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I'm Not Allowed! Double Standards of Self Medicating

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Jen, Oct 13, 2006.

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  1. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    Why is it that he pops pills all day and when I decide to have that one extra drink ( bacardi) after a good week at work and I want to unwind and relax I get the lecture.
    He says are you going to have another drink I had three in total why should I feel guilty?
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    You shouldn't Jen, as the simple answer. I agree with you totally, in that what you have explained, you are not outside off moderate usage, you are not outside of being able to enjoy yourself after a good week, and I really do see it as more a double standard. If your husband is popping extra pills, self increasing dosages, etc etc, all in order to self medicate, then why aren't you allowed to have an extra drink!!! Totally agree.

    To be honest, regardless of his situation, why aren't you allowed to have an extra drink regardless? Because one partner doesn't drink alcohol, why does it always seem the non-alcohol person must demand the other to not use alcohol? I could understand if one was an existing alcoholic, however if that doesn't exist, then why can't the other partner have a drink providing it is always kept in moderation, ie. one - two drinks a day, never more than four on any one day, is very moderate drinking IMHO.

    Even this, you could then debate that if a person has six drinks a day, if that is what they like, opposed to what they need, then that is still acceptable if they are not driving drunk and so forth. It comes down to use, abuse and dependence. If you do not NEED the alcohol, then really it is even acceptable to abuse it once a week, ie. get pissed. If one is not abusing alcohol more than once a week / fortnight, it is acceptable providing it does not impact the relationship, ie. verbal or physical abuse by the person drinking, or the partner has no past bad experiences with drunk parents and beatings or alcoholism.

    IMHO, from what you explained, I don't see a thing wrong with having that one extra drink after having a great week.
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Ummm. His medications or not, non issue in this from my looking in. You are a grown woman and have every right to kick back on a friday night and have a few if you feel like it. Just strikes me as just being frustrated about something else and decided to use that to bitch about. None of us with this condition do that now do we??? (sarcasim) So did you go make a 4th and put your feet up after a long week and turn a movie up and enjoy it?
  5. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

    Hey Jen,

    I can relate to you and what you catch from your spouse. I like to drink. I use to drink a lot, but now enjoy a few drinks each night. I limit myself most nights, keeping it to 2-3 drinks, and I'm very satisfied with that. If I choose to drink more, that's when it starts. The biggest reason is that she doesn't know why I would want to get drunk. She fears it's to escape from her. It's not. I don't want to get away from her in any way. I simply enjoy the feeling, the "buzz", and it's that simple. But it's not simple for her, so it's an ongoing issue. I quit for over 4 years, sober as a church mouse, and as miserable as a blind man at a peep show. Now I drink a little, but will still catch hell at times if I'm "going to have another drink!" sometimes. I don't count, but she does. And if that count gets too high by her standards, I hear it.

    Oh, and by the way, my poison is Capt. Morgan's.
  6. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

    I think it also has a lot to do with any history that might accompany the issue. Has it been abused in the past? Has it caused problems before? Those of us with PTSD who have a problem with it don't have that problem for no reason; identifying and dealing with that reason might be the key.

    And yes, it is a different story with those thatdrink and have a history of problems, especially drunk driving, physical abuse, etc.

    Of course, just as hypervigilance, anxiety, rage, anger, flashbacks, and triggers are symptoms and signs of PTSD (or another disorder that needs medical attention), the happiness of wanting the "buzz", the enjoyment of that feeling, the slurring of speech, the meanness that often accompanies the drunkeness is a sign of alcoholism.

    When the drinking crosses THAT line, it becomes a problem.
  7. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned


    I rarely drink alcohol and haven't touched a drop since Feb 2004 because of pregnancy and breastfeeding. My choice. I also had an alcoholic stepfather so I'm not keen on anyone drinking a lot of alcohol around me. Having said that, I don't mind the occasional wine or beer or spirits for that matter when I do drink. If all you are doing is unwinding from a busy week, your not causing problems for anyone (other than maybe a hangover for you!!) and its occasional rather than a need thing.........who cares? Its probably just something else for him to bitch at you about.....water off a ducks back.
  8. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    As kerrie-ann's response depicts, hence why I do not drink much anymore in any one session. I could have one or two beers a day, providing it didn't change my mood, thus it would be acceptable to kerrie-ann, as we have discussed before, however; because of her past I understand nowadays the impact it has on her, hence why I do not even have one or two a day, but more occassionally have a beer or baileys.

    I think its not just about our individual needs, but about those we love most, generally being our partners. I don't believe there really is a right or wrong, but all I will say, is that I know now the impact it has on my partner, hence I make a decision to minimize drinking because of her reaction. Why? Because thats what a relationship is about, give and take, never only one or the other.

    My sister and her husband are both heavy drinkers, love to get pissed Friday and Saturday nights, and do so together at home generally, though because both accept this, then both remain happy. Both give and take if they are out in regard to driving, ie. one drinks one social event, the other the next, etc etc, or they agree to both drink and get a lift home or catch a taxi. I think its really about mutual agreeance in a relationship, as most things are.
  9. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies guys. Thats right I am entitled to wind down after work. In his words after I poured my third drink "gee your knocking them back arent you" I said he is lucky thats all I am knocking back!
    But when he makes the comment like that the enjoyment has gone I tipped it down the sink and went to bed.
    I dont drink that much at all and I ensure I have two AFDs ( alcohol free days) a week. With the crap that goes on I think I control myself pretty well its just annoying when he says something like that I stew on it.
  10. Kells

    Kells Active Member

    I agree with everyone here. Imho, I think alcohol has this stigma attached to it that if anyone uses it at all, people begin to scrutinize wondering "if there's a problem", lol... Haven't those who scrutinize heard that a glass of wine a day is literally good for you?

    It gets especially bad if the person who wants to enjoy alcohol once in a while has PTSD (an illness known for the whole "self medicating" thing)...
    Then it's like, if you have a single drop, ut oh! You're self medicating! lol

    I myself hate the taste of alcohol, so I drink on average of one drink every 2 years... But that doesn't mean that I subscribe to steterotypes to those who do enjoy an occasional drink because I know better. My husband used to be a full blown alcoholic 10 years ago when his PTSD was in full swing right after he left the Marine Corps. He completely stopped drinking for many, many years but now enjoys an occasional brew (he's diabetic now, so he's especially careful). Occasional in my husband's case meaning he has maybe one drink a month, if that. I personally see zero problem with that, he is an adult who no longer has the problem of abusing alcohol.

    Jen, I see absolutely nothing wrong with you enjoying some suds, especially if it's once a week... Sounds like you don't even drink that much, but even if you did, once a week is certainly not a problem, imo.

    More than one (or two, max) a day everyday might raise an eyebrow or two for me, however.
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