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I'm really struggling

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bellbird

MyPTSD Pro
I've tried to write this post a couple of times but always ended up deleting it.
I struggle a lot of the time with talking about this kind of thing. It's probably a lingering effect from my past abusive relationship. Me struggling equaled punishment and a very clear message that it was unacceptable for me to feel that way. But I'm trying to push through that in order to write this.

Things have been slipping downhill quite fast recently. On Tuesday I was hospitalised due to suicidal ideation. I was released on Tuesday night after agreeing on a plan with the mental health nurses and doctor that saw me that I was to give the pills I had been planning to take to a friend of mine. I did. She still has them. My flatmates were also notified to keep an eye on me.

Every moment of every day is becoming a struggle. My nightmares are becoming too much. I keep myself up most nights now until I can't stay up any longer. Falling asleep earlier just means more nightmares. Even with less sleep I still get them. Most times I wake up yelling out in fear and drenched in sweat. It is pure torment.
During the day I'll often flashback to the images from the night before. There is no escape.

Life has lost all joy. I have lost all motivation. My university studies are suffering. I'm on indefinite extensions for all assignments currently. My supervisor understands that it's important for me to not drop out completely. But I feel like such a failure.
I used to love my brain, now my memory is shot and I can barely think. It's like it has turned against me.

I cycle between total numbness and a sobbing mess. How did my life come to this? How will it ever end? I just can't see the point of it all anymore.

I'm in therapy. The crisis team phones me daily. I've tried all medications that my doctor can think of. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday to review my medications, but I have very little hope they will do anything. I've been told they probably won't be able to try me on prazosin again due to the tachycardia it gave me.

I feel lost and helpless and scared. Just so f*cking scared.
 
Aside from the nightmares, it's like I could have written your post. I've felt the same way for a few weeks now. I've never had much luck with medications, nor do I like them. Years ago I was like I am now, feeling hopeless and depressed. Once I found a really good therapist, it got better...until now. That gives me hope that we can all feel better. For how long, I don't know. I wish I had some great advice to offer other than to commiserate, but I'm tired and feeling much the same as you. Hopefully we can both find the help we need. :hug:
 
Can you expand on the medications you have tried? Have you tried all classes?....antidepressants of all kinds, SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, atypicals? Mood stabilizers? Antipsychotics? Anxiolytics? It would take decades to try every medication out there, not to mention combinations of medications, so I’m wondering if a change of doctor would help since this one is drawing a blank at this point? Sometimes it takes someone who can look at things differently.

(It took me 3 months to figure out dosing of just two meds, and that was after determining they were the right meds for me....I have a friend who is on month six right now and the end for him is nowhere in sight.)

I think the first step may be finding something that helps with your sleep and nightmares, whether it be meds or therapy, as bad sleep just messes up everything else.

:hug:
 
I wish I had some great advice to offer other than to commiserate
Thank you for posting though. It's a small comfort to know I'm not alone through all this, though I wish you weren't going through it either.

Can you expand on the medications you have tried?
SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, tetracyclics, benzodiazepines, prazosin, zopiclone, seroquil, promethazine, melatonin short and long acting. I'm probably forgetting others, that's just what I can think of off the top of my head.
Cannabis inhaled and ingested (it's not legal here and I don't go for illegal approaches, my ex used to 'administer' it to me, to put it nicely, but I thought I'd mention it for the record because I've tried it and it did nothing for nightmares).
Other non-medication relaxation approaches - acupuncture, acupressure, massage, supplements eg. magnesium, glycine (inhibitory neurotransmitter), glutamine (gaba precursor), valerian, passionflower, holy basil, a number of essential oils, baths, yoga...

Sometimes it takes someone who can look at things differently.
Yes, you're probably right. My current doctor is the 'best' doctor I've seen so I suppose I don't have a lot of hope/ high expectations
 
I’m guessing you’re not in the USA? Do you know if you have genetic testing available where you live? It can help determine which meds will possibly work better for you based on your genetic profile.

You have tried quite a lot of meds! I know what that feels like. The genetic testing put me on the right track. The first med I tried based on its recommendations was a winner. Barring any dangerous side effects, I will be on it for quite some time.

And the one med I was already on that helped me the most was the only one in its class of medication (antipsychotics) that popped up in the most helpful category on the genetic test results. My doc was surprised and said that never happens!

I wish I could give you better advice. It sucks to run so many things and have them all fail. It’s quite frustrating and leaves you feeling hopeless.

I’m not trying to push meds as “the” answer, but I know when you’re very symptomatic they give our mind a big pause so that the whole system can calm down.
 
