I'm really struggling to keep ... functional

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I've had times of depression most of my life on and off. But this time it maybe situational. The whole year has been really tough and filled with unexpected big changes. So I've been swinging between depression and anxiety. To be honest most of this year has been adapting to change. Traveling back to my home country for long periods, twice (with covid tests and vaccination). Changing apartment as well. Now changing job.

And now I'm just... I don't know. I was so motivated in June and July and trying however I felt. The last two weeks I'm not sure who I am. I sleep too much, I have anxiety and panic attacks regularly again. When I'm awake there are a lot of times I do the tasks on my laptop half laying down. I make plans and can't follow through with them. Make schedules, then panic. I get through the panic but then I do random stuff all day. Despite of anything good that happens or knowing that I'm travelling back home in mid-September, I feel stuck here and like I am lying to myself thinking I will find work again. I do small tasks and then take huge breaks.

I want to change, but my motivation has went below 0. I keep postponing things, and waking up already low and having a hard time having clear thoughts. I get headaches from how much I fight with myself internally. It feels like I have no energy for a big change, but small isn't enough. And then I get frozen and before I know it another day has passed. I watch certain TV shows because it's the only thing I'm looking for. At night I keep waiting for the relief of being asleep ...

I know how to make plans, set goals. I just feel like I have no backbone to execute anything right now. My days are mostly wasted and I hate myself for it.
Tomorrow I'm getting a notebook so I can start journaling again (it usually helps me) and it's the only thing I'm looking forward to.
At this point, I should be wiser and know how to snap out of this and I hate that I haven't been able to... How do I snap out of this? The longer I don't have (stable) work, the longer I have a reason to be hard on myself. But every day I keep ... sliding out of being present.
 

Starfire

Confident
What a horrible feeling. I haven't found any snapping out of it. More a gentle incline. Get frustrated but that doesn't give me any more energy to perform. Whenever I'm particularly hard on myself, like yesterday, my T reminds me it is a disease. Thanks for sharing. Hope it helped you as it did me.
 
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