bellbird
MyPTSD Pro
I've tried to write this post a couple of times but always ended up deleting it.
I struggle a lot of the time with talking about this kind of thing. It's probably a lingering effect from my past abusive relationship. Me struggling equaled punishment and a very clear message that it was unacceptable for me to feel that way. But I'm trying to push through that in order to write this.
Things have been slipping downhill quite fast recently. On Tuesday I was hospitalised due to suicidal ideation. I was released on Tuesday night after agreeing on a plan with the mental health nurses and doctor that saw me that I was to give the pills I had been planning to take to a friend of mine. I did. She still has them. My flatmates were also notified to keep an eye on me.
Every moment of every day is becoming a struggle. My nightmares are becoming too much. I keep myself up most nights now until I can't stay up any longer. Falling asleep earlier just means more nightmares. Even with less sleep I still get them. Most times I wake up yelling out in fear and drenched in sweat. It is pure torment.
During the day I'll often flashback to the images from the night before. There is no escape.
Life has lost all joy. I have lost all motivation. My university studies are suffering. I'm on indefinite extensions for all assignments currently. My supervisor understands that it's important for me to not drop out completely. But I feel like such a failure.
I used to love my brain, now my memory is shot and I can barely think. It's like it has turned against me.
I cycle between total numbness and a sobbing mess. How did my life come to this? How will it ever end? I just can't see the point of it all anymore.
I'm in therapy. The crisis team phones me daily. I've tried all medications that my doctor can think of. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday to review my medications, but I have very little hope they will do anything. I've been told they probably won't be able to try me on prazosin again due to the tachycardia it gave me.
I feel lost and helpless and scared. Just so f*cking scared.
I struggle a lot of the time with talking about this kind of thing. It's probably a lingering effect from my past abusive relationship. Me struggling equaled punishment and a very clear message that it was unacceptable for me to feel that way. But I'm trying to push through that in order to write this.
Things have been slipping downhill quite fast recently. On Tuesday I was hospitalised due to suicidal ideation. I was released on Tuesday night after agreeing on a plan with the mental health nurses and doctor that saw me that I was to give the pills I had been planning to take to a friend of mine. I did. She still has them. My flatmates were also notified to keep an eye on me.
Every moment of every day is becoming a struggle. My nightmares are becoming too much. I keep myself up most nights now until I can't stay up any longer. Falling asleep earlier just means more nightmares. Even with less sleep I still get them. Most times I wake up yelling out in fear and drenched in sweat. It is pure torment.
During the day I'll often flashback to the images from the night before. There is no escape.
Life has lost all joy. I have lost all motivation. My university studies are suffering. I'm on indefinite extensions for all assignments currently. My supervisor understands that it's important for me to not drop out completely. But I feel like such a failure.
I used to love my brain, now my memory is shot and I can barely think. It's like it has turned against me.
I cycle between total numbness and a sobbing mess. How did my life come to this? How will it ever end? I just can't see the point of it all anymore.
I'm in therapy. The crisis team phones me daily. I've tried all medications that my doctor can think of. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday to review my medications, but I have very little hope they will do anything. I've been told they probably won't be able to try me on prazosin again due to the tachycardia it gave me.
I feel lost and helpless and scared. Just so f*cking scared.