drive or walk for hours if it can help bring you peace. Do even little things that bring you peace. Don't be hesitant to reach out to tak to someone, even anonymously. There are usually hospice help lines for support, too, or others helping with grief. And recognize perhaps this grief (and other things) are both contributing to your stress cup but also triggering symptom flares. It is a lot to contend with. 😟

I am very sorry and sad for your situation. i know the pain and uncertainty it may bring up with many triggers for you also, and it rarely is the time much can be discussed or resolved. It is much to bear. 😢
 
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Take a walk
Get fresh air
Take lots of little breaks
Step out as much as you can
Maybe write to your wife first then edit and tell her whats most important for her to know right now
I hope you find relief soon
 
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