Undiagnosed I'm new, looking for support

hey you

New Here
Hello everyone,
I'm anxious and it feels really hard to start because I have flashback every time I have to speak about myself.
Feels like I'm doing something awfully improper.
I desperately need to tell my story. And the English is not my first language.

I had my first psychotic episode 8 years ago. It was nightmare + umbareble amount of guilt and shame. But I don't want to speak about the psychosis itself, I can say that it's already something that I have in the past. Already 2 years I'm OK.
The whole situation though helped me to 'open my eyes ' I was seriously emotionally abused on many levels and I had no idea that such thing even existed at that time. I was really naive and without any social skills.
Actually the psychosis or schizophrenia ( how I was diagnosed) went away when I realised the abuse was real, though never direct but subtle and destroying.
And here I need some source of help and support because the abuse is still present. Luckily I'm not living in the same country anymore but I'm obligated to make video calls.....
It's my mother and sister... that's feels so wrong and crazy to write....
I'm also not pretty sure that this is the right place to write about that...
I'm fighting awful inner critic at that point telling me that everyone will thing I'm lying, or what I'm writing is totally boring and nobody will pay any attention..
I hope I'll write further
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello hey you. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i am a child sex trafficking survivor and probably had my first psychotic break when i was too young to remember. recovering from that childhood has been a long, tedious process which continues here in my senior years, many decades later. letting go of my worries about what other people might think --if they are thinking at all-- was and remains critical to my recovery. those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

ditto for writing quality and lies. i want to recover. winning writer awards is not the goal of my recovery. for the lies, the years of abuse wreaked havoc on my memory functions and i often remember things inaccurately. many call me a liar for that sad fact, but i gotta sort through the misconceptions to untangle the psycho snot knots. repeat mantra that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

but that is me and every case is unique. gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

for what it's worth
foreign languages have been quite helpful in my own recovery. translating my psycho snot knots to a foreign language helps me process more deeply and serves as the ultimate "reframing."
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
It's my mother and sister... that's feels so wrong and crazy to write....
I'm also not pretty sure that this is the right place to write about that...
I'm fighting awful inner critic at that point telling me that everyone will thing I'm lying, or what I'm writing is totally boring and nobody will pay any attention..
I hope I'll write further
It's really hard speaking about emotional abuse from your family. Particularly if they act like nothing is wrong, it's all you etc.
You're going against a powerful implicit and explicit message that you have grown up with.
For a long time I couldn't even talk about my mum in therapy as just the image of her would silence me.
Trying to find your voice is a process that will get easier the more you practice.

In the meantime, are there boundaires or things you can do with the interaction with your mum and sister? You say you are obligated with these video calls. But are you? Or can you change them?
Reduce them in frequency orband duration? Not do them?
 

AngelKeeperJ

Sponsor
Welcome to the site! I am short on words these days but wanted to let you know that you have found a safe place to learn and grow!

Blessings of peace and healing sent your way!
AKJ
 

Friday

Moderator
In psych? Nearly ALL roads lead to psychosis. Regardless of disorder, or circumstance.

Notable exceptions include things like ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia. But virtually ALL disorders, under enough pressure, will kick into psychosis. As will extreme circumstance (malnutrition, sleep dep, grief, hormone imbalance, etc.). So one can be dyslexic & kick into psychosis, not because of the dyslexia but because of the circumstance.

Once you’re able to back down from the psychotic episode with a pro, and find out what your baseline is? You’ll find a lot more traction in getting an accurate Dx.

But as it really is an ‘all roads lead to Rome’ kind of thing? It can be a very difficult thing to parse. Especially in the early days. Strength & patience to you, as you attempt to figure things out.
 

hey you

New Here
hello hey you. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i am a child sex trafficking survivor and probably had my first psychotic break when i was too young to remember. recovering from that childhood has been a long, tedious process which continues here in my senior years, many decades later. letting go of my worries about what other people might think --if they are thinking at all-- was and remains critical to my recovery. those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

ditto for writing quality and lies. i want to recover. winning writer awards is not the goal of my recovery. for the lies, the years of abuse wreaked havoc on my memory functions and i often remember things inaccurately. many call me a liar for that sad fact, but i gotta sort through the misconceptions to untangle the psycho snot knots. repeat mantra that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

but that is me and every case is unique. gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

for what it's worth
foreign languages have been quite helpful in my own recovery. translating my psycho snot knots to a foreign language helps me process more deeply and serves as the ultimate "reframing."
Hi arfie, thank you so much for your reply! I'm sorry for what happened to you!

You're absolutely right, my psycho education was entirely in English, I find it really difficult to speak about that in my native language.
The foreign language gives you somehow a bit of a new personality, that was a lot of a help for me because I was somehow able to feel different.
For me the way between knowing something with my logic and feeling it with my heart is a long journey. I was really convinced that the people don't like me in general...
I'm still by habit super anxious when I have to speak/ write, I wanted to answer yesterday but I was hit again hard by what maybe I thing was the inner critic to the point that I was able only to lay down and think, my head was spinning, I had very short breath and my chin started to shake, now I have no idea what exactly was the narrative.

I'm super happy that I'm welcomed here.
 

hey you

New Here
It's really hard speaking about emotional abuse from your family. Particularly if they act like nothing is wrong, it's all you etc.
You're going against a powerful implicit and explicit message that you have grown up with.
For a long time I couldn't even talk about my mum in therapy as just the image of her would silence me.
Trying to find your voice is a process that will get easier the more you practice.

In the meantime, are there boundaires or things you can do with the interaction with your mum and sister? You say you are obligated with these video calls. But are you? Or can you change them?
Reduce them in frequency orband duration? Not do them?
Movingforward10 Thank you a lot for your reply!

