Im 23 and never dated after abuse

newclassroom

New Here
I'm a 23 yo girl who hasnt dated but now wants to but is afraid and doesnt know how to date people. I grew up in an abusive house where I was abused by my biological father at age 7 or 8. When I was hardly 13 I lost my virginity to a guy 4 years older to me. My 13 year old self had no knowledge of what consequences can follow after having sex. I was still innocent but had done it all with some guy who chased me and said he loved me and my 13 year old self believed him. I was with that guy for a year who emotionally abused me and would blackmail me to do things w him. It was consensual sometimes but I still had no clue of the things I was doing and giving him consent for. I had no knowledge about sex or relationships or healthy relationships. I was 13. This guy had also recorded some videos of mine and shown it to people after which I was shamed horribly by my teachers and classmates. There was another guy who I'd met when I was around 11 who forced me to give him a blow job and he recorded a video of it and ran away. I didnt tell anything at that time to my family because there was so much chaos and I didnt register in my mind and hadn't processed it to realize that I was raped by that guy. Then when I was 13 I met the other guy which I talked about before. Im still financially dependent on my abuser.

I have always been lonely in my life. I have no girl gang. I have forgotten how to make friends. I had severe social anxiety before but even now when I'm better I haven't made any friends. I get anxious around guys. I do wish to date but so many people of my age just look around to hookup. I just want to socialize and casually date someone without feeling getting physical. I dont know how to casually see someone who will be okay with not getting physical. I also have to say that I'm 23 and feel like I want to be intimate with someone but I will not just because I want to. I dont need to but I definitely want to date without being afraid and taking things slow. Please help me. I'm sorry if this post was very long. Thank you so much if you read till here

I have used dating apps but I do not know how to casually date without getting physical. I can communicate my boundaries to the person but what to do if I get the urge to be intimate with someone which I absolutely dont need to be but you know what I'm saying. Also I just want to socialize and have fun. Make friends who are girls or guys but I have 0 and no clue. I have always been lonely and I dont want to but what do I do? Dating apps do not help. I tried bumble BFF feature to make friends with other girls but it sucks because most of them are busy and live 20 kms away. I've tried joining clubs or going to events but I cant seem to make friends. Please help me
 

vleon

Learning
I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child. You seem to feel awfully lonely. Reading your post brought back memories for me from a time, a few years ago, when I had no close friends. I took long walks outside and felt a painful longing when I saw other people walking together.

There's a risk that the abuse you have suffered and the loneliness you're experiencing makes you extra vulnerable when dating. If you have a date, make sure it's at a place with other people around. If you have any bad gut feelings, trust them and try to understand them instead of ignoring them. Having friends while you're dating would put you in a less vulnerable position, so I would focus on finding friends first, if I were you.
I get anxious around guys.
That's perfectly normal considering your history. I would be upfront with this on a first date if I felt safe to do so. You don't have to explain the things you have gone through. (And I don't think you should talk about your abuse on a first date.)
I also have to say that I'm 23 and feel like I want to be intimate with someone but I will not just because I want to. I dont need to but I definitely want to date without being afraid and taking things slow.
I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Is it that you want to be intimate with someone, but at the same time you don't?
but what to do if I get the urge to be intimate with someone which I absolutely dont need to be but you know what I'm saying
Once again I don't understand what you're trying to say.
Dating apps do not help.
What have been your experience with dating apps?
I tried bumble BFF feature to make friends with other girls but it sucks because most of them are busy and live 20 kms away. I've tried joining clubs or going to events but I cant seem to make friends
Is physical distance a challenge for you, as in, do you live in a rural area?
What happened when you tried to join clubs?
 
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