General If You Don't Like The Responses...

Not open for further replies.


I would like to think that being honest with someone is better than skirting round and trying to be polite just to lesson the impact that really needs to be made.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend who asked my advise about something, indirectly connected to ptsd but to someone suffering. Unfortunately I went full pelt with my answer no hold barred, I really thought I had gone too far. But they know me enough to expect total honesty, this is what they got.

The after effect was amazing they thanked me no end because I was the only one who had done that. No fluffy answers, just telling them what a total and complete idiot they where for risking everything and why they should go away and think about what I had said.

That friend now thinks I am wonderful (take me down off the pedestal please) I'm only human with common sense answers.

They were actually in a bit of a bad space before I started, but ended up thinking in better frame of mind.

So in a way I am a bit like you Nicolette, as sometimes the only way to go is the honest straight to it way.

Walking on eggshells is OK, but it does depend on the person and the situation, as sometimes straight talking is better.

I hope this does not sound like I do this all the time, just when it is necessary.




If you don't like the responses

I think Seeking Nirvana brings up a point. The first few posts here you (meaning all of us) are kind of vulnerable.

After being here awhile I've noticed this to be true. Most if not all people are very sensitive entering this forum due to the nature of our illness.

And please realize that this an encouragement to help others, not an indictment of how anyone does it. I am in no way saying people hurt others on purpose here. Just opening discussion.

I will say it for you then :wink:. There are people here that hurt others on purpose, and I'm one of them.

I intentionally said something to bec to hurt her a long time ago. I don't do this sort of thing on a regular basis, but I do recall doing it to her twice because I thought she was mean, but now I see her in a different light as just telling it like she sees it, or calling a spade a spade.

Also, there was another member once but I forgot who or why? I regret it now, but I'm certain I'm not the only one here that has done it.



I Was Not Going To Say Anything More


I sometimes can't stop from adding my 2 cents worth and maybe saying too much.

My bringing up thoughts is because of me. My feelings.

There have been times early on that I just felt SO BAD that I just needed someone to say they hear me and have empathy. Just felt so alone. I was not ready for the hard truth initially. The recognition that this is now a life long process instead of hope for a sort of immediate improvement. I had read about some of it but could not accept it at first. And, if I have those feelings then probably someone else here for the first time does too. That's my only intent.

I got that support here. And I, again, do not intend to indict anyone. And I hear and understand others valid opinions. Just sharing MY feelings.

I now actually appreciate and kind of look forward to those other opinions and ideas. I hope that every single person that searches for answers and understanding and help here, finds that.


New Here
Since I am still new to this forum, I think I could put some of my thoughts in about being honest and telling the blunt truth to newcomers.

After my first blog, someone had replied and given me some excellent advise. I had to read and re-read the reply though, until it finally hit me hard, however, there was one line that really stuck with me and made me have to really dig deep into myself. He had replied that in the long run if things begin to get worse or even destructive that I might have to consider leaving the relationship. Even after all that my sufferer and I have been through, no one has ever said that to me.

I've always known that for the safety of me and my daughter that that is an option, but it was nice that someone else thought it was an option, too. I do want to express that I hope that it never comes to that, but that honest bluntness made me realize that someone was on my side. I think sometimes in my relationship with my sufferer that there are many moments that are not honest and blunt.

I appreciate that the support and responses that I receive here are honest. It's a nice change for once.


When I came on the forum I was at a very happy place in my, now exbf, (the one with PTSD), and I were in a great relationship. His PTSD was very controlled. I came here to get information and learn how to better deal and help him with his disorder.

When he left me, being very triggered.....I was heartbroken and I posted my disbelief, my confusion, my frustrations, my pain,...etc... and I got many replies from carers and sufferes alike.

I have to admit that many of the replies were not what I wanted to hear at the time....BUT I was always thankful that everyone was honest....even at times, brutally honest :)....I understood that the replies came from their life experiences....they had already been there or were still living it !

The replies I got made me think...think hard about everything involving the man I loved more then anything, made me think about the relationship and made me think about me !

The way we write our replies can differ....some take the "Feeling bad for the person" approach and some take the "Say it the way it is" many have said here on this thread. But they are always supportive, honest and helpful !

We never know how to really reply, will we hurt the person and make him or her go away ? .....will we have another chance of saying what we want to say ?

We come here for information, understanding, support and acceptance. At times for validation for our feelings, we come here for encouragement, comfort and for empathy. But we also come here for honesty.

What I truly believe is that we have to read all replies in the way they were meant....honest replies from those that were there and had experienced what we are experiencing. We should take people's opinions and suggestions....and apply them to our lives.

I stayed away from posting in the last month, cause I was at a bad place myself (again) :) ....and I needed a time-out.....I know that if I would have replied to some posts, I would have been more hurtful then helpful...cause I was frustrated again, so I opted not to reply. I am saying this cause I also believe that how we say things depends on how we are feeling at the time we reply.

