• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I'm dysfunctionally helpful and don't know how to stop

Status
Not open for further replies.

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I think that on the surface, my being helpful seems like a good thing, and that's probably what has kept me going all of these years. If I put other people out like I do myself, my behaviors probably would have stopped long ago. But I've always sensed that it was part of my dysfunction, but it's hard for me to stop. I go out of my way for my ex-husband, my boyfriend (soon to be ex), and my son. I literally spend most of my day when I'm at home thinking about what I need to do to help, serve, etc. them.

When I was 14, I got a job busing tables and handed over my check to my mom to help pay for the bills. There was no question in my mind that I needed to help the household. Even when I started asking to keep my paychecks, when I was around 16, I spent all day fantasizing about what I'd buy my siblings and mom for Xmas and would have these deeply felt wishes about taking my family out to fancy restaurants, a luxury we never had. That might sound sweet and quaint, but it just goes to show how deeply I had been brainwashed into not considering my own needs, even in my fantasies. Actually, I do think about my own needs also, but it always seems to come secondarily.

Starting from when I was just a wee little toddler, my dad targeted me to "break" me. I was a spirited child, but with enough punishments, some of them quite severe, I became his perfect servant. He had an accident when I was about 6, and his anger, aggression, controlling, narcissistic ways became aggravated, and I literally sacrificed my childhood to serve him. I felt that my entire existence depended on making him happy, and he definitely encouraged that. Bizarrely, when I was in college, I even bought him a wedding ring. In thinking about it, I can't believe I did that. At the time, I wanted to convey something like I would serve him for the rest of my life. I remember that he was so thrilled with that. What was I thinking?? Meanwhile I would frequently have fainting spells from all of the emotional turmoil I had from constantly being criticized and threatened by him no matter what I did for him. When I hit my late teens/early twenties, I became severely depersonalized and suicidal. But I took all manner of abuse from him because he made me think that if I walked away from him, I would be allowing a helpless disabled person to die. When I was 11, he attempted suicide and almost did die. I dissociated from that event for 33 years, but last year, I began to make the connection between his attempt and how it impacted me. I realized that I've been carrying around the belief that I was responsible for not keeping my dad happy, and therefore was to blame for his attempt. In other words, I essentially felt that I had committed an attempted murder. That guilt, I think, fuels my constant need to serve and be helpful to those around me.

But I don't even know any other way. Being helpful and of service is such a good thing for most people, and I do believe in it as a value. But my own motivations are driven by the cognitive distortion that not helping others harms them in a catastrophic way. Also, pleasing my dad kept me safe and made me feel valued. It was my only means of controlling my situation. So much is wrapped up in my need to help others. But I know that I'm lost in there somewhere, and I don't even know how to stop or what I would do instead. Has anyone had any experience like this and what did you do?
 
Absolutely.
I had to kind of force myself into a type of isolation. I know that sounds unhealthy (and it probably is), but it was really the only way I could focus just on me. I feel compelled to help people out, always used much of my emotional energy on others.

Most peoples troubles are simply out of your control. The best you can really do is let someone know how they can get help. At a certain point, people can turn really really toxic too. It's hard to know where to draw that line, but it's always okay to make boundaries. I have really tortured myself with trying to cling on to people who obviously did not have any interest in improving anything. That can really really take a toll on you.

That being said, I stilll reach out to help people if I know I can actually make a difference in the situation/ steer them in the right direction to seek better help
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Do you have any friendships not based on a helping dynamic?

I have a friend, I suppose you could say former friend, and I was someone who wanted her friendship, but I did not need her friendship. She would oftentimes complain about how other people would use her and take advantage of her kindness (but I never did). I soon realized that she had a need to take care of people as she kept the “users” around while letting her friendship with me slide (despite my best efforts to keep in touch).

I suggest branching out and forming new relationships based not on needing to help people.
 
I have this too. Saving and helping.

I suppose it's a codependency issue in my case. :rolleyes:

I'm better about it though.
I try to keep a balance now, I don't step on anyone's toes to help myself and sometimes still put other's needs on top of my own. But I'm not feeling like it's dysfunctional anymore.
 
I have really tortured myself with trying to cling on to people who obviously did not have any interest in improving anything. That can really really take a toll on you.

Exactly. I've posted about my gambling addicted ex. I spent over a decade carrying his problems even after my divorce. I got child support for part of that time, but I continued to obsess over his welfare even after he stopped paying. So I can't even point to any benefits of mortifying myself for the last several years besides my distorted mind that seeks out a re-enactment of childhood. It kills me that I'm still so defined by the first dozen years of my life.

