If I Could I Would..


(I thought about writing this in my own diary, but I will post it here instead(despite the fact it scares me).) I will play a game with my self(anyone who wants to can join in or use it by them selves):

If I could I would:

  • Dance in public, and not be ashamed of my self but enjoying my self immensely. (I'm not talking about doing it while being drunk, I'm talking about being able to it sober. For example to join in when there is a street festival or something like that.. A friend of mine is talking about having a "dance-parade" through our town... Joining in on that seems just impossible to me!)
  • Let people stand close to me without getting scared, all tensed up, or getting flashbacks from some trauma in my life. A plus would be to be able to let people stand close to me, in a line or things like that, and even be able to feel comfortable in the situation.
  • be able to flirt with men without panicking and immediately start running like a mad person(knocking over stuff on my way out of the place if I'm on a bad day).
  • have eye contact with a man without panicking or tensing up.
  • draw, sketch and paint without hearing the inner voice criticizing me non stop, telling me I'm worthless and wasting my time.
  • have fun for hours and not feel guilty or thinking about being "good at it".
  • have more than two, three good days in a row and not immediately feel like there must be something wrong, and start to look for the catastrophe/the bad things coming at me(and not doing anything to self-sabotage either).
  • sit close to a friend and hold her while she's hurting and crying. (I want to so much, but I just can't!)
  • be able to hear a plate or a glass being dropped and breaking, and not being startled and freak out. (I don't freak out so others can see much nowadays; I'm pretty controlled, but nevertheless I freak out inside big time.)
  • see a movie with scary stuff in it and not freaking out and have a whole week ruined.
  • see a movie with people making a fool out of them selfs and not having a panic attack and feeling like puking and hiding and/or running.
  • feel like a good enough mother, and not feeling inadequate all of the time.
  • be open and honest even when people don't like it and might get angry with me when I say what I need to say.
  • be silly and do mistakes in public without wanting to die. Literally.
  • Stop doubting my therapist, even for a second. Since I have no reason to.
  • concentrate on a book for more than five minutes(or less really most of the time).

(I will probably find more things if I give it time.. Maybe something I can check out later, further ahead in the healing process sort of to see how far I've come by then, or not.. I don't know what's realistic to expect from this process and doing the 'foot-work'. )


Very thought provoking. :)
Thank you. I'm trying to provoke my self.. :D And I like to have some structure. And also I'm so very tired of the denial-shit happening over and over again; I asked my therapist the other day if I'm finished with therapy now; and he gave me a strange look and talked about the goals we set up in the beginning.. But those goals were so "fuzzy" so I thought I should try and make a clearer list of what I would like to be able to do if I could. = but I don't know what's realistic to expect really, so I guess time will tell. But some of it I do believe I will be able to achieve. Someday. (In babysteps.. I'm great at taking giant steps, and then falling back down again..)