I've been doing an extreme amount of self reflection, and emotional analysis. Yes I over think things, but I have to see things from all angles to understand anything. So I viewed my mental state like Christmas lights in one big ball. I need to slowly untangle things, and trace things back. I've been able to come up with the first panic attack I've had, that I can remember. Which happened when I was sexually abused by a neighbor boy when I was six or seven. His parents had a pop up camper. He wanted to show me you could still get in there when it's closed up, and it's like a secret hiding place. He had me go in first then shut the door behind him. I don't know why, but I instantly panicked. I was trapped and wanted out. He wouldn't let me. I started screaming and crying to let me out. He kept trying to calm me down. Then said the only way I'm getting out is if I go down on him. I was still sobbing and said no way. He said he would do it to me first to show it feels good, then it's my turn. I had no choice. So that was my first sequel experience. I never talked to him again. I walked a couple of extra blocks to school to avoid his house. That led to much worse abuse by lots of people. I got quiet and withdrawn. Which seemed to just put a target on my back for bullies. On top of that I had a brother who was worse than any bully. Sometimes he would act like my only friend. Then when I let down my guard I would get beaten. He would beat me, burn me, stab me, and lie about me to get me beat up at school by people I didn't even know. He even hung me from a tree. I was so close to dying. The worst thing he would do, however, is he would catch me while I was sleeping to attack me sometimes. Hot sauce in the eyes, or whatever he though would hurt the most. He would jump on top of me to pin me down while I was under the covers. Throw the covers o ver my head and hold it tight while beating me. I've learned to take a beating. I don't even consider that a threat anymore, but under the covers I can't move. I'm trapped. I would explode into the most frantic crying and screaming. When he had enough of my screams he would leave, and I would just cry for hours. I never realized that I freaked out so hard because of what happened with the neighbor. So I tend to panic when anyone gets too close. I might not show it much, but you can definitely see my discomfort when I actually make any contact with anyone. Whether it's a hug, or handshake. Both of wish are extremely rare for me, and usually forced on me. I thought examining my thoughts, and feeling would help put things in perspective, but I didn't realize how much I shove to the back of my mind to just get through another day. I didn't realize how that first experience shapped me. Now I'm a 39 year old guy that's never really been in a relationship, or even had sex. So it's been a slow and very confusing process to examine that part of my life, but it kind of led me to the realization that I'm gay. I really don't want to be. My life is hard enough the way it is. I live in a small farming town. When I was in school gay bashing was a thing...a normalized thing. I honestly think if people found out, it wouldn't take long to end up in the hospital. I've been so repressed from fear that I never even considered it as a possibility. I started trying to understand myself to find a way to want to live. I've got to say this is a curve ball I wasn't expecting, and I feel like it's smashed all the progress I've made recently with getting my negative thoughts under control. Now I'm right back to wanting to die. Every time I try to climb out of this pit, I get to the top just to realize that was just a small cliff on the face of an even bigger mountain. I don't know if I even have enough energy to keep climbing. I just want to roll over in bed, and just stop existing. I've never cried so much, and I've never felt shame for just existing before. There are two things that spark hate in my community. That's non white people, and gays. I'm never going to feel safe.