But how do you stop the distortion? For me, I've worked really hard to confront my cognitive distortions through reading, reflection, and therapy. But this has remained hidden for a long time. But in the relationship I've had in the last 15 months, I realized that my relationship to helping others, work, and validation is HUGE. There's this thing in me that won't let me stay still, and drives me to be useful in some way. No one is even asking me to do anything. But I also start to resent all the work and start to feel used and exploited. Then I will get angry and resentful. It's kind of like a primal scream from when I was a kid serving everyone else's need and not having my needs met at all. It's an unhealthy cycle. But what do I do instead? Just sit there?

I also realized that part of the problem is that I don't feel that I have any inherent value. So if I'm not doing anything useful, I feel like I am less than nothing and without any value. I work in order to stave off self-annihilation.

Do you have any friendships not based on a helping dynamic?

Interestingly, I don't have the intensity of this dynamic with my friends. It mostly manifests in romantic relationships and my son. I do feel the need to pay the check for my friends who aren't as well off, and I do offer help, which most of them appreciate, but I don't think they trigger the emotional touchpoints that romantic partners do. But friendships have definitely helped me to grow out of some of these dynamics.

I feel bad for your friend who is actually missing out on real friendships because of her need to be used. I so identify with that. I'm grateful though that I've managed to stay open to more equitable friendships that helped me to see what reciprocation looks like.

I suppose it's a codependency issue in my case.

Right, yes, that's the word - co-dependency! But how did you grow out of it? I guess I need to just confront the cognitive distortions like I've had for other mal-adapted thoughts I've carried from childhood.

By the way, my child is special needs, so though I feel the drive to help in anticipating his needs, I feel better about helping him. My main goal with him is to ensure my needs to help doesn't take away his abilities to help himself as far as his limitations allow. But the resentment and anger don't really manifest with him. I'm even a little grateful for my dysfunction at times to be able to serve without reciprocation because many parents do exactly that.
 
and his anger, aggression, controlling, narcissistic ways became aggravated, and I literally sacrificed my childhood to serve him. I felt that my entire existence depended on making him happy, a

PreciousChild, thats extremely hard... I can imagine how tough that must've been..

Actually, I do think about my own needs also, but it always seems to come secondarily.

I have a more twisted mechanism where I dislike helping others too much or being too kind. My husband at times tells me I am selfish. If I help I expect thankfulness...if I dont get it I get angry. Uaually I tell this too..which ends with people being disaapointed with me for being arrogant. This is actually a form of being onve hurt and now wanting others to be the way I want them to be.

I know this is not helping you.. but I put myself first but still here I am without friends.
 
Hey PreciousChild,

I definitely struggle with this too and I agree that it's basically "co-dependence". :rolleyes:

I bought the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie a couple of months ago. (It's available pretty cheap 2nd hand on Amazon etc.)

I want to start working through it and have also been looking at the CoDA.org website (co-dependents anonymous).

I would love a thread/ group/ whatever of people interested in looking at overcoming co-dependency... I would prefer sharing this journey with likeminded folks, rather than plodding along on it on my own... Would you be interested...?

I think co-dependency is a really, really tricky thing to overcome! Because we are in the "helping" role (which seems morally "good") and because we are getting rewards for it (compliments, positive feedback, brownie points) it's soooooooooooooo hard to view this behaviour as "unhealthy" or "toxic"... It seems so "logical" that helping is "good" and I find it incredibly tricky to argue with my brain that SOME kinds of helping are good, but not all and that I'm definitely not approaching it right.

Also, it feels very weird not to be able to trust my instincts one single bit. My instincts are helping = good. And my instincts are not right!
It feels really weird to have to argue with my brain that my instincts are not to be trusted on this issue...

Also, I think this may be a subconscious way of "buying" love? If our brain has a way of "getting" love, a pretty dependable source, that's certainly addictive...

Also, it's made me realise that by being a "helper" / co-dependent, I am always "needed". So unlike many people, I never feel superfluous, un-needed, un-wanted etc.

I also never feel lonely.

There is an endless amount of people who want/ need "help" so there's unlimited people I can connect with.

Also, when helping people with their issues, the connection is quite deep, personal and non-trivial. So another sense in which this pattern of interacting provides meaningful connections and prevents loneliness.

Of course, this stuff is not entirely healthy!! ;)

On some deep level, being surrounded by people that love you (because they need you) is NOT the same as being surrounded by people that love you cos they think you're a great person and an equal and love spending time with you...

So the love that we are "buying" isn't quite true love... and somewhere deep down, I think we know that... :poop::poop::poop:

Anyway, you can tell I think it's a fascinating subject!! :p:D

And it's certainly intricate and tricky - so I'd love to reflect on this stuff with others, cos I know if I work on this co-dependency stuff on my own, my mind will play tricks on me, constantly telling me that helping = good, after all... :rolleyes:

Anyway, thanks for raising the issue and for getting me to think about it some more! :inlove:
 
Hey PreciousChild,

I definitely struggle with this too and I agree that it's basically "co-dependence"....

