I'm drained and slipping in darker places

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Fighting just to keep living is draining. I've been fighting for a few years on my own. Few times I thought I was getting better just for things to break again.
I was struggling even before 2020 hit, and I was just getting hang on things when it did, and there we go again.

Took me until this summer to start getting back to a great place.
And lately it's getting worse again, because of the way the world is right now. And I feel like I'm falling down a ravine, and hitting myself on rocks and trying to hold onto plants, and getting bloody, and hurt and scraped in the process and I still keep falling. And the more it goes on, the less energy and hope I have. And it just keeps getting harder and more draining and nothing is replenishing me and I keep falling. I've used every card I have and I keep falling.
And I've gotten help before, and I've gotten kindness, and I can't be that person again, I can't abuse that, because everyone is struggling.
There's no help. And I don't know how to replenish what I've lost (both financially, energy, emotionally).

I'm so drained I am starting to get hopeless again.
And there is no end.
And God, if I had hope, if I had energy, to change my life. But lately I don't.
And I keep falling.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, seeki. i'm having a hard time recovering from the covidic era, also, mostly because i don't believe it is over. even I.F. the maskites don't rise again, we still have to navigate the social changes, personal marginalization and trillions of dollars worth of debt and damage to the economy inflicted by the covidic management. i'm betting dollars to wishes that not even god knows how many flu seasons it will take to clean up all that collateral damage. by my admittedly paranoid measure, the covidic era won't be over until all of that is cleaned up.

sigh. . .
still. . . a life without hope is no life at all. i'm taking the covidic recovery one step at a time and letting god lead the dance.
healing hopes for all. no exceptions.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Oh it totally isn't over. Collateral damage of all that happened in 2020 and ever since, it keeps getting worse. The rise in prices is the worst by far currently. And it's likely not done yet. It's like there's no solace. Like I keep trying and I'm just hitting my head on a wall for no reason, I'm stuck.

I was good with taking things step by step. I was patient, even excited, I was moving forward, everything was improving. For a first time in years, I was improving unbelievably much and everyone noticed and everything was getting better. I was even happy.
And ever since September started it's been one crushing fall after another and it's like I went a 1000 steps backwards.
And I kept positive and proactive and patient, and again and again and again and then again, and ...
I'm running on empty and I just crashed again, and I don't know if I can get up this time.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
The rise in prices is the worst by far currently.

i've been through enough recessions, etc., to believe the prices are just universally applied numbers and of secondary consequence. however broke i am, i am in the same boat as everybody else and empathy is easy to come by.

in my own case, corona crowned over a family tragedy which left me with deep personal trauma and 3 young orphans to raise, starting at age 65. it weren't covid, so it didn't count. just shuffle it off to the social margins along with the rest of the world's youth and physically sound citizens. virtual family court and virtual social worker meetings were? ? ? well? ? ? virtual? ? ? does "virtual" still mean almost? that body of rules was hard enough to interpret before they went masked and socially distant, as were the vast changes which have happened since my first parenting career in the 80's/90's. parenting by smart phone looks less than smart to this old-timer.

three years later, my little ship of fools seems to have stabilized in spite of it all, but ? ? ? dare i believe it? ? ? what if ? ? ?

I'm running on empty and I just crashed again, and I don't know if I can get up this time.

ditto. . .
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry about your situation, that does sound hard. How do you find strength? I used to be able to. I agree virtual meetings and social distancing was not the greatest to add to... already hard situation. Prices are of secondary consequence only if they don't directly impede your ability to eat/pay your bills/rent/cover your health. Because of 2 big traumatic experiences, I got PTSD early on (was 21). I am now 33 and my work history is very spotty because of how long it took me to get help. So I never got to be stable for a very long time, financially, very specifically in the last 4 years. Before that I got by for a while, not enough to save, but okay. These last years? Sometimes, many times, I had to rely on luck, creativity, selling what I can, learning new jobs and help from people that loved me. I thought I was finally going to be able to be more independent and prove that I can be the one to help my parents or people in need in my life. I was born lower middle class, right at the edge of being poor, so, everything was always a crisis as I grew up. Changes of season, growing, holidays. But I studied to get education to do better. And then PTSD. And this summer? I was so great! I was working, I was independent, I was supporting people. Now each week is another struggle. And I'm so tired that I want to disappear.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
the folks who sold me into child prostitution were big believers in the power of the almighty dollar. money fixes everything. if i could just win the lottery. . .

by the time i escaped the u.s. throwaway kid camps in 1973, i solidly believed that personal integrity is a far more valuable asset than any asset in the world. honoring debts is an important part of my personal integrity, but the currency i use to honor those debts has more wiggle room than the average money monger can believe in, much less see. i stand by my statement that the money is the least important part of the equation. it counts, but personal integrity is still the greater asset.

how am i finding the strength to start my second parenting career as a senior citizen?
small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let god lead the dance.
i'm extra gentle with myself on the days i am so tired i want to disappear.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry about your situation, that does sound hard. How do you find strength? I used to be able to. I agree virtual meetings and social distancing was not the greatest to add to... already hard situation. Prices are of secondary consequence only if they don't directly impede your ability to eat/pay your bills/rent/cover your health. Because of 2 big traumatic experiences, I got PTSD early on (was 21). I am now 33 and my work history is very spotty because of how long it took me to get help. So I never got to be stable for a very long time, financially, very specifically in the last 4 years. Before that I got by for a while, not enough to save, but okay. These last years? Sometimes, many times, I had to rely on luck, creativity, selling what I can, learning new jobs and help from people that loved me. I thought I was finally going to be able to be more independent and prove that I can be the one to help my parents or people in need in my life. I was born lower middle class, right at the edge of being poor, so, everything was always a crisis as I grew up. Changes of season, growing, holidays. But I studied to get education to do better. And then PTSD. And this summer? I was so great! I was working, I was independent, I was supporting people. Now each week is another struggle. And I'm so tired that I want to disappear.
I'm so sorry you're struggling, @SeekingAfrica. Me, too. Things get better (as in, I don't want to off myself every moment of the day), and then they get worse again. I'm trying so hard to remember that this is how life is. Nothing--including feelings and good times--is permanent. It helps me manage a little. I changed my expectations, and now I'm a lot less disappointed.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
This is a bad day. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, really not the worst I've had, or anyone on here, I'm sure.
But it's the 'I want to disappear' kind of day.

Because I have to budget my tiny weekly money(I mean better than none!) and it feels like both: a. I need to be working not budgeting, but b. I need to buy food so going out is a must, c. there are MANY small non-food things to get taken care of and choosing 1 to cover this week is extremely hard right now, and c.my new neighbours like to listen to music that makes me even more anxious, daily, which is giving me headache and d.the day/week feels too short for getting back on track after my dark wave the last weeks.
And also, ... I'm not great at being gentle with myself.
 
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