Long time I was fighting internally to realise that I'm not the crazy one.
The situation is though super crazy, my mother like to mock me, to make me feel irritated, ashamed or angry with subtle "messages " and I have to hide my feelings and act and talk properly or she gets in rage. She gets really angry if I speak a bit to slow, like just to think a bit before to answer.. she gets irritated if I'm serious or calm.
How I can remember she never wanted to listen to me, I had to speak it out fast and direct, just the information and no feelings. All my feelings was wrong.
Now she wants to me to call her and to play this game further while she speaks mainly about the weather and some super stupid topics that are just like smalltalk with a total stranger. Unfortunately she had a stroke some years ago ( in the day that i had to sign my contract for an apartment amd move on) and I was pressured to act even more. There is a hell of a lot more.
My sister on the other hand ( I think this is the hardest part nowadays for me) she's almost 5 years younger than me, she was always protected from my mother and she protects my mother and they two are always right. When my sister get 17- 18 she started to get interested in my friends and started to follow me and even copying me, which is normal for a little sister, but she also started to talk shit about me to everyone, first more aggressive than super subtle.
She was somehow managing to make a lot of people avoiding me, mocking me ect. She was often making something awful want me to come with her to meet some of her friends and then they ignoring me or make me feel like stupid even if a say something normal, she is not introducing me I stay aside like a idiot and than she is saying that I'm not an open person and I'm acting strange ect... she also like to pint out how stupid am I and they both with my mother enjoy a lot when I have struggle to speak, when I stuck on a word or get slightly confused, than their faces are full of joy.
And like my mother she likes to irritate me emotionally and if I say something it's a evidence that I'm that bad person. I was convinced that my reactions of what is happening are wrong because I'm bad, crazy person with bad intentions. They both actually was putting bad intentions to me.
I'm really scared of my sister, because somehow now I'm so alone, I lost a lot of friends, and I'm confused.
There also was a time that she and my mother and some of her close friends/ boyfriends was talking to me with something like a fake super high mood behaviour like I am a disabled or a little kid, I stopped that when I was starting to understand what is happening.
The problem was that I can't stand fake behavior and I cannot act fake, better to show weakness instead of trying to play a role.
I hope that's is not to long and confusing. Now I'm not sure I should post it like a reply,
I'm sorry if it is in someway improper.

I wish you all the best
 

hey you

New Here
Welcome to the site! I am short on words these days but wanted to let you know that you have found a safe place to learn and grow!

Blessings of peace and healing sent your way!
AKJ
AngleKeeperJ Thank you a lot ❤️

In psych? Nearly ALL roads lead to psychosis. Regardless of disorder, or circumstance.

Notable exceptions include things like ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia. But virtually ALL disorders, under enough pressure, will kick into psychosis. As will extreme circumstance (malnutrition, sleep dep, grief, hormone imbalance, etc.). So one can be dyslexic & kick into psychosis, not because of the dyslexia but because of the circumstance.

Once you’re able to back down from the psychotic episode with a pro, and find out what your baseline is? You’ll find a lot more traction in getting an accurate Dx.

But as it really is an ‘all roads lead to Rome’ kind of thing? It can be a very difficult thing to parse. Especially in the early days. Strength & patience to you, as you attempt to figure things out.
Thank you!!!
Unfortunately I was not able to find help for my psychosis by other persons I had to figured out by my self alone and against everyones logic.
I had an awful experience in the hospitals, the doctors treated me like I'm guilty, and of course take the pills. I have found help in alternative medicine. I have a lot to say about that. At the moment I'm fighting a lot just to write here. I'm super happy I found you all!

Wishing you all the best ❤️
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
The foreign language gives you somehow a bit of a new personality, that was a lot of a help for me because I was somehow able to feel different.

according to the "brain plasticity" theories developed at the stockholm brain institute, we are forging new neural pathways when we translate our problems into a new language. my trauma happened entirely in english and i have been spinning my wheels in the muck and mire of that trauma since childhood. speaking of it in a different language forges a new, physical neural pathway complete with the adult understandings i have gained since childhood.

just a theory, but it has made a world of diff inside my own head.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
The situation is though super crazy, my mother like to mock me, to make me feel irritated, ashamed or angry with subtle "messages " and I have to hide my feelings and act and talk properly or she gets in rage. She gets really angry if I speak a bit to slow, like just to think a bit before to answer.. she gets irritated if I'm serious or calm.
How I can remember she never wanted to listen to me, I had to speak it out fast and direct, just the information and no feelings. All my feelings was wrong.
Now she wants to me to call her and to play this game further while she speaks mainly about the weather and some super stupid topics that are just like smalltalk with a total stranger. Unfortunately she had a stroke some years ago ( in the day that i had to sign my contract for an apartment amd move on) and I was pressured to act even more. There is a hell of a lot more.
I understand and experience similar. Both parents re write reality and deny everything I say. The fact I got diagnosed the the genetic condition my mum has and failed to tell us what it was: they told me that the doctor was wrong and believe I don't have it. That's just one example of how they gaslight.
And the conversations your mum has with you sound similar to mine.

You aren't obliged to engage with her if you don't want to. I pushed back from the weekly calls my mum expected. 3 years on from that and she still tries at times to get me to phone as and how she wants. But I refuse. I now speak maybe every 6 or so and see them a couple of times a year. Even that feels too much.

Whilst it might not feel like it, you can decide how and if you want to contact them.

And your reply is absolutely fine! This is your thread, so within the rules of the forum, it's your place to seek support and express yourself the way you want to.
 
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