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Childhood I'm not sure if I was molested



I recently realized I may have been molested by my father when I was little. I always thought it was just my imagination but now new things have come to light and I'm not sure if it was just my imagination.

A few years ago my sister revealed she started having repressed memories about our father molesting and raping her several times from age 3 to 13. She has very vivid memories of this happening to her. At first I didn't believe her. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive definitely, but he never laid a hand on us and the things she says he did to her are pretty horrific. And for a big part of the time it supposedly happened, me and my sister shared a bedroom. I find it hard to believe this was going on with me in the room and I never noticed. My sister has suffered other mental issues so I figured she was making it up. Since our father died over a decade ago, we had no way of confirming it.

However last year I spoke to my aunt (his sister) and told her about my sister and she revealed he also use to try to abuse her when they were younger. She made me think, if he did abuse her and my sister, did he ever do anything to me?

Then it hit me. I remembered when I was little, around age 4-5, I had an imaginary "friend" that would come visit me some nights. I named him Mr. Black cause he was just a dark figure in my room. But he would always want to touch me and have sex with me. Suddenly around age 12, I stopped seeing him. I always figured it was just like a night terror or something. But now looking back I'm really wondering if that was actually my dad and I just blocked out what was actually happening to me and wrote it off as part of my imagination. I also remembered a few times we would be in his bed watching TV together and he would start tickling me but more than once his hand "accidently" slipped between my legs. I don't know what to think cause I honestly don't know if it was really him or if that was all in my head.
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It’s very painful and confusing having memories resurface because it isn’t clear, it challenges the narrative you have lived by, and the memories don’t present themselves in a clear way.

No one but you can say what happened, which makes it hard too when you doubt yourself.

For me, underneath of the disassociation and denial, there was an element of “knowing”, deeply hidden away. Over time, and perhaps with the support of a therapist, it begins to come together.

What do you need to believe yourself?
I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It is really difficult to begin to allow yourself to remember things that are so horrific. I hope you can get some support to begin to work through this. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this whether it is your sister or someone professional.
My Foster mother was emotionally abusive during childhood, she was regularly belittling and angry at me, often reduced to tears, I remember her regular venting at me, and always accusing me of being too slow and pretending to be more stupid than I was, she had a weird punishment I was ashamed to speak of, involving me lying on her bed in her room with my trousers and pants down, and I'd be left exposed for a long time until she arrived and would whip me with belt, or spank me on the bottom with a shoe, it stung a little, yet it was the shame of being punished naked, I was ashamed of my body a lot

I was constantly on vigil, wary, trending round eggshells, nervous to provoke her temper, and her eldest son, who she never criticised, he was always playing mean trucks on my sister and I, hiding in bedroom, moving my things about, called me the freaky dancer as I did make strange stretching moves, always felt some strain in neck. At age 17 they had both moved out of the house, and I did to, and for neet 15 years didn't look back much, I was able to work, and went to college, yet all intimate relationships were emotionally turbulent, I was sexually promiscuous, as an olde teen I had sexual relationships with many, over 100 one night stands, it's a conservative estimate, when homeless I a few times slept with men for drink, drugs, usually it was my way of making friends, as I often struggled socially, I saw myself as doing a service, even when I was ashamed, I sexually pleasured elderly men, that I wasn't attractive to, I masterbated on a website, and felt disgusted in myself, and all this in early twenties, slowly escalating with more drink fuelled incidents.

I felt deeply ashamed of prostituting myself, and once I understood that's what I was doing I finally stopped, after a few occasions when my new " friends " weren't friendly, asked me to leave straight after sex it became obvious what I had fallen into. In some ways I couldn't go on trying to make friendships through sexuality, was so drunk couldn't do it anyway. Attempted suciide, failed, but then got some therapy finally, was able to return to working and having plutonic relationships, did not have sex again, I have had castration desires for years,

Never looked back properly to remember, until I heard the old foster brother was convicted of possessing and distributing child porn, and has since gone on to sadly sexually abuse young teenage boys in Bulgaria, where another trial will happen. I made a report of what I remembered he did : only then I recalled when he was about 19 he was left to childmind me, when I was about 13, a truth or dare game ended up with me naked in the bath whilst he exposed himself, pissing in the bath I was in, it was my dare as part of mucking about games that he instigated, then I was forced to share a hotel room with him when we went on holiday, I came out of our shared shower and then he began a naked wrestling tournament, again he presented it just as a funny game. I regularly watched highly sexual adult programs with him, whilst alone, whilst foster parents were out

I have really very few, sketchy memories, in total about 10 or so from up to about 10 or 11 years, many memories from teenage years onwards, and I just don't know if anything happened in those earlier years, all four children that lived in the home had serious emotional issues, and none of us in good relationship with partners, one one that committed abuses tho. Even from childhood I remember so many patchy memories, disconnected, I was very emotionally detached and withdrawn, social services wanted me to move houses, I stayed for a year or so tho.

I've not had any regular intimate partner now for over 12 years, gone from being hyper sexual to repressed, I have aweful sexual dreams and thoughts, and have spent years with gender dyspmorphia, I obsessed over being castration, and Nealy went through with surgery last year, after I realised I can't get rid of the shame by doing that, Im now in councelling again, thankfully, we have only mentioned briefly the childhood traumas , and talked more about present struggles, I feel it's something I must talk through, I just don't know what happened in the past, if anything worse than what I already know of, I worry why nearly all my childhood up to 10 / 11 is a blank, with only some sketchy isolated memories

It's easier to not think about it, as it was all in the past, and I didn't see the abusers throughout life, they are in denial, and describe teenage years I do remember well in totally unfamiliar, distorted ways, so have no contact with them. The foster brother and mother were more emotionally and mentally abusive than that sexual, to me, at least from the teenage years, what possibly happened in the years earlier ?! Family pictures I look through often show me as a child, bewildered, confused, and even scared in a few, even tho in other pictures I can be seen happy climbing a tree, eating cakes, and with friends on a day out, so those few pictures don't prove anything.

My biological mother had been visiting when I was very young, i only knee a long long time later, she witnessed foster mother smacking me, as a baby, she was angry yet her complaints not taken seriously, I believe she was honest and lived in an aweful worry and anger over it, I was at least able to reunite with her, and thank God, even though poor Mom, my real mum that is, I couldn't tell her the whole truth, dispute having her own mental problems, with a brain cyst, I finally had a mother, after living 17 years without one, it was a deeply emotional relationship, I'm so so glad she cared for me greatly, when she was well and could, and I love her, and we had 25 years together, ye arguing sometimes, having some big arguments, yet many years of finally being able to love and be loved,

Well, I felt compelled to share my story with others, I what I know of it. I want to do all I can to find out what happened in the past, even though I also fear discovering the truth, I'ts hard living with the not knowing, so frustrating and disorienting, so I don't think about it most of the time, rarely, sometimes never, yet it get provoked sometimes, and when I was talking to other family members from those years, and hearing more about the older foster brothers sexual offences, it stirred up heavy emotions as you can imagine.

A few years on, no more new memories recovered, and just except I don't know and I'll try to talk about it more in councelling