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Im just having a hard time today

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Its rough because I today is a crying day, just crying I don't even know why, I guess theres alot to cry about. My eyes are swelling which leads to more isolation because I don't want to be seen. I just feel afraid of everything at the moment especially people. I know this is a start to severe isolation which I try to avoid so I don't get worse. I had been working on developing better social support but now with this I feel I don;t want it. Why can I just stay home and hike and cook yummy food and never have to deal with people. Its too dangerous I never know a person intentions and I was warned that the people who hurt me keep tabs on you, they will pretend everythings okay and then set you up. I miss people I do. I miss the person I use to be the most. Loving to travel, loving everyone, smiling all the time, meeting random people and getting to know them, but now its terrifying. Its always in the back of my head, am I going to set up to be jumped, raped or worse. I have already been assaulted many times these past years. I won every fight, I defended myself, but how do I know. Could I just be a healthy ptsd survivor that isolates but just cooks and hikes and does other healthy things. IDK maybe I will feel better tomorrow, I still haven't stopped crying. Its important to feel strong and understand this is the illness the process and if I don't stay strong I will lose control.
 
I'm sorry today's one of the hard days, hope tomorrow treats you kinder.

You were that person, so you still are and will be again ;) You will be able to trust, to smile, be happy, talk to everyone or if not everyone, talk freely, enjoy life.

That you don't trust now is just common sense, and good reason, to do, given the assholes that won't leave you alone.

So very glad for all the times you defended yourself.
Right now, tears? That's not you giving into weakness... that is you letting out exhaustion of how unfair and tiring it all is. :sneaky:

That's you collecting up strength.
For another fight won.
And for the time no fighting will be needed.

Even if you lose control?
You will still be *you*.
Good. Strong. Kind. Smart. Brave. Resourceful. Honest. Law abiding. Helpful. Creative. & much more, person.

Losing control won't turn you into people like them.
It could make you worse off you...
But it won't make you *them*.

What do you like to cook? ;)
I think it's awesome to provide necessities like that, and yet find joy in cooking.
 
too many places


my PTSD comes from violence and abuse. I've been attacked twice by gangs with metal bars. Left in the middle of the road needing staples in the back of my head. I nearly died. My dad was a violent and abusive alcoholic. I've had my fill of it.
 
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my experiences are very similar. I luck that each time I was able to defend myself from the stupid gang shit. in the past 6 years I been to the hospital too many times, been ran over on purpose, stabbed 3 times, sexually assaulted, revenge porn which led to more sexual assaults and threats of gang rape. I've had them get clever enough to know they can target my mental health and they do. People stalk me at work when I did work, tagged Ho and shouted places I went of course degrading me for my rape accusing me of being a liar. Throwing things at my car, trying to ram me off the road. My harassment comes from many different sources, But I have documenting it to hopefully come up with a better understanding and system to help surviviors who may be being targeted by their victimizers
 
too many places
The last 3 places I lived before this all had me go through sexaul assault or harassment. When my abusive ex went to jail I stayed at my moms and a family members baby daddy sexually assaulted me. I told my mom and she wasn't understanding, just asking why I was there up so late, because technically I wasn't suppose to stay there but they had been leaving the back door unlocked, maybe it was him leaving it unlocked idk, but I had no where to go and no one was saying anything when I worked nights and came by around 3 am to sleep for 2 or 3 hours to go back to work, because my ex went to jail I lost everything and needed to work nonstop to get a place. Guys were trying to break in my car at night so I couldnt sleep there so I chose my moms house because I thought id be safe. It caused me to have panic attacks the next day, I was reliving my rape, it glitched, it glitched I didn't know what was going on and my mom called the police. the police found me at a park, they gave me the opportunity to press charges but I didn't. My mom didn't understand. The guy was a shy guy who lived they and been nothing but polite and good to his daughter. So I was the bad guy, the whore, the seducer. And I allowed that title because I love my little cousin she lost her dad young I didn't want her to lose her family again. Even if I did say anything no one would believe me. To make matters worse I move in with a friend after and she started dating a guy and getting territorial. She studied pyschology but when we were younger she was in a gang and had that accent. She started doing stupid stuff so I moved because I could already see what was going on. Her man who was from the same gang started texted me months later. Asking me if she cheats and then sending me pics, I tried calling her but she wouldn't answer, even when I told her it was important. So we kept talking and it got friendly because he told me how he notice how she treated me. I told him she did cheat often because she did, she drank a lot was bisexual had this weird power trip off getting guys and girls to go down on her. and even tried to get me to have a 3some which was one of the many reasons I moved out. I thought since she studied pysch she would understand I was in recovery and did not want to be sought after sexually. During this time she had to get a lump removed from her breast so I was trying to be sensitive but she found out I was talking to her little gangster so she started harassing and threatening me. So I am like great more stuff I didn't ask for. She called me a slut and said I was after her man since the beginning and it was my history, Thats when I lost it. I called her man I asked him if I ever flirted with him, He agreed I never did. Everytime I talked to him was to give praise to her like a wing man. He made one comment about me and my ex being his relationship goal when he saw me making him breakfast and him spanking me and she heard and gave me the death look, started locking me out and more. so I moved, He sought me out. Anyway I moved, I have a male roomate now but never had problem with me coming on to him or vice versa. I am not a ho or a whore or a home wrecker I litterally have just been trying to get the resources to recover from ptsd. Which as a single woman with no kids no qualifying benefits, its difficult, I have to pay out of pocker for everything which is hard when I can barely work
 
I too have been targeted by people. If the initial trauma wasn't enough they repeatedly pursued me and tried to f*ck up my life.

it was really scary.

Thats what I am documenting, survivors can be targeted and people are getting smart, they can target your ptsd, target your work. you can't build a case or get people to understand well if your getting triggered and going crazy all the time. And if your purposely being exposed to triggers and violent events then its going effect your brain and could lead to more severe mental illnesses. But we can fight and get bette. Just because we act in coherint at one moment doesn't mean we cant recover and regain a voice and clearly explain whats going on
 
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