Hi Sophy, thanks so much for your post. OMG, I vaguely identified as co-dependent, but after reading the web site, I realize how much I fit the profile. I ordered the Codependent No More book. Thanks for that reference. I'm big on reading.

I'd definitely be interested in starting a thread. How far are you into the book? Maybe we could do an online book club and share our responses, successes, and struggles as we read it.

I kind of cringed when I read how codependent people try to control others by trying to tell them how they should feel or think. I think I do that. I'm curious if the book will discuss parenting because sometimes I feel my son needs guidance and help in a way that other grown-ups don't. I'm also really interested in how to "recover" from it. I do feel that for the most part, I try to live authentically and not use manipulation to get what I want. But I so identify with what you say above - how helping people gives you meaning, makes you feel needed and alleviates loneliness. I honestly don't know how else to relate to potential romantic partners. Amazing. A label I've heard so many times, and yet I'm discovering it for the first time. Thanks so much!

PreciousChild, thats extremely hard... I can imagine how tough that must've been..



I have a more tw...
Thanks Purusha. It's actually really refreshing to hear your thoughts because it shows me that there are different ways of responding to what may be the same cause. I identify with what you said about needing to be thanked if you help someone. I think I suppress that need a lot, so that I don't look like I'm making too many demands, but it builds up, and it definitely comes out one way or the other. I really want to deal with this because I could tell during my relationship that it was the biggest pattern in my behaviors and I had trouble managing it.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Awww :inlove:

Yeah, I struggle mentally with the concept that co-dependency = trying to control others... It doesn't *feel* like that, but I suspect that if you analyse the patterns of behaviour and interaction, then probably it does boil down to that sometimes/ often...?

It's actually one of the questions I would like to discover some insights to, and I think it will only happen over time, by going down the co-dependency road and finding out, bit by bit, the realisations and insights that will be part of the process...

I'm still reading the "Introduction" to the book, so don't worry, you don't have a big "lag" or "catch up" to do for us to "be on the same page" :D

The author's journey to writing the book is so fascinating, that I haven't gotten past that yet... I just got the book out of my bookshelf earlier, and have been re-reading the introduction.

I don't see a section aimed specifically at "parenting" in the table of contents of the book, but I agree that if you have a special needs child, then working out "where is the HEALTHY boundary of helping" will be all the more tricky!

However, given that co-dependents have a habit of generally "picking" the difficult people (addicts, alcoholics, etc) who also have "actual" medical issues, I'm sure there will be a lot of discussion about how to find healthy boundaries re helping, when the other person "DOES IN FACT NEED HELP"... I think that's the the tricky issue that's at the crux of co-dependency... It's so easy for us to argue/ prove that we are "right" cos the person DOES need help... :facepalm:

I think creating a thread dedicated to this issue would be really cool and using this book as a reference is a cool idea too... I'm wondering whether keeping it a bit "general" and making the book just be a "part" of it would be more inclusive, so we could get input from people dealing with co-dependency, who don't have the time/ inclination to read the book right now? If we started it just as a book club, it might just end up being us two reading it :roflmao::inlove: What do you think?

I might use the search function of the forum to see if there's been any previous co-dependency threads... Maybe that'll give us some cool inspiration about how to put it into practice? :)

And yaaaayyyyyyyyyy :inlove::inlove::inlove: that you are interested in pursuing the topic and yaaaaaaayyyyy that you ordered the book! :):):) I've been hoping for a while that a co-dependency "buddy" would turn up eventually, as I've only been semi-motivated to "go it alone" and there's no co-dependency groups where I live and I didn't find any particularly inspiring co-dependency forums online when I searched a while back...

Maybe once we've set a thread up, we can let people in the "Supporter" part of the forum know - I bet there's quite a few of us co-dependency folks in that section of the forum....?? :hug: :whistling::rolleyes:
 
Yeah, a more general forum to discuss codependency issues sounds good. I bet there are a lot of us on here. A lot of the characteristics of codependent people on the coda.org website can easily map over Heller's styles of coping with ptsd in Healing Developmental Trauma, in my opinion.

I'll let you take the lead in terms of creating a thread. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I think this is just what I need right now. When I first got the ptsd diagnosis, I spent a lot of time in just uncovering the suppressed dynamics, and managing the at times overwhelming feelings. In getting into a long-term relationship, I feel like it brought me to new and different kinds of awareness, though they're all related. I felt I had made such progress, but there are so many layers still there. Kind of daunting, but it's all a part of who I am and I'm going to keep exploring.
 
To me you said "I live in the trauma shell. It's a negative behaviour with negative consequences and it should be positive. All I can say is they keep telling me there's a way out and I keep trying! Seems impossible because the trauma gets in everything. Hope u feel better. I'm having a good day but I'm still in bed because of a little something with my partner this morning, oh well. : )
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top