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I'm so...broken this week

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It's been gradually getting worse no matter what I did this month, but today it's a new low. After a week of getting between really depressed and really anxious, I'm starting to find it impossibly hard to go through my days.
Today I had a lot of meetings and any time there would be any delay I would feel more and more anxious to a point where now at the end of the day, I can't function. My mind is spinning. I am in so much pain, mentally. I wanted to reach out to few friends, but from my closest ones, 2 have baby and toddler, and so they are really busy. 1 another is going through something as well. One is on a trip. And the last one had a flu today and I just can't bother her. Few of those are a friend group, meaning we all know each other and we have a whatsapp group to share updates...so I wanted to leave a message for them, but I can say a word or I end up rambling and making no sense.
The worse I feel the harder it is to say anything. I can't say anything. They know I've struggled with those things and I got better. They have their own trouble. I can't do that when everyone has something going on.

I have a dance class tomorrow and I'll probably go. I'm sure it will be nice, but it will be momentary solace, not solution. I'm sure there are better things to do to help myself, and I'm sure I'll get to them tomorrow, but today I just kind of feel mute. Like I want to scream that I need - something, help, to talk, anything- and I can't. It feels disgusting, like I'm useless and everything is pointless and I'm too useless to actually do anything about it.
 
Depression and anxiety does twist our mind into such madness sometimes. I've been where you are. That just to try and make a full sentence is just too much.

But a lot of hoorays for the fact you went to work anyway, are planning on going to the dance class... and remember, you can always talk to us.. we're listening. gentle hugs if you accept.:hug::hug:
 
Depression and anxiety does twist our mind into such madness sometimes. I've been where you are. That jus...
Thanks! Today just feels impossible. Even though there isn't much left of the day. It feels soul-crushing. I had to respond to 2 messages in chat(one being from my dance class) and I keep rereading what I wrote. I feel like one wrong word and...I don't know:(. How am I supposed to build a future when I feel this way? How am I supposed to get through today or tomorrow?
 
Five minutes at a time. You will get to the other side. Do you have a T you can contact, or a hot line you can call?

Hope you can sleep and rest. Sounds so simple, but it does help sometimes... we are here for you. :hug:
 
Five minutes at a time. You will get to the other side. Do you have a T you can contact, or a hot line yo...
Not really. I can't afford therapy yet(I've been in the past and I know the person to go to, she was so helpful!--but alas not yet). I've tried hotlines before and they just made me feel worse. The only one that ever felt helpful was Rainn and obviously that one is not for right now(although times like this do bring up triggers).

I did manage to distract myself for a bit, which was something. I have 2 apps on my phone, one which is indeed just distractions from self-harm, which is something! I ended up thinking of solutions to issues and since I've been feeling beaten down by my weight loss too(although it's my smallest problem right now to be honest), and depression doesn't exactly improve that...So I downloaded food and exercise tracker on my phone. It once helped me a lot, but I only used the website which was an issue. I downloaded the app. Maybe that will make me move more or think of what I eat. I also found my audio diary from the year before, and it was interesting to see what I was going through then and hear my thoughts-literally. I made small audio to note how to awful today was. I'm hoping that if I get through this, in a year I can look back and hear myself and know I've had days like this and somehow got through. Those are all random and they won't help me get through my work anxiety, or the fact that my bills are twice what I'll make next month, or that it's hard to function lately, which makes solving big things even harder...but...Even if none of this does anything, it still distracted me for a bit. I need to feel like this, to do things that make me feel like I have a future, even when I am not sure I do. Even if all I'm doing is passing out.

I feel completely totaled, massively broken and screwed up. But I am still here, even if that means nothing. I'm sorry I'm rambling in here- but today it feels like it's what's getting me through when all else was failing to do so.

*passing through, not passing out.
 
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That was a great share. What I got from it is, you do have some tools you are using. Sometimes we need others to validate how we are feeling and really see that we are in pain. But you have some pretty outstanding tools you thought about today. And doing something, that is very powerful for where you are right now. Making that effort. Taking that action.

These times are very hard. Especially when we already have no energy, and yet, you did take action today. Won't fix all this ,of course, but will help you some thru the day.

It's so very hard to remember that feelings are not facts when we cant seem to drag out mind, heart and soul out of the rabbit hole...

And yes, even three months from now, you can hear that recording, and see that you made it thru, and get a lot of self validation that you took some action. You may not need anyone to be proud of you, but I am. I know how hard it is to make our self move when that is the last thing on earth we want to do...

Happy to hear you took some action... at least try to be proud of yourself for that... and that you are on this journey, and todays actions say, you don't give up easy... And that's a good thing...

Hope tomorrow is a little better, then the day after that even better..if only in baby steps.. And hope you get to see a T very soon.

Gentle hugs if you accept.:hug::hug:
 
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