I'm Pretty Sure This is PTSD

[reallydown]

hi--this is my first time posting here...i have no idea where to begin...well, here it goes. i am originally from one of the numerous parts of the world ravaged by war, and now (well, for the past 4 years or so) i've really been having a tough time...the memories of the shelling and shooting and various other aspects of war are flooding back--i have flashbacks and used to have nightmares (now i just don't sleep much--i don't think i even get to REM)...it has reached a point where i can't concentrate...i snap at people easily etc. i've had some counselling and am just in the process of finding somoene else to talk to...nobody has actually officially called it ptsd but they have suggested emdr etc. (were also quick to suggest medication) so i'm pretty sure that it is ptsd...my throat is dry and tightening as i'm writing this...i have trouble with things that remind me of my childhood in a war zone (footage of war; war movies; even halloween--because of the firecrackers--all sudden, loud noises startle me easily)
even with all of that, i feel very lucky that i'm alive and out of danger...most of my family members are alive still...while there were a lot of scary moments, i still feel i have it easy...especially compared to what other people (in this particular conflict, but also in other ones across the globe) have gone through or will go through...most of the time i just feel like i have no right to complain.
anyway, this stuff is interferring with my life... it's so embarrassing when i have to ask profs to extend paper deadlines etc...even though most have been pretty understanding. anyway, i should head to bed and try to get some sleep...i'm sorry to babble so much.

 

[anthony]

Hi RD,

Welcome to the forum, and no need to apologise for babble, as we welcome that here also, as it is often where most things get resolved. It pretty much sounds like crap what you have been through, and I can relate to what your saying about war zones... let alone living in one, that is another thing I guess.

From the small amount you've written, it could very well be PTSD that you have, as not much else sounds remotely close when someone has it. You describe it pretty much, so I think it could just be a matter of diagnosis now. Even though its about one of the worst things a person could get, knowing is the best thing, because atleast you have scope to turn and focus your work to recovery.

Uni hey? Well... I must say, I give you some serious credit for even being able to get your work in at all, let alone with extensions. No easy feat with PTSD, that is for certain.

Look forward to catching up, and hope you tell us some more soon...

 

[Nam]

Welcome Reallydown (RD?), we are glad you are here. I hope things start to look up for you. And, as Anthony has said, going to school is stressful enough, let alone trying to do it with PTSD. Do you live alone or a roomate?? or at home? Just wondering, cause I can see some ways to reduce living stress while going to school...(just from my experience)

I hope the very best for your family.

 

[reallydown]

hello again--thanks for the warm welcome and kind words...
yes...sometimes i think i'm crazy for going to school...but paradoxically--it's one of the only things that's keeping me at least somewhat sane...even as it's driving me nuts...

Nam--to answer your question, it's a relief that i am living at home...at least i don't have the additional stress of paying bills, food etc...

i know i didn't give a lot of detail about my experiences...i just find it hard even to type it up...although, in a kind of a wierd way...it's easier to talk about it here than to people who are close to me...

i was 7 yrs old when the war started...i remember hearing the sounds of bullets (and later shells), sleeping in the hallway on the floor (in case 'stray' bullets or worse--'wandered' in)...i remember times when there was no electricity or running water; when food was scarce...i remember practically dreaming about eggs, or bananas...let alone chocolate etc...

one of my best friends ( he was a couple of yrs older than yours truly) was blown to bits by a shell...his mother had to pick up his dismembered body...i didn't see this but i heard about it...i'm sorry...i can't continue now

 

[anthony]

RD,

I understand exactly what your saying about being able to communicate easier to others who have PTSD than to family or those who don't understand what we go through on a daily basis. It is one of those illnesses that unless you have walked it, experienced it, you can't ever completely comprehend the internal emotions, the pulling and pushing inside our heads, just to get by day to day. Your not alone... that you must understand.

I imagine at that young age, having to sleep on the floor and never know whether your going to wakeup in the morning, is enough trauma for any one person to handle. To be here, your definately one of the very strong to make it past such terrible times, and continue to fight regardless. Well done for your effort in surviving thus far...