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Undiagnosed I'm a complex mess

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Aphotic

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Last time I was on a forum like this one I left because the 'atmosphere' of it wasn't really helping my mood much. But hey, take two.

I'm an unemployed, recently graduated from senior highschool, mentally disturbed lady. I'm not sure if I have PTSD, though it would make sense if I do. I'm currently in the process of getting a psych appointment but it's a little hard at the moment. I still live with my parents and they're quite nosy and persistent.

But a bit of background, I've been having deep depressive spouts for a few years now but maybe only for the past year have I been getting PTSD symptoms. Some days I will feel okay, but other days I can barely think straight. The emptiness, the anxiety, nightmares, hallucinations, a kind of dissociation with myself - where I'm confused as to who I even am, what I'm doing, what I want, what I like, what I hate. My nightmares horrify me, either directly related to what's happened to me, or about other traumatic events. Last year was extremely difficult, finishing up Grade 12 and another course on top of that whilst dealing with my own mental shit. My teacher gave me the nickname 'Little Darkling' which is probably a good summary of what to think of me. I was described to look 'dead' and 'emotionless', and I was extremely unmotivated to do anything. It's a miracle I actually passed I think.

But prior to all this - I was brought up by my mother and step-dad, my step-dad I really do not like. He's had a history of yelling, smashing cups and plates, slapping, overall just being a stubborn piece of shit that won't listen to anyone. My mother is a guilt tripping, dependent annoying fly that just does whatever her husband wants. For as long as I remember, I was taught to never speak back, only listen and agree, no matter what I'm asked to do. If they say something about me such as "You're lazy and doing nothing with your life", even though I'm trying the best I can, I can try and tell them that but they're so predictable. They'll always return with "You're making up excuses". And if I go against what they say even more, then it just turns into them yelling and screaming at me. So basically, for my entire life, I've had this mask I wear whenever I'm at home. I cannot speak my mind, cannot show my emotions. I'm not allowed to cry, not allowed to whine. I remember the many times where my step-dad would stand me in the hallway, shouting at me for maybe hours on end until my feet hurt from standing. Those times I would try my hardest to dissociate myself from everything, and I got quite good at it actually. I managed to only focus half of my attention on what he was saying, just enough to reply with "Yes" or "No", whilst the other half of my attention was off in god-knows-where-land. It got a little harder when he started wanting better answers like "I understand", "Yes, I know", but I managed. If I said something wrong though, I would be slapped. Now though, I know exactly what they want and expect from me so I'm able to just do what they want without them getting angry. They still talk shit about me but I just agree to avoid any conflict.

This upbringing though essentially ruined me in several regards. I've always been extremely private, even to my closest friends at school. Even when my dogs died, when my bird died, I said nothing to anyone. I remember once when I couldn't hold it anymore and I came to school crying but I only needed 5 minutes to calm myself down and do what I usually do - act as if nothing is wrong. A few years ago I met someone online and we got into a relationship. I thought he was the sweetest thing, but I was terribly naive. For three years, I was doing what I did best; "Do whatever makes you happy". Our relationship wasn't built up on what we enjoyed, was only built up on what HE enjoyed. If he wanted to do something I didn't want to do, I did it anyway. If I DIDN'T do what he wanted though, then he'd start his whining and moping, crying and snotting. And I hated seeing him like that, so I just did what he asked. Thus another few years of putting on a mask, doing what I'm told, just trying to keep the peace. Whenever I felt completely depressed and hopeless, he would tell me to snap out of it. (An important note, he had psuedo intestinal obstruction, and had several medical devices hooked up to him to keep him alive.) So one time, he was so frustrated with me and my mood swings, I can't remember the details but I remember, we were on a video call. He took out one of the tubes that attached to his body, and I was watching literally the blood draining from his body, willingly. It was all over the floor, the desk, and he was staring at me with the coldest expression. He told me to stop feeling the way I felt. The depressive thoughts went away, sure, not because he actually fixed anything, but because now I felt nothing but fear. I begged him to put it back in, and after a while he finally did. I blamed myself for it, told myself that I shouldn't have shared my emotions because whenever I do, bad things happen. And thus, more mask. I never told him anything.

