I'm broke but suicidal and looking for online work

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I know I sound like a mess. It's because I am. I have PTSD for maybe 11 years. I got through the rough part, somehow. Then 5 years ago I lost my job and relationship in the same month. I was too anxious to cope or even admit the position I was in, in a country that wasn't even my native country. Took a while, took almost losing everything to admit needing help. I was jobless, in debt, eating almost nothing(500gr of rice, 1 onion and 3 apples for a week, for example), socially anxious, suicidal and about to be evicted. I found cheaper place with roommates even terrified, I found free therapy, got on meds, found the cheapest groceries around, and I learned DBT. I started making enough to cover my rent and some debt. I was in a hole and I got out.

And now, after COVID, and back injury that kept me half-bedbound for a year, few relocations, few job changes, actual work in person for a first time in a decade... And somehow, here I am again. Staying with family for a bit, but kept my apartment to get back to in March. COVID year was gentle on me and it's now taking back its toll. I owe 3 months rent this month and the next 2. I only have one on time. I'm getting work, but in a week, which means 3 weeks to get paid. I have to travel, stay here then move again for 2 months,so all work I do will be online. I have other ideas to get cash, but I freeze so bad and cry all the time while applying. I question my existence daily, I talk to friends and crisis chats cause its all available to me without funds. I'm still in debt from the last time I was this suicidal and I can't even think about that.

Most of the days it's like I don't know if depression or hopelessness about my current state will win first.
And its not the end of the world that I can be evicted-though I had to move twice in 3 years and I'm nauseous at the idea.
But all my life possessions are there and I'm not even in the country.

I need to fight like hell to find work, break even, keep my place and get to therapy... But most days I have to fight like hell just to get up, like I can't even see straight. Like even if anything good happens I don't feel any less hopeless. I'm just... I have to raise above this, above the work, above being suicidal, above the time it will take to pay the debt and get stable mentally. And I don't know how. I'm lucky to have friends due to which I got through December. I may not be so lucky this month.

I feel like I've played all cards in my deck and not even halfway through the game.
How do I raise above when I constantly feel like I'm drowning?
 
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