It seems to me that, in a perfect world, we could trust our feelings. If something makes us feel happy, special, loved, at peace, contented... it's a good thing. If something hurts, that means that something's wrong and needs to be changed. Right?
And yet I somehow grew up with the belief that my feelings can't be trusted. It seems like every time I started to enjoy something in my childhood, my enjoyment was squashed like a cockroach. It got to where I felt guilty for being happy.
And it didn't help to hear all of these things preached at church from time to time: "If you ever feel a prompting to do something, do it; it could be God prompting you," followed later by the exact opposite: "There is no part of your self that is untouched by your sinful nature; your intellect, your emotions, and your will can all be corrupted, so just because you think or feel that something is right doesn't mean it's right"... coupled with, "In this world there will be suffering," and "I did not come to bring peace but division," and "Christ suffered, so don't expect life to be easy," and "If you're not suffering, then you're not in God's will," and "If you obey an authority that's kind to you, what good is that? Obey even those that are harsh, and you will be rewarded,"... contrast all those with, "Pain is a good thing; those with leprosy wish that they could feel pain, so that they would know when they're hurting themselves and stop it,"... So is pain something to be endured, or is pain a sign to do something different? I can't tell!
How about these: "If your brother has something against you, leave your gift at the alter, go and be reconciled to your brother, then come back and make your offering," contrasted with, "If you do not hate your father and mother and brother, then you can not be my disciple"? And then back to, "As far as is possible, live at peace with everyone."
I've spent an AWFUL lot of time trying to get along with certain people and failing. I keep going back and forth between wanting to make peace with them and wanting to get them the hell out of my life. I'm doing it again today; just when I've decided to cut them all off forever, I'm feeling another urge to try to contact a couple of them -- one who has never hurt me, but is close to one who has, and one who used to hurt me but has long since stopped, who I am convinced has grown up since then. ARGH! What am I supposed to do? I DON'T want to risk getting burned again.
And yet I somehow grew up with the belief that my feelings can't be trusted. It seems like every time I started to enjoy something in my childhood, my enjoyment was squashed like a cockroach. It got to where I felt guilty for being happy.
And it didn't help to hear all of these things preached at church from time to time: "If you ever feel a prompting to do something, do it; it could be God prompting you," followed later by the exact opposite: "There is no part of your self that is untouched by your sinful nature; your intellect, your emotions, and your will can all be corrupted, so just because you think or feel that something is right doesn't mean it's right"... coupled with, "In this world there will be suffering," and "I did not come to bring peace but division," and "Christ suffered, so don't expect life to be easy," and "If you're not suffering, then you're not in God's will," and "If you obey an authority that's kind to you, what good is that? Obey even those that are harsh, and you will be rewarded,"... contrast all those with, "Pain is a good thing; those with leprosy wish that they could feel pain, so that they would know when they're hurting themselves and stop it,"... So is pain something to be endured, or is pain a sign to do something different? I can't tell!
How about these: "If your brother has something against you, leave your gift at the alter, go and be reconciled to your brother, then come back and make your offering," contrasted with, "If you do not hate your father and mother and brother, then you can not be my disciple"? And then back to, "As far as is possible, live at peace with everyone."
I've spent an AWFUL lot of time trying to get along with certain people and failing. I keep going back and forth between wanting to make peace with them and wanting to get them the hell out of my life. I'm doing it again today; just when I've decided to cut them all off forever, I'm feeling another urge to try to contact a couple of them -- one who has never hurt me, but is close to one who has, and one who used to hurt me but has long since stopped, who I am convinced has grown up since then. ARGH! What am I supposed to do? I DON'T want to risk getting burned again.