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Sufferer I'm burning. Sexual and physical abuse survivor now struggling in relationship.

Thread starter #1
I'm not sure how to introduce myself without writing a novel ... But I'll try my best, haha.
I've suffered many traumas and I'm on my late 20's. From being sexualy abused by a school employee, to just having to deal with my narcissistic mother, who kicked me out of her house for many reasons, ranging from bad school grades to being gay.
If I'd to describe my family, a tangled bag of rotting snakes would be the best way to describe them...
Both my parents are in their late 60's and both of them were the black sheeps of their respective, fairly large families. That means I've many uncles and aunts, and they all avoided me, because of something they did before I was even born.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and my father joined a do-drugs-find-Nirvana religious hippie cult and left me with my mother.
She was physically abuse to me because I wasn't manly enough and I'm yet to find someone with a similar experience.
Many times I tried to reach out to my various family members, but they all told me to work thing out with my mother. My best solution was to shut everyone out and endure it for many years. She tried her best to sabotage my every move and keep me at her side, while also kicking me out of the house just to prove she was all that I had.

I eventually moved out/got kicked out of her house one last time and managed to survive with the help of some really nice people I met online. I also met a really nice guy, moved to his home country and we've been together for nearly 5 years.

He's fantastic and I really glad met him. I've no idea how he can put up with me, haha.

Honestly, I progressed so much in life because of him, and he helped me realise I'm faulty as a human in many ways too. Like how I'm really bad at recognising his emotions from time to time, or just "normal" human emotions. I guess I learned more about emotions with him, than I ever did before while I was alone.

I'd many breakdowns on his watch on our first years together and he has always been supportive. I'm very grateful for that. I think this is the first time in my life that I ever had any resemblance of normalcy. I even managed to go to therapy for some time, although I eventually dropped it, because my therapist and I started having some issues with scheduling.

Anyway, I mostly haven't had any big issues for the last 3 years, then I started to attend an online music college this semester, and we got to the sad music part of it. It triggered the sh*t out of me and it feels like the last 3 years were taken from me. Last week we were drinking and I'd this massive impostor syndrome episode (I now see for what it was), which culminated on me lying in bed and taking my troubles out on the bedside table and my phone's power cord, I also tried to convince him I wasn't going to get electrocuted from it, and my partner was trying to restrain me and telling me to go sleep. I remember it all. My partner asked if I wanted to talk about it on the next day and I told him it was momentary lapse in judgement.
I guess whatever lives on me was just asleep inside me and now I feel like I'm being watched by my partner and he secretly hates me.

Well, I did write a novel. I hope it wasn't a terrible read, or it at least makes sense, haha.

P.S.: I wrote this on my phone. I bet there are a lot of typos...
 
#2
Welcome to the forums!

You have been through a lot. It takes courage to recognize a downward spiral. Have you considered getting back into counseling for support to get back on track?

. My partner asked if I wanted to talk about it on the next day and I told him it was momentary lapse in judgement.
I guess whatever lives on me was just asleep inside me and now I feel like I'm being watched by my partner and he secretly hates me.
Has he said he hates you?

We all have breaking points and anger/aggression (towards stuff) can be a reflection of the underlying fight or flight response that can get stuck "on" in PTSD. Have you considered returning to counseling to work this through and get back on track to living more of the life you want to live?

There is much reason for hope.
 
Thread starter #3
Welcome to the forums!

You have been through a lot. It takes courage to recognize a downward spiral. Have you considered getting back into counseling for support to get back on track?


Has he said he hates you?

We all have breaking points and anger/aggression (towards stuff) can be a reflection of the underlying fight or flight response that can get stuck "on" in PTSD. Have you considered returning to counseling to work this through and get back on track to living more of the life you want to live?

There is much reason for hope.
Hey, thank you for your reply and welcome :)

I've considered going back to therapy, but I'm still not 100% convinced to get back. I've no heart to go therapist hunting at the moment, but I think I'll get there eventually!

I don't think my partner hates me as a verifiable fact, but I feel like he does, although I know is not rational. He's not the type of person that would stick around someone he hates.
 
#4
Welcome.

Sorry you've been through a lot. Sounds handful.

I would be highly concerned about the way you talk of "very nice people" in a foreign country, and the whole relationship with him.

Sounds to me there are toxic and traumatic attachments at play, and the power balance in the relationship definitely doesn't play your hand, with too much dependence placed on him across many spheres of life.

Sounds consulting a therapist might be very beneficial.

