PreciousChild
MyPTSD Pro
I think that on the surface, my being helpful seems like a good thing, and that's probably what has kept me going all of these years. If I put other people out like I do myself, my behaviors probably would have stopped long ago. But I've always sensed that it was part of my dysfunction, but it's hard for me to stop. I go out of my way for my ex-husband, my boyfriend (soon to be ex), and my son. I literally spend most of my day when I'm at home thinking about what I need to do to help, serve, etc. them.
When I was 14, I got a job busing tables and handed over my check to my mom to help pay for the bills. There was no question in my mind that I needed to help the household. Even when I started asking to keep my paychecks, when I was around 16, I spent all day fantasizing about what I'd buy my siblings and mom for Xmas and would have these deeply felt wishes about taking my family out to fancy restaurants, a luxury we never had. That might sound sweet and quaint, but it just goes to show how deeply I had been brainwashed into not considering my own needs, even in my fantasies. Actually, I do think about my own needs also, but it always seems to come secondarily.
Starting from when I was just a wee little toddler, my dad targeted me to "break" me. I was a spirited child, but with enough punishments, some of them quite severe, I became his perfect servant. He had an accident when I was about 6, and his anger, aggression, controlling, narcissistic ways became aggravated, and I literally sacrificed my childhood to serve him. I felt that my entire existence depended on making him happy, and he definitely encouraged that. Bizarrely, when I was in college, I even bought him a wedding ring. In thinking about it, I can't believe I did that. At the time, I wanted to convey something like I would serve him for the rest of my life. I remember that he was so thrilled with that. What was I thinking?? Meanwhile I would frequently have fainting spells from all of the emotional turmoil I had from constantly being criticized and threatened by him no matter what I did for him. When I hit my late teens/early twenties, I became severely depersonalized and suicidal. But I took all manner of abuse from him because he made me think that if I walked away from him, I would be allowing a helpless disabled person to die. When I was 11, he attempted suicide and almost did die. I dissociated from that event for 33 years, but last year, I began to make the connection between his attempt and how it impacted me. I realized that I've been carrying around the belief that I was responsible for not keeping my dad happy, and therefore was to blame for his attempt. In other words, I essentially felt that I had committed an attempted murder. That guilt, I think, fuels my constant need to serve and be helpful to those around me.
But I don't even know any other way. Being helpful and of service is such a good thing for most people, and I do believe in it as a value. But my own motivations are driven by the cognitive distortion that not helping others harms them in a catastrophic way. Also, pleasing my dad kept me safe and made me feel valued. It was my only means of controlling my situation. So much is wrapped up in my need to help others. But I know that I'm lost in there somewhere, and I don't even know how to stop or what I would do instead. Has anyone had any experience like this and what did you do?
When I was 14, I got a job busing tables and handed over my check to my mom to help pay for the bills. There was no question in my mind that I needed to help the household. Even when I started asking to keep my paychecks, when I was around 16, I spent all day fantasizing about what I'd buy my siblings and mom for Xmas and would have these deeply felt wishes about taking my family out to fancy restaurants, a luxury we never had. That might sound sweet and quaint, but it just goes to show how deeply I had been brainwashed into not considering my own needs, even in my fantasies. Actually, I do think about my own needs also, but it always seems to come secondarily.
Starting from when I was just a wee little toddler, my dad targeted me to "break" me. I was a spirited child, but with enough punishments, some of them quite severe, I became his perfect servant. He had an accident when I was about 6, and his anger, aggression, controlling, narcissistic ways became aggravated, and I literally sacrificed my childhood to serve him. I felt that my entire existence depended on making him happy, and he definitely encouraged that. Bizarrely, when I was in college, I even bought him a wedding ring. In thinking about it, I can't believe I did that. At the time, I wanted to convey something like I would serve him for the rest of my life. I remember that he was so thrilled with that. What was I thinking?? Meanwhile I would frequently have fainting spells from all of the emotional turmoil I had from constantly being criticized and threatened by him no matter what I did for him. When I hit my late teens/early twenties, I became severely depersonalized and suicidal. But I took all manner of abuse from him because he made me think that if I walked away from him, I would be allowing a helpless disabled person to die. When I was 11, he attempted suicide and almost did die. I dissociated from that event for 33 years, but last year, I began to make the connection between his attempt and how it impacted me. I realized that I've been carrying around the belief that I was responsible for not keeping my dad happy, and therefore was to blame for his attempt. In other words, I essentially felt that I had committed an attempted murder. That guilt, I think, fuels my constant need to serve and be helpful to those around me.
But I don't even know any other way. Being helpful and of service is such a good thing for most people, and I do believe in it as a value. But my own motivations are driven by the cognitive distortion that not helping others harms them in a catastrophic way. Also, pleasing my dad kept me safe and made me feel valued. It was my only means of controlling my situation. So much is wrapped up in my need to help others. But I know that I'm lost in there somewhere, and I don't even know how to stop or what I would do instead. Has anyone had any experience like this and what did you do?