I'm broke but suicidal and looking for online work

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I know I sound like a mess. It's because I am. I have PTSD for maybe 11 years. I got through the rough part, somehow. Then 5 years ago I lost my job and relationship in the same month. I was too anxious to cope or even admit the position I was in, in a country that wasn't even my native country. Took a while, took almost losing everything to admit needing help. I was jobless, in debt, eating almost nothing(500gr of rice, 1 onion and 3 apples for a week, for example), socially anxious, suicidal and about to be evicted. I found cheaper place with roommates even terrified, I found free therapy, got on meds, found the cheapest groceries around, and I learned DBT. I started making enough to cover my rent and some debt. I was in a hole and I got out.

And now, after COVID, and back injury that kept me half-bedbound for a year, few relocations, few job changes, actual work in person for a first time in a decade... And somehow, here I am again. Staying with family for a bit, but kept my apartment to get back to in March. COVID year was gentle on me and it's now taking back its toll. I owe 3 months rent this month and the next 2. I only have one on time. I'm getting work, but in a week, which means 3 weeks to get paid. I have to travel, stay here then move again for 2 months,so all work I do will be online. I have other ideas to get cash, but I freeze so bad and cry all the time while applying. I question my existence daily, I talk to friends and crisis chats cause its all available to me without funds. I'm still in debt from the last time I was this suicidal and I can't even think about that.

Most of the days it's like I don't know if depression or hopelessness about my current state will win first.
And its not the end of the world that I can be evicted-though I had to move twice in 3 years and I'm nauseous at the idea.
But all my life possessions are there and I'm not even in the country.

I need to fight like hell to find work, break even, keep my place and get to therapy... But most days I have to fight like hell just to get up, like I can't even see straight. Like even if anything good happens I don't feel any less hopeless. I'm just... I have to raise above this, above the work, above being suicidal, above the time it will take to pay the debt and get stable mentally. And I don't know how. I'm lucky to have friends due to which I got through December. I may not be so lucky this month.

I feel like I've played all cards in my deck and not even halfway through the game.
How do I raise above when I constantly feel like I'm drowning?
 

Actualise

Learning
Sometimes it seems like a long tunnel before you get to the light at the end of it. It can seem interminable and be exhausting. Know you’ve got support, you will get through and keep on through the heavy sledding bit. Sending you energy to continue on 💞.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes it seems like a long tunnel before you get to the light at the end of it. It can seem interminable and be exhausting. Know you’ve got support, you will get through and keep on through the heavy sledding bit. Sending you energy to continue on 💞.
You have no idea how much I need this this week and day in particular. I feel so depressed and so exhausted to keep trying.
 
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