Childhood I'm not sure if I was molested



I recently realized I may have been molested by my father when I was little. I always thought it was just my imagination but now new things have come to light and I'm not sure if it was just my imagination.

A few years ago my sister revealed she started having repressed memories about our father molesting and raping her several times from age 3 to 13. She has very vivid memories of this happening to her. At first I didn't believe her. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive definitely, but he never laid a hand on us and the things she says he did to her are pretty horrific. And for a big part of the time it supposedly happened, me and my sister shared a bedroom. I find it hard to believe this was going on with me in the room and I never noticed. My sister has suffered other mental issues so I figured she was making it up. Since our father died over a decade ago, we had no way of confirming it.

However last year I spoke to my aunt (his sister) and told her about my sister and she revealed he also use to try to abuse her when they were younger. She made me think, if he did abuse her and my sister, did he ever do anything to me?

Then it hit me. I remembered when I was little, around age 4-5, I had an imaginary "friend" that would come visit me some nights. I named him Mr. Black cause he was just a dark figure in my room. But he would always want to touch me and have sex with me. Suddenly around age 12, I stopped seeing him. I always figured it was just like a night terror or something. But now looking back I'm really wondering if that was actually my dad and I just blocked out what was actually happening to me and wrote it off as part of my imagination. I also remembered a few times we would be in his bed watching TV together and he would start tickling me but more than once his hand "accidently" slipped between my legs. I don't know what to think cause I honestly don't know if it was really him or if that was all in my head.
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It’s very painful and confusing having memories resurface because it isn’t clear, it challenges the narrative you have lived by, and the memories don’t present themselves in a clear way.

No one but you can say what happened, which makes it hard too when you doubt yourself.

For me, underneath of the disassociation and denial, there was an element of “knowing”, deeply hidden away. Over time, and perhaps with the support of a therapist, it begins to come together.

What do you need to believe yourself?
I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It is really difficult to begin to allow yourself to remember things that are so horrific. I hope you can get some support to begin to work through this. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this whether it is your sister or someone professional.