I'm so exausted and suicidal

Complex Lulu

New Here
Yesterday night was one of the worst I've had so far. Can't fully explain what has happened. I couldn't sleep and was thinking of killing myself. I'm so exausted. When I made up my mind to do it all of a sudden it felt like someone slammed me in the head with a hammer. Felt really dysregulated and disoriented. I had huge complex ptsd episode in which i just howled crying and being absolutely terrified thst there's a man in my house in my kitchen, holding a knife.... Furious... Out to get anyone who's in his way. I know there was no one there, but in my head it was like "he's about to open the door and hurt you". I run into my bf room hyperventilating like mad. I calmed down after another 30min or so.

And here I am again, very suicidal. I just want to end it. I'm so exhausted. So confused as to what is my brain doing to me. Did anyone dealt with similar problem?
 
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joeylittle

Administrator
I'm sorry to hear how badly you're feeling, @Complex Lulu.
I just want to end it. I'm so exhausted.
I've been feeling like this lately, too. It helps me to remember that there's a difference between wanting the flashbacks and the sadness and the pain and fear to stop, vs. wanting to die. I hear you saying that you're exhausted, and that's completely understandable. Do you think it's possible that you don't want to end your own life - you want relief from your suffering. And right. now, death might seem like the only thing that will give you relief - but death isn't relief. It's just a stopping, there's no relief that comes along with that.
 

Friday

Moderator
And right. now, death might seem like the only thing that will give you relief - but death isn't relief. It's just a stopping, there's no relief that comes along with that.
True, that. I have died. The only thing that changed? The ability to do Jack Shit about any of my problems. All the pain was still there. Just also added a metric chiton of helplessness/powerlessness.
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
I'm sorry to hear how badly you're feeling, @Complex Lulu.

I've been feeling like this lately, too. It helps me to remember that there's a difference between wanting the flashbacks and the sadness and the pain and fear to stop, vs. wanting to die. I hear you saying that you're exhausted, and that's completely understandable. Do you think it's possible that you don't want to end your own life - you want relief from your suffering. And right. now, death might seem like the only thing that will give you relief - but death isn't relief. It's just a stopping, there's no relief that comes along with that.
I want to die even if I'm not in the flashback. Once I'm im in a flashback that feeling just gets much stronger. I'm incapable of feeling any pleasure fpr past 8 years... even with 2 year long therapy. The only moment I feel anything it's pain and fear that's why I think it's so hard to want to keep on going.
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I want to die even if I'm not in the flashback. Once I'm im in a flashback that feeling just gets much stronger. I'm incapable of feeling any pleasure fpr past 8 years... even with 2 year long therapy. The only moment I feel anything it's pain and fear that's why I think it's so hard to want to keep on going.
I understand this feeling a lot! I was suicidal every single day for 2 decades. I've been in therapy for over a decade (11 and a half years) and only recently (past few years) did that go away or reduce a great deal. I may get suicidal when in a bad spell but was suicidal for so long, all the time, every day. Was hell! I also couldn't feel any real positive emotions. It was terror and dread most of the time.

I say that to say to keep pushing and actively working therapy as it is helping even when you don't think it is. Every tiny step forward, no matter how small, counts. Someone once said to me that when you go into a Forrest, at some point are you half in or half out? There is another side. It doesn't feel like there is and it doesn't feel like you can get to it but there is and you can.

Not saying it will take you that long either. It won't take most that long. Just saying that I totally get the thing of no positive emotion for 8 years. Keep taking those small micro steps forward. They all matter and add up to big steps!
 

Starfire

Confident
Yesterday night was one of the worst I've had so far. Can't fully explain what has happened. I couldn't sleep and was thinking of killing myself. I'm so exausted. When I made up my mind to do it all of a sudden it felt like someone slammed me in the head with a hammer. Felt really dysregulated and disoriented. I had huge complex ptsd episode in which i just howled crying and being absolutely terrified thst there's a man in my house in my kitchen, holding a knife.... Furious... Out to get anyone who's in his way. I know there was no one there, but in my head it was like "he's about to open the door and hurt you". I run into my bf room hyperventilating like mad. I calmed down after another 30min or so.

And here I am again, very suicidal. I just want to end it. I'm so exhausted. So confused as to what is my brain doing to me. Did anyone dealt with similar