And in case you have issues with literal fire, try 911 and the fire department. In case that isn't metaphorical or flashbacks.
 
Thread starter #5
Welcome.

Sorry you've been through a lot. Sounds handful.

I would be highly concerned about the way you talk of "very nice people" in a foreign country, and the whole relationship with him.

Sounds to me there are toxic and traumatic attachments at play, and the power balance in the relationship definitely doesn't play your hand, with too much dependence placed on him across many spheres of life.

Sounds consulting a therapist might be very beneficial.

And in case you have issues with literal fire, try 911 and the fire department. In case that isn't metaphorical or flashbacks.
Hey Ronin,

Sorry for taking so long to reply. I forgot about checking this place until now.

I sort of agree with you about the attachment issues, but when it comes to power balance, we both have a equal say in it. It's not like I do things I don't want just to please him or anything like that. He was also sexually abused as a child, so there's that as well. I guess my attachment issue come from me being avoidant in general and he's an exception to the rule and the fact that I live in a foreign country makes it harder for me to find friends and form new bonds, and also the fact that this in itself doesn't bother me. This does bother him, but he's not much better than I'm when it comes to forming new relationships.

My semester from college will end in a month. I think after I'm done with that I'll look for a new therapist. For me it's way harder to find one, since I'm not fluent in the language of this country yet, so I've a very limited range of options and most English speaking therapists focus on homesickness and things related to moving to a new country. My previous therapist ended up moving back to her new country and also had moved companies so she was still adapting to her new workplace while she was seeing me and her schedule was hard to keep up.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
#6
Hey Ronin,

Sorry for taking so long to reply. I forgot about checking this place until now.

I sort of agree with you about the attachment issues, but when it comes to power balance, we both have a equal say in it. It's not like I do things I don't want just to please him or anything like that. He was also sexually abused as a child, so there's that as well. I guess my attachment issue come from me being avoidant in general and he's an exception to the rule and the fact that I live in a foreign country makes it harder for me to find friends and form new bonds, and also the fact that this in itself doesn't bother me. This does bother him, but he's not much better than I'm when it comes to forming new relationships.

My semester from college will end in a month. I think after I'm done with that I'll look for a new therapist. For me it's way harder to find one, since I'm not fluent in the language of this country yet, so I've a very limited range of options and most English speaking therapists focus on homesickness and things related to moving to a new country. My previous therapist ended up moving back to her new country and also had moved companies so she was still adapting to her new workplace while she was seeing me and her schedule was hard to keep up.
There are you taking language lessons? Besides speaking with your partner and his friends learning your new language independently helps you forge some stability, short and sometimes longer term friendships in your new home, and structure.

I prefer to make local friends but it’s also important to know that there are lots of ( physical meetings of) expat groups especially for English speakers everywhere in the world.

You don’t mention gender ( apart from your partner’s). That I noticed but if you are a woman you could for example look for a local international womens club.

Having an independent network is good both for relationship health ( and looks T my feet with shame as I fail to practice what I preach that well here - 😳) to heal trauma through Interdependency in relationships of different types.


Welcome!
 
Thread starter #7
There are you taking language lessons? Besides speaking with your partner and his friends learning your new language independently helps you forge some stability, short and sometimes longer term friendships in your new home, and structure.

I prefer to make local friends but it’s also important to know that there are lots of ( physical meetings of) expat groups especially for English speakers everywhere in the world.

You don’t mention gender ( apart from your partner’s). That I noticed but if you are a woman you could for example look for a local international womens club.

Having an independent network is good both for relationship health ( and looks T my feet with shame as I fail to practice what I preach that well here - 😳) to heal trauma through Interdependency in relationships of different types.


Welcome!
Hey Mee,

I'm learning their language on my own. I took some language lessons on the beginning, but I stopped after sometime. I am good at learning languages on my own, I learned English this way. I can communicate well enough and understand quite a lot already, I think I'm on the mid-advanced level. It's definitely not enough for therapy, unfortunately. I agree that learning a new language is a great way to make friends and finding stability.

I also prefer local friends to foreigner friends(not that I'd not makes friends with foreigners!!!). I'm not fond of large grups at all and I find a first meeting face to face quite intimidating. But you gave me the idea of looking for some app to look for friends locally more effectively :)

I'm a gay guy btw.

And don't worry, I think most people have trouble following their own advice. What's important is that you know what needs to be done, you just need to find a creative solution or the strength to follow up on these things
 
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