Hey there :hug:

That sounds so hard. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It really wasn't that long ago that I was having this same problem, and I'm trying hard to think of advice besides "hang in there." I remember trying to distract myself by doing new things during the day... I also remember that the more homework I had to do, the more that backed up, the worse I got. I was overwhelmed and needed outside help... and it happened to me at least twice.

I'm glad you got hospitalized, and glad people are checking on you. I think you're really amazing and would be so sad if I couldn't talk to you anymore. I know I'm not the only one, either.

I have OCD and therefore have gotten into some pretty weird habits, believing that I am keeping nightmares at bay by showering nightly (washing away the filth that can "Cause bad dreams"), keeping my sheets overly clean, not eating two hours before I sleep, going to bed at specific times... I slowly got rid of the one habit that was messing with me, which was counting exact amounts of sleep cycles (90minutes for me). But, despite being part of a mental illness, it actually did help me, because of the placebo effect. Imagining the nightmare-causing-filth being washed off in warm water every night actually did help me practice mindfulness and grounding, and therefore I could sleep easier. Ironically, when you aren't terrified of getting nightmares, they actually decrease.

I am so afraid of going back to those times of constant nightmares that I don't want to treat the OCD part of me that needs nightly cleansing rituals, but is that really a bad thing? (Not right now, it isn't.) So, I understand how overwhelming it is.

Daily anxiety can mess with my ability to avoid nightmares, too. I had tons of nightmares this week, moving and adjusting to a new environment. I slept very little, which (for me) makes flashbacks much worse. In fact... the reason I'm online currently is because I had a nightmare :(

When I had 7 million papers due, my nightmares increased, and my ability to manage them during the day decreased. Weirdly, making a plan of attack for my assignments helped just enough.

Suicidal thought don't make you a bad person, by the way. That happened to me too. I don't think I've posted much about suicide here, except to say why I hang in there. Which is basically because I keep making plans and to-do lists, and I force myself to rest if I'm afraid to sleep.

I reminded myself constantly that nightmares would not be the end of me. Even if it felt like they were ruining my life.

I also play music, softly, and listen to that.

Don't let yourself tell you that you're a failure. You aren't. Struggling isn't the same thing as failure.

(Anyway... you're science-y, aren't you? So you know that failure is good for you? :P )

I hope something here helps you -- or at least I hope you know I support you and I know you can get past this. It will be hard but it won't take you :) :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
I’m guessing you’re not in the USA? Do you know if you have genetic testing available where you live?
Yeah I'm not in the USA. Is genetic testing the same as genome sequencing, or different?
I have a feeling we don't have it though, unfortunately. I'd be keen for it; both for practical and interest-based reasons (I'm studying genetics at university), but I don't think we're as advanced as the US when it comes to things like that. I can always ask the psychiatrist on Tuesday though.
The first med I tried based on its recommendations was a winner.
That's really great; both for you personally and just to know how effective it is.
I’m not trying to push meds as “the” answer
No I know, I totally understand where you're coming from.

I am so afraid of going back to those times of constant nightmares that I don't want to treat the OCD part of me
I totally understand. I don't have OCD so I can't specifically relate, but given my own fear of nightmares this makes a lot of sense.
I slept very little, which (for me) makes flashbacks much worse.
Yeah, it is the same for me.
In fact... the reason I'm online currently is because I had a nightmare
(((((littleoc)))))
Anyway... you're science-y, aren't you? So you know that failure is good for you?
Haha, yes :P
I hope something here helps you -- or at least I hope you know I support you
I really appreciate your support.
 
The genetic testing here in the USA tests for certain genes that may affect how well we metabolize a certain medication. It also tests for the MTHFR gene which can have an effect on whether or not an antidepressant will work or not.
 
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, @bellbird .

The only thing that curbed my active suicidal ideation was a mix of antipsychotic and mood stabilizer. I was kinda lucky because my pdoc knew what to do, and I had the confirmation a few days ago when I forgot my antipsychotic.

Worth to ask?
Hope you feel better soon :hug:
 
If genome sequencing is available, maybe a physician would know how to work with that (or really, know who to go to to translate the data)?
Ironically this is the sort of area I'm studying at university...
It also tests for the MTHFR gene
Yeah I have read of this one. I didn't realise it can effect antidepressant metabolism though.
Worth to ask?
Yes I will see what the psychiatrist says. Do you mind me asking what antipsychotic you take?
Would going inpatient for a more extended amount of time be a possibility for you?
Is this something that happens voluntarily or involuntarily?
I was actually prepared to be put in a ward when I was hospitalised this week but my local hospital is undergoing a lot of renovations currently and so it is quite crowded, so at the time the mental health team tried to make a safety plan that involved me being at home instead. I suppose it is possible, though.
 
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