2 years into the relationship I met someone else, who still today is the most important person in my life, and I'm sure I would honestly be dead without him. I'll nickname him Light for now, probably super cheesy but whatever, it works. He saw my predicament, saw how unhappy I was, he was the first person to ever actually sympathise with me. We were close friends at first, but that soon developed into another romantic relationship. Yes, I cheated on my partner, but I was so desperate to actually feel some kind of belonging and acceptance. I actually felt happy around Light, just talking to him (which is all we ever do), made me feel so good and loved. He helped point out things so terribly wrong in the relationship, showed me how it was emotionally abusive, that I'm thankful for.
At the 3rd year, I flew to the US to visit my shitty partner for a month. A lot of stuff happened, I remember the countless nights I locked myself in a bathroom or walked out in the streets alone at night just to get away. I didn't want to go and visit him, but we paid for the tickets, I had no choice. I told him I didn't want sex, but that made him angry, sad, he whined and moped, I had to do it. Many times he pinned me down, but he wouldn't do anything other than that. Instead he would have me do it all, forced me to please him. At one point he did it without a condom and I was terrified I would become pregnant - thankfully that didn't happen. When I occasionally had my depressive episodes, I would walk out to be alone, but on occasions my partner grabbed me, refused to let me go. He held my wrist so tight, pulled me back.
Nearing the end of the trip, I was so ready to leave... but his parents and my parents made a sudden proposition, that me and my partner get married. (We got engaged a few weeks prior, he proposed to me in a crowded restaurant on New Year's night. Why would I say 'no' and humiliate him in front of everyone, his family, and mine?) Getting married was the last thing I wanted to do though, I was 17. But what was I supposed to do, I felt so conflicted. Many times I said; "Do what you want", unable to tell them how I really felt, it hurt inside so much but I couldn't stand to make anyone angry or upset with me. By a miracle, somehow, when they asked me about it another time later, I managed to say 'No'. This upset my partner a lot, he was begging we get married but I just couldn't do it anymore. I told him I didn't want to.
When I got back to Australia, I finally did what I should have done long ago. Light helped to convince me it was for the best, I broke up with my partner and as a result, I lost a good portion of my friends who all sided with my ex. I cut all ties with him, and I'm so glad I'm not with him anymore.

It's just been me and Light since then, and I can't describe how happy he makes me feel. He listens, he understands, given me things I've never had. I've had to make new friends but it is what it is. Problem is, our relationship is a secret from everyone. That is because of our age difference. He is 30 years older, but our relationship is entirely consensual. He gave me his life to peer into and I gave him mine. Last year we made an effort to visit each other. Since - it's another long distance relationship. I flew across the world on my own to visit him, so longing for a few weeks I could spend with someone who actually knows me, who I can be maskless around. Of course, I didn't tell my parents I was in a relationship with anyone, I just told them I was visiting a friend. But when I got to the gate, they refused my entry. I don't know why it traumatized me so much, but it did. I remember being put into a room, where I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, not even Light. I had these intrusive visions of how he must have felt at that time and it's like I had not only my emotions but his emotions to deal with at the same time. I was there for hours, I don't know how long, I wasn't given a clock and they confiscated all my items. I was sitting in a corner, crying myself to sleep, dissociating myself from everything, begging it all to be a nightmare. I remember thinking, so anxious and worried, what would happen to Light? Now that he's suspected as some kind of pedo... and what would happen to me when I got back home? What would my parents do to me seeing as border control told them EVERYTHING. Something happened then, some kind of switch. It's like I completely died inside. Ever since then, I've felt this dreadful guilt. Now Light is under police investigation, and it's all because of me. I may be the cause of his life being ruined, and I fear the day that happens. I was scared, lonely, lost. I had to endure two more flights getting back home, every minute felt like a stab in my gut, terrified of what I would come to when I came back.

Life felt like hell for a while after that, an indescribable guilt, fear, anxiety, regret. I wanted to make myself happy, do something for myself for once, and I couldn't. Instead I made everything worse. Light and I still want to meet up one day, but I told him that he would have to come visit me instead, because I don't think I would be able to take going on another plane ever again - that we've agreed on. And so now, I still live with my shitty parents who ask me every day if I have a job yet or not, or if I have my driver's license, or if I'll stop being lazy. I've been trying to look for a job for 6 months now, I want to get out of this house, I want to finally take off this stupid mask. I hate these nightmares, these hallucinations, I hate the way my mind works. Some days I want to smash my head against something in hopes I can erase my memories, so that I can forget everything that's happened to me, everything that's been said to me.
I'm just seeking some freedom, a place where I can be open, be myself, share my thoughts and my feelings. But that might take a while. Until then, Light is helping to pay for my doctor/psych appointments I'll have. I've asked my parents before but they refuse to pay for it, they say I don't need it.
I draw as a hobby too, and that keeps me a little more sane. I swear the paper I draw on knows more about me than the people who raised me. I've created a bunch of my own characters, of which I pour my own thoughts and personality into. It helps immensely I think, to express myself like that, to relate to something, even if it is fictional.

Sorry for the terribly long read, (and any grammar/spelling mistakes), it's a lot to digest. I'm just hoping that maybe I can get some advice, or insight, or anything.
 
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