I'm Boring And Weird

[Bees Are Awesome]

I want to say things. I want to be able to create a thought and be able to express that thought verbally or in written form. I want it to be a complete thought and easily understood by others. When I am talking, I don't want to stutter or trail off. I don't want to be interrupted when I have something to say.

My brain is busy and cluttered. There is constant noise. When I wake up in the morning I even have a song stuck in my head already. The thing is, though, with all of that going on I don't have anything to talk about with others. I am a wife and mom, a recovering alcoholic and a PTSD sufferer. Besides taking my kids to/from daycare, therapy twice a week, and one or two AA meetings, I don't often leave my house. I'm boring and weird.

When I am in a social situation my anxiety is so high. When I have to say something, often I stutter. People usually end up being unable to hear me, not being able to understand me, or end up interrupting me impatiently. I have no skill at small talk and I am terrible at keeping a conversation going.

My friends are all big talkers. I am totally fine with that. They have interesting lives. They go places and do things. I have been told I am a great listener and I'm glad I can be that way for my friends. When they ask about me, however, I really have nothing to say. I can take a few minutes and talk about my family but then I am stuck for conversation. No one wants to talk about this stuff: "I had a hellacious flashback yesterday." "I was so anxious I forgot what year it was and my address." "This morning I was terrified of an airplane crashing on my house." "I slept for four hours today because I felt like shit." "Hey, you want to hear about the time I was held captive in a house where a felon repeatedly sexually assaulted me?" "In therapy I am working on such and such..."

I feel hopeless and useless. I can barely leave my house. My poor kids are missing out on so many learning experiences and so much fun because of me. Sometimes I want to go back to drinking and just run away. That way my husband can find someone else to be a better mom to my kids. Despite that I am trying very hard in therapy but progress is very slow.

I am not sure what I am trying to accomplish with this post. I guess I just needed to say some stuff.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I don't believe you are boring and weird. You will drive yourself crazy comparing yourself to other people. Take things just one day at a time, and do the best you can within your limitations. Your children will understand, especially as they grow older. You are special and unique, even in the midst of your pain, and you only need to live up to your own personal standards, not the standards of others. This wave of despair will pass. They always do. Hang in there.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Thank you very much for the advice and kind words @Whispering_Truth.

 

[Chava]

I don't think you are boring or weird also. Actually though, I have to say weird never seems "boring" to me. I wish more people were more weird!

First, nobody can replace you. Your kids want you, right there inside your house, much more than they want some stand-in person who would take them on exciting adventures. Trust me on that. If there are things you can do at home, like play a game together, or read to them (not sure how old) or just have a conversation, that's huge. My mom was abusive but what also sticks out is we really never had a conversation. She never asked me questions or listened...like she didn't want to know me at all. Let the kids play and just check in and try to get to know them or be part of their world. You don't need big adventures. Actually, we had some of those growing up and really I just wanted someone to sit and the dinner table and talk to me like I was an interesting or valuable person. You don't need to go anywhere to do that for your kids.

I'm glad you get to AA meetings (me too)...hopefully that feels like a good connection. Anyone in the meetings you'd feel okay just inviting over for coffee sometime? Just getting to the meetings is great. Comparisons with friends isn't very fair to you, or them (who knows what they might actually deal with), but I won't go into that. Just consider who you want to be, what makes you feel okay, and that's plenty interesting. The good news is that this stuff often happens in our solitude...that's where we can figure out who we are without comparisons and without relation to others. Like do you have any interests or hobbies (maybe present or from your past) that you could begin to nurture? Photography, baking, scrapbooking, woodworking, sewing, art work, gardening, collecting something, playing an instrument, etc (endless possibilities). Or any community class that might interest you?

I went through a really painful lonely time a few years ago and got into artwork more. I did it just for me and to make that alone time a sort of more fulfilling solitude. I didn't expect to make connections through my work later on, but that did happen. I did it for me. Some of it made me "interesting" to others but I found that didn't matter. I just want to feel okay in my own skin but also feel accepted in spite of all of it...so I nurture my own interests but also those relationships where I feel safe, accepted, and never in a sort of competition.

Slow progress is fine. I actually find that fast progress more easily sets me back...I get too ungrounded. So I'm enjoying slow but deeper. Slow but steady wins the race, or however that goes (no race here either) :)

 

[awaken1]

Thank you for sharing this. I totally relate. I found a self-help support group that has taken me a long way in coming to terms and acceptance around this but the essential reality seems to still be the same. My default seems to be isolation, which I don't engage in anymore, but the compulsion is still there. I also find solace in reading Taoist writings.

I think I am boring and weird too. I'm usually never bored but I imagine my daily life to be too boring for a typical person. Who knows.