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Identified a long-standing trigger

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Still Standing

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Being anxious about the possibility of having to move, as I was driving errands, today, I was thinking about NY's dense population and city with its tall buildings. Everything in me has my heels dug into the ground, so to speak. Then I thought about Seattle and how, even as a young kid, never liked being downtown. The buildings make me feel very unsafe. I have always been concerned that they are going to fall on me or bridges were going to collapse. I asked myself, why this would be. Instantly, my body went into panic mode...the heart thumping and feeling the need to run. Whaaaa'? Then I heard one work, "Earthquake". Oh my goodness!!!!!! I understood in that moment why the large cities cause me so much anxiety. I have lived through too many earthquakes, Washington state and California. I also had family that lived through Alaska's horrible earthquake in the '60's, which was very traumatic for everyone. While sitting at a red light, I had to work at swallowing the tears that welled up and flowed. The understanding of a very long-term fear overwhelmed me. Now I know why wandering through cities do not interest me and I avoid it at all costs. This is the first time that I have identified the source of a large trigger. I guess this is progress. Now to share this with my T....
 
Rather than start a new thread, I figured this one was along the same subject matter...triggers. Again today, as I am driving, a memory hit square in the back of my head and instantly triggered me. Like the earthquake one, this one made my eyes well up in tears. I wanted to slump down into a puddle of mud. Deep breaths, deep breaths!!! I can't pull over, so I struggle to regain control so I don't hit someone. This memory, I somehow failed to add to a list that I gave the therapist. Ugh. If I mention it, it means that it is going to be addressed. Gulp. Until today, I have always looked at this memory as a matter of fact. It happened, I dealt with it, it is over, big deal. Apparently not. Today was the first time I felt a hit of fear and anxiety over it. The memory is that of my mother attempting to kill her 3rd husband. I stopped her, as she swung a hatchet for the back of his head. That is all I can say. :( Why now...these surfacing feelings? Do the triggers calm down as you progress in therapy? Having two big ones only a few days apart is pretty tough to deal with. What a way to ruin a good day. So, this leads me to the trauma diaries. Do they really help you, letting all the world read them? I admit, I am a little paranoid about being so exposed by doing one. I don't mind sharing bits and pieces of my history in random threads, but to put it all in one place seems a little overwhelming and bit threatening ( of what I don't know ). I would love to hear your opinions about doing a diary...beneficial or not.
 
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