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I'm just done

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Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
Finally at that place of just saying "F*ck it" and giving up. I've been toying with the idea for over 20 years, that I'd be better off dead, but these last 6 months have cemented the fact that I'm right. My issues are too pervasive to work a meaningful job, but I can't get help from doctors (bad reactions to meds, or they just don't know what to do with me), I can't get help from the government, and I can't get help from my few friends or relatives. I didn't realize how autistic I really am, but couple that with PTSD, and I really can't function as a human being at ALL. My dogs were the only thing that kept me connected to anything outside myself, and now they're both gone. One I had to put down, one I had to give back to the rescue because he was sick and I couldn't afford to take care of him.

My mom actually broke down crying the other day. She knows deep down how hopeless our current situation is, but they still cling to their tired and cultish beliefs, thinking God will send them checks in the mail for no other reason than He loves them. I'm working a full-time job that I really struggle at, even though its something any high-schooler could do. I graduated from college with highest honors and spent 20k on a degree I can't use, and I'm shoveling horse crap to keep gas in my truck and see my T. The worst part is, all my experience, all my training, all my philosophical bent means nothing if I can't interact with people, and I CAN'T INTERACT WITH PEOPLE!!

Maybe this is just a reaction to bad meds, but I've been feeling this way even without bad meds. If I can find ways to distract myself from how useless and expendable a human being I am, I can find some kind of peace with my place in life; unfortunately, distractions are proving triggering lately, and I'm done trying to drag my meaningless existence out any longer.

Of course I say this but I know that I will continue to find a way to live one day at a time, trying to find a way out of my circumstances or trying to be a better human being (all while being financially strangled of course). I know, everyone here deals with this at some point, and we all find ways to move forward.

Maybe I just needed to vent for a bit. I have an appointment with my T on Monday, but with everything that's gone on, I don't even know what to focus on anymore. All I know is, every day I have to stay here is another day I have to struggle to stay alive. And I WILL continue the struggle as long as I possibly can. I'm just tired of fighting so hard for so little movement.
 
I understand everything you shared. I don't even need things to get better per se, maybe just be different.

I know I have to change my attitude. But this being a work in progress just gets old.

But for whatever reasons we will keep moving. Sorry you are feeling this way too. Hopefully something will shift and we will get some relief. But we do get to be tired on this journey. And venting helps. We don't have to carry the weight of it all ,all the time. We will just hang in here and see what happens next!
 
Been there, been there, & been there again. Darn discouraging. But want to see if all those *miracles* people talk about will happen to me. See how my story ends. Guess that's called hope.
Take care of yourself.
 
Was dissociated out of my gourd in T's office today. We barely got anything talked about. I did let him know I was super-suicidal lately, but attributing that to medication issues. Tonight though, I can't sleep. Just keep thinking about my dogs and how much I miss them because they made my life less lonely, then I just start crying uncontrollably. Wish I could get another dog, but with our financial situation the way it is, I won't be able to get another dog for a very long time. Sometimes I really do hate my life...my parents keep believing for a "miracle", but they won't do anything to make something better. At least I'm trying, even though I'm getting nowhere.
 
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