As in everything in life...We ask for opinions and suggestions and we take what we think is best for us, for a particular time in our lives.

Sometimes we only want to be heard, vent our frustrations....and only want someone to hear us and lend us a shoulder to cry on ! We should offer the shoulder :)

We joined a forum that is made up of many different people, different backgrounds, beliefs and experiences....but with one thing in common PTSD. If we come here asking for opinions...we have to be prepared to listen and not get upset or insulted !

If we can't or are not willing to accept that...then we shouldn't be here asking in the first place :)

I, for one, am very happy I joined the forum....I have come to learn so much more then I ever thought I would.....I have come to make very good friends and I hope in the process I have helped a few along the way :)



I've posted this before, and I borrow this concept from the 12-Step programs who successfully help people in many dire situations.

"Take what you like, and leave the rest". and another good one when it comes to applying advice given is to remember "principles before personalities". So when advice is given, look at the principle behind it not the personality of the person giving the advice.(for exapmle, is someone advising you to leave your relationship in order to protect yourself from physical or emotional harm?, or is someone telling you not to take stuff personally because of the disorder?, or is someone challenging you because you can't give your sufferer the distance he or she needs?)- the principle behind the advice is what really counts.

The last concept from the 12 step groups that I think applies nicely to this forum is that no matter what, "Keep coming back". In meeting they recommend going to 12 meetings before deciding if it's right for you- perhaps visiting this site at least a certain amount of times and trying to keep an open mind before discounting advice is a good guideline for "beginners".

Just my two cents worth...



Yeah, I agree that you don't have to like the responses some people give and that anger is part and parcel of this 'illness' but I had a response from an editor that was quite frankly traumatizing. Slap in the face? Definitely with something I could not deal with at the time I read it.
If you have to sugar coat something its usually because what is said can potentially damage someone else. I would have at least preferred a forewarning that the post I was about to read contained graphic content or suffice it to say, a sugar coating that said, " I understand what you went through because I had an occurrence that was eerily similar...I will spare you the details until you feel you are ready to discuss the graphic content"
We are all at different stages of healing and empowering others in their healing journey is something we should all keep in mind. I had control taken away from me, I'd prefer to have a little control over the content of my own diary.

Just my two cents on the issue.


Still a thought provoking topic! SO MANY great insights! This is what I like to see here. Varying opinions that can make one think and maybe see something from a different perspective. I think Shoka's reference to the 12-step programs is interesting. New to me anyway. Others too, of course.

And no personal attacks. That is important. At least I hope no one feels threatened by other opinions.


True indeed. PTSD can make people become very selfish. I think this is also a survival response in a way as well, me or them kind of thing. It is not necessary in every day life. It is still no excuse to not respect or care about those around you. Everyone knows good from bad. It is still no excuse for someone to treat others badly or disrespect them in any way.

As a female sufferer of PTSD I can see the differences in male and female carers. I do not wish to offend anyone, but in general women do make better carers. I have never had a carer. Even at my lowest of the low I still had to just get on with it. I guess it depends a lot on whether you are in a long term relationship as well. I never got any sympathy ever. If I sat and drank myself into oblivion noone really cared. To be honest, I did not want sympathy either, just wanted to be back to how it was before. I was lucky to have an excellent therapist and a fantastic best friend.

I just got nasty comments made to me by my ex partner's. The kindest person was my female best friend. She cared for me. Certainly not my male ex partner/s ex's etc...

As for the responses part, if you don't want someones opinion don't ask it. Sometimes the truth hurts.


Thank you for posting this Nicolette. You mentioned "Sometimes it is may be that you don't want to hear what you know is the truth." And that hit home for me. I think it's human nature to not want to hear the painful truth sometimes. But I seem to find it easier hearing it on this forum then from close friends and family members. I appreciate all the support I get on this site, it has helped me alot!


I'm still finding new things on this site, it is so well set up, every area has been thought up and a place added for it. Still amzes me to find new things.

Just reading the above info and opinions of others. I did find the honesty here a bit of a slap in the face on first reading/joining ... but agree that honesty is very necessary for all the reasons you've given.

Another thing that overwhelmed me was the bluntness that the honesty is occasionally given. I can't say I feel it's necessary. (we're all different though, and this isn't an attack) Some of the above posts talk about Politeness or Honesty. It would be great if we could have both. You're right sugar coating achieves nothing, thats not what I mean. But some posts you read honesty, but also can read the sympathy/empathy from which it's given, wheres other posts the informations given like reading a dictionary, no warmth behind it.

As I said we're all different what works for me may not work for another. As you said anger is part of the territory. Its just a shame to have to have to walk eggshells.

Very much appreciating the wealth of wisdom here... glad I stayed :)

Deleted member 12723

Excellent thread. I have recieved so much healing since I joined a year ago. I only had one incident of personal attack and we mended it. We are still friends.

I think honesty is the best policy. I value it very much.
Not open for further replies.