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Undiagnosed I'm not sure what i have

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ncolvin

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I've never been officially diagnosed, mainly because I don't have the money and/or don't even know where to go or who to go to seek help. What I do know is that I barely remember my childhood and adolescence. My dad had a heart attack and stroke when I was 11, and I was the one who found him. I couldn't move until the paramedics came. Until that point, I heard and felt him die. He "survived" but not without 6 months of being in a coma and losing almost all of his mind.

The next 8 years were spent with my mom, who was manic depressive herself, and famously told me about the situation with my dad that "... If you had just know CPR, he might not be so bad."

My dad doesn't even know that I'm his son, because I'm the youngest and the damage to his memory wiped the more recent parts away.

This brings me to the first time that the above memory struck. I was 19, and my mom had just passed. I don't remember what sparked whatever it is I have, but my dad's accident came back with a vengeance. I was back with my dad again, 11 years old. My heart races, my head feels like someone cracked an opening with an ice pick and is using their hands to pry my skull open from the inside. But I can't do anything except hope it ends.

That's the more severe reactions. If I'm lucky I can cut it off before it gets there, sort of. But even when I have a 'mild' attack it is exhausting because it takes everything I have just to stop my mind from experiencing that memory again.

I'm 31 now. The attacks don't happen as often, but I'm always exhausted. I'm emotionally void, I really don't care about much, especially if it concerns myself. I'm married, and my wife is one of the people I've told. I told my oldest brother as well, but his reaction was just, "I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks."

I've kept the all of this inside for years, my wife was the first to know, and by then I was 26. I just don't know what else to do or where to go for help. I've never been a popular person, and the reaction I feel I'd get by telling people is that I'd either be called more of a freak or be told that I'm just trying to play a victim for attention.

But I can't keep doing this anymore, I'm so tired and the constant regulation of my emotions and making sure that I don't explode and hurt someone (verbally or otherwise) is draining me. Between work, my family, and whatever this can be considered to be (PTSD is the closest description that I've found that fits), something is going to give.

Any ideas on what I should do, where I can seek affordable help (I'm a High school science teacher), and even if I should try to open it to my friends about it would be greatly appreciated. My experiences so far in trying to reach for help are minimal, as my wife and my brother don't understand what I'm going through and/or don't know what to do themselves.

Thank you for reading this far, and for any responses.
 
wow - that's a lot for a child to have to deal with....

If you have 211 in your area you can give them a call and get a referral to mental heath services - most of them are on sliding scales. Once you get a definitive diagnosis then they can help with getting you on the right track for treatment....

Talking to people about how you feel? Do you trust them with your feelings? If so, sure. They might be able to help you feel less pressure until you can get 'formal" help

Talking to people about the diagnosis? Kind of a mixed bag. You might want to wait until you know have a diagnosis so you can educate them on the best way to help

And welcome!
 
Welcome, Glad you found us and reached out for some answers. Takes courage to talk with strangers... hopefully, if you stick around and find this place helpful, and hopeful, we won't remain strangers...
I don't know where you live, and no need to share that, just that many communities have outreach programs that you can check into. Or to keep it simple and less stressful, possibly go to your family Dr, and share what is going on, and that you need help to get things straightened out, and they can refer you to other resources.... You don't have to tell the Dr the details, but you are asking for help...

Sending good thoughts and energy for you to find a way to get help. No one should have to try and live like this.. you do deserve to get help.

Glad you are here... you are not alone anymore.. we do understand.
 
I'm so sorry this happened to you. How many 11 year olds know CPR. Even with CPR, it might not have helped at all. It doesn't work like TV. It was a lot for you to go through. I'm glad you found us and hope to see you on the forum.
 
I just don't know what else to do or where to go for help. I've never been a popular person, and the reaction I feel I'd get by telling people is that I'd either be called more of a freak or be told that I'm just trying to play a victim for attention.
You are not playing a victim. Not all attention is bad.

Counseling would be a wonderful option to look into. If you have health insurance, try contacting them for a list of therapists that specialize in trauma.
 
Welcome. No one on the Internet can diagnose you. No one except a qualified mental health professional can do that (and still not over the Internet, I don't think). That said, what you experienced as a child is traumatic and it has affected you, your memory, and other difficulties.

You've made a great start by coming here. That's the first step that takes the most guts.
 
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