I learned very early in life, at age 10 to compartmentalize my life. This is how I survived my abuse, unfortunately, that skill learned at an early age that probably kept me alive has also ruined my life. It is not just the abuse that I compartmentalize it is everything in my life. After 50 years of doing this I do not know how to do anything else and it is a habit that leads to a lot of damage. I am terrible at dealing with negative issues and do my best to simply avoid or pretend they are not happening.
My history is very complicated and finally going through this process my life seems so confused and unclear. Like most people in the world life goes up and down with good and bad things happening. I lived for 40+ years pretending I had a normal life and a chance but I now am beginning to understand all that is a fantasy. Actually the fact that I have done as well as I have is a sort of miracle in itself. While my childhood and life was a mess I have managed to give my 2 children as stable and normal a life as possible. I never went to college although I should have, circumstances growing up and choices I made resulted in that being impossible. I was basically on my own from 17 and wild. They are both now grown 34 & 27 an economist with a masters and the other a PHD. I was fortunate that I had the ability to pay for my kids schooling and expenses so they both graduated with zero debt. This may be the only thing I have not f*cked up in my life.
When I think back to my childhood the bits and pieces I can remember, I do not like what I see and bury that as well. I managed through the years of my kids growing up by basically burying my entire life so I could deliver a sense of normalcy to them but now it is all leaking out. If it all comes back, I am not sure I will be able to survive and live with myself once that becomes uncovered. I start with a new T next week and I hope that helps because at the moment I feel like a hollowed out shell surviving by burying every emotion trying to escape! Like the little Dutch boy sticking my finger in the dyke, it is no longer working
My history is very complicated and finally going through this process my life seems so confused and unclear. Like most people in the world life goes up and down with good and bad things happening. I lived for 40+ years pretending I had a normal life and a chance but I now am beginning to understand all that is a fantasy. Actually the fact that I have done as well as I have is a sort of miracle in itself. While my childhood and life was a mess I have managed to give my 2 children as stable and normal a life as possible. I never went to college although I should have, circumstances growing up and choices I made resulted in that being impossible. I was basically on my own from 17 and wild. They are both now grown 34 & 27 an economist with a masters and the other a PHD. I was fortunate that I had the ability to pay for my kids schooling and expenses so they both graduated with zero debt. This may be the only thing I have not f*cked up in my life.
When I think back to my childhood the bits and pieces I can remember, I do not like what I see and bury that as well. I managed through the years of my kids growing up by basically burying my entire life so I could deliver a sense of normalcy to them but now it is all leaking out. If it all comes back, I am not sure I will be able to survive and live with myself once that becomes uncovered. I start with a new T next week and I hope that helps because at the moment I feel like a hollowed out shell surviving by burying every emotion trying to escape! Like the little Dutch boy sticking my finger in the dyke, it is no longer working