runswithwolves
Learning
Its rough because I today is a crying day, just crying I don't even know why, I guess theres alot to cry about. My eyes are swelling which leads to more isolation because I don't want to be seen. I just feel afraid of everything at the moment especially people. I know this is a start to severe isolation which I try to avoid so I don't get worse. I had been working on developing better social support but now with this I feel I don;t want it. Why can I just stay home and hike and cook yummy food and never have to deal with people. Its too dangerous I never know a person intentions and I was warned that the people who hurt me keep tabs on you, they will pretend everythings okay and then set you up. I miss people I do. I miss the person I use to be the most. Loving to travel, loving everyone, smiling all the time, meeting random people and getting to know them, but now its terrifying. Its always in the back of my head, am I going to set up to be jumped, raped or worse. I have already been assaulted many times these past years. I won every fight, I defended myself, but how do I know. Could I just be a healthy ptsd survivor that isolates but just cooks and hikes and does other healthy things. IDK maybe I will feel better tomorrow, I still haven't stopped crying. Its important to feel strong and understand this is the illness the process and if I don't stay strong I will lose control.