goingonhope
MyPTSD Pro
Lately, I'm really beginning to dig this daily challenge of accepting, living and coping with my PTSD.
Why? Well, I've always Loved challenges.
When having suffered powerlessly, helplessly and feeling terribly hopeless, I can't say I much appreciated this business of living. Beyond all my many efforts, and even with having achieved much growth, I was still coming up lost, alone, bewildered and disillusioned.
Now, understanding what I have and why, and what to do with it and about it, lately feels like living in paradise. Believe me, I know this too shall pass, but nonetheless it in no way negates the hope I'm feeling.
With each struggle of effort and success at being allowed to reclaim my story, and permission to be who and what I am, I feel free'd. I feel hopeful.
With each ounce of my progress in self-esteem and confidence, I feel hopeful.
What hope there is for me in progressively facing and healing my trauma, as opposed to doubting myself, abandoning myself and mentally and emot. beating myself up, and progressively sicken'ning with untreated PTSD.
I use to daily beat myself to a pulp in many ways. And, then I'd grow angrier with people and society in general, always somehow blaming others for ripping me off.
What was indeed ripping me off and apart, was trying to go it alone. It too was, my lack of real knowledge of my condition.
The knowledge of what PTSD really is, and what I can do individually to come to terms with it and live and despite it, is to me one of the most precious gifts, I could ever wish to receive. For that I am increasingly grateful.
My PTSD symptoms are not new to me, I've survived them before and then with little to no hope. They were like living in hell on earth. I hated myself, and thought of myself as a leper. Then when I found 2.5 yrs. of therapy for PTSD (1993-96), I left each therapuetic session lost, dazed and confused and snapping out of this a few hrs. later and into tremendous emot. pain, which would last until my next hopeful session.
Somewhere in all of that I grew some and learned to adjust somewhat better within my own skin and society.
I began to get along so well with people and started liking and appreciating myself, that I began thouroughly enjoying my life, and was offered a leadership position out of state, and accepted, but then suddenly bammo', Evenings........I was hit again and again with flashbacks, insomnia, rageful anger, depression and feelings of utter helpless and hopelessness, and I was down.
Then, ............I just couldn't figure out what the missing pieces were. I had thought I had done my therapy, and so much more, healed much trauma, and was now ready to move past PTSD and alcoholism. What little I knew and understood.
Now an understanding of much lies within me, and it all, at the click of a mouse. And, the support which I've both received and given makes this all meaningful and un'freakin'believeable. I have hope, once again, and this means so very, very much to me!
Things Happening and I'm Looking Forward To Doing/Experiencing More of:
• All My Hard Work ahead of me.
• The Seeds of Compassion, for myself included, I'm occasionally allowed to feel just as I pass through my progress; For me my progress tends to look like insurmountable emot. and psych pain with PTSD symptoms galore.
• Getting Right Again in Relationship with God.
• My Entire Family Benefitting from my commitment to healing and progress.
• Continuing, "One Day, At A Time," as Honest, Sincere, and Open as I can be.
• Continuing Therapy with my Therapist weekly.
• Responsible Actions
Things That I'm Increasingly Again, doing more and more of and feeling good about:
• Learning from my mistakes in relationship with my husband.
• Joining my husb. and kids on day trips and bringing much of me to the event.
• I'm less and less afraid of my husband.
• I'm more and more interested in my health.
• I'm more and more thrilled with being a Mom.
...................and, whatever else it is I'm learning and applying is resulting in me getting to know and like myself more, accept reality as it is, and not as I'd like it to be, and simply I feel I'm allowed and able to live with far more self-esteem, self-confidence and the abilities to dream and hope again.
Hope
Why? Well, I've always Loved challenges.
When having suffered powerlessly, helplessly and feeling terribly hopeless, I can't say I much appreciated this business of living. Beyond all my many efforts, and even with having achieved much growth, I was still coming up lost, alone, bewildered and disillusioned.
Now, understanding what I have and why, and what to do with it and about it, lately feels like living in paradise. Believe me, I know this too shall pass, but nonetheless it in no way negates the hope I'm feeling.
With each struggle of effort and success at being allowed to reclaim my story, and permission to be who and what I am, I feel free'd. I feel hopeful.
With each ounce of my progress in self-esteem and confidence, I feel hopeful.
What hope there is for me in progressively facing and healing my trauma, as opposed to doubting myself, abandoning myself and mentally and emot. beating myself up, and progressively sicken'ning with untreated PTSD.
I use to daily beat myself to a pulp in many ways. And, then I'd grow angrier with people and society in general, always somehow blaming others for ripping me off.
What was indeed ripping me off and apart, was trying to go it alone. It too was, my lack of real knowledge of my condition.
The knowledge of what PTSD really is, and what I can do individually to come to terms with it and live and despite it, is to me one of the most precious gifts, I could ever wish to receive. For that I am increasingly grateful.
My PTSD symptoms are not new to me, I've survived them before and then with little to no hope. They were like living in hell on earth. I hated myself, and thought of myself as a leper. Then when I found 2.5 yrs. of therapy for PTSD (1993-96), I left each therapuetic session lost, dazed and confused and snapping out of this a few hrs. later and into tremendous emot. pain, which would last until my next hopeful session.
Somewhere in all of that I grew some and learned to adjust somewhat better within my own skin and society.
I began to get along so well with people and started liking and appreciating myself, that I began thouroughly enjoying my life, and was offered a leadership position out of state, and accepted, but then suddenly bammo', Evenings........I was hit again and again with flashbacks, insomnia, rageful anger, depression and feelings of utter helpless and hopelessness, and I was down.
Then, ............I just couldn't figure out what the missing pieces were. I had thought I had done my therapy, and so much more, healed much trauma, and was now ready to move past PTSD and alcoholism. What little I knew and understood.
Now an understanding of much lies within me, and it all, at the click of a mouse. And, the support which I've both received and given makes this all meaningful and un'freakin'believeable. I have hope, once again, and this means so very, very much to me!
Things Happening and I'm Looking Forward To Doing/Experiencing More of:
• All My Hard Work ahead of me.
• The Seeds of Compassion, for myself included, I'm occasionally allowed to feel just as I pass through my progress; For me my progress tends to look like insurmountable emot. and psych pain with PTSD symptoms galore.
• Getting Right Again in Relationship with God.
• My Entire Family Benefitting from my commitment to healing and progress.
• Continuing, "One Day, At A Time," as Honest, Sincere, and Open as I can be.
• Continuing Therapy with my Therapist weekly.
• Responsible Actions
Things That I'm Increasingly Again, doing more and more of and feeling good about:
• Learning from my mistakes in relationship with my husband.
• Joining my husb. and kids on day trips and bringing much of me to the event.
• I'm less and less afraid of my husband.
• I'm more and more interested in my health.
• I'm more and more thrilled with being a Mom.
...................and, whatever else it is I'm learning and applying is resulting in me getting to know and like myself more, accept reality as it is, and not as I'd like it to be, and simply I feel I'm allowed and able to live with far more self-esteem, self-confidence and the abilities to dream and hope again.
Hope