ruborsanguinis
New Here
I'm not sure how to introduce myself without writing a novel ... But I'll try my best, haha.
I've suffered many traumas and I'm on my late 20's. From being sexualy abused by a school employee, to just having to deal with my narcissistic mother, who kicked me out of her house for many reasons, ranging from bad school grades to being gay.
If I'd to describe my family, a tangled bag of rotting snakes would be the best way to describe them...
Both my parents are in their late 60's and both of them were the black sheeps of their respective, fairly large families. That means I've many uncles and aunts, and they all avoided me, because of something they did before I was even born.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and my father joined a do-drugs-find-Nirvana religious hippie cult and left me with my mother.
She was physically abuse to me because I wasn't manly enough and I'm yet to find someone with a similar experience.
Many times I tried to reach out to my various family members, but they all told me to work thing out with my mother. My best solution was to shut everyone out and endure it for many years. She tried her best to sabotage my every move and keep me at her side, while also kicking me out of the house just to prove she was all that I had.
I eventually moved out/got kicked out of her house one last time and managed to survive with the help of some really nice people I met online. I also met a really nice guy, moved to his home country and we've been together for nearly 5 years.
He's fantastic and I really glad met him. I've no idea how he can put up with me, haha.
Honestly, I progressed so much in life because of him, and he helped me realise I'm faulty as a human in many ways too. Like how I'm really bad at recognising his emotions from time to time, or just "normal" human emotions. I guess I learned more about emotions with him, than I ever did before while I was alone.
I'd many breakdowns on his watch on our first years together and he has always been supportive. I'm very grateful for that. I think this is the first time in my life that I ever had any resemblance of normalcy. I even managed to go to therapy for some time, although I eventually dropped it, because my therapist and I started having some issues with scheduling.
Anyway, I mostly haven't had any big issues for the last 3 years, then I started to attend an online music college this semester, and we got to the sad music part of it. It triggered the sh*t out of me and it feels like the last 3 years were taken from me. Last week we were drinking and I'd this massive impostor syndrome episode (I now see for what it was), which culminated on me lying in bed and taking my troubles out on the bedside table and my phone's power cord, I also tried to convince him I wasn't going to get electrocuted from it, and my partner was trying to restrain me and telling me to go sleep. I remember it all. My partner asked if I wanted to talk about it on the next day and I told him it was momentary lapse in judgement.
I guess whatever lives on me was just asleep inside me and now I feel like I'm being watched by my partner and he secretly hates me.
Well, I did write a novel. I hope it wasn't a terrible read, or it at least makes sense, haha.
P.S.: I wrote this on my phone. I bet there are a lot of typos...
I've suffered many traumas and I'm on my late 20's. From being sexualy abused by a school employee, to just having to deal with my narcissistic mother, who kicked me out of her house for many reasons, ranging from bad school grades to being gay.
If I'd to describe my family, a tangled bag of rotting snakes would be the best way to describe them...
Both my parents are in their late 60's and both of them were the black sheeps of their respective, fairly large families. That means I've many uncles and aunts, and they all avoided me, because of something they did before I was even born.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and my father joined a do-drugs-find-Nirvana religious hippie cult and left me with my mother.
She was physically abuse to me because I wasn't manly enough and I'm yet to find someone with a similar experience.
Many times I tried to reach out to my various family members, but they all told me to work thing out with my mother. My best solution was to shut everyone out and endure it for many years. She tried her best to sabotage my every move and keep me at her side, while also kicking me out of the house just to prove she was all that I had.
I eventually moved out/got kicked out of her house one last time and managed to survive with the help of some really nice people I met online. I also met a really nice guy, moved to his home country and we've been together for nearly 5 years.
He's fantastic and I really glad met him. I've no idea how he can put up with me, haha.
Honestly, I progressed so much in life because of him, and he helped me realise I'm faulty as a human in many ways too. Like how I'm really bad at recognising his emotions from time to time, or just "normal" human emotions. I guess I learned more about emotions with him, than I ever did before while I was alone.
I'd many breakdowns on his watch on our first years together and he has always been supportive. I'm very grateful for that. I think this is the first time in my life that I ever had any resemblance of normalcy. I even managed to go to therapy for some time, although I eventually dropped it, because my therapist and I started having some issues with scheduling.
Anyway, I mostly haven't had any big issues for the last 3 years, then I started to attend an online music college this semester, and we got to the sad music part of it. It triggered the sh*t out of me and it feels like the last 3 years were taken from me. Last week we were drinking and I'd this massive impostor syndrome episode (I now see for what it was), which culminated on me lying in bed and taking my troubles out on the bedside table and my phone's power cord, I also tried to convince him I wasn't going to get electrocuted from it, and my partner was trying to restrain me and telling me to go sleep. I remember it all. My partner asked if I wanted to talk about it on the next day and I told him it was momentary lapse in judgement.
I guess whatever lives on me was just asleep inside me and now I feel like I'm being watched by my partner and he secretly hates me.
Well, I did write a novel. I hope it wasn't a terrible read, or it at least makes sense, haha.
P.S.: I wrote this on my phone. I bet there are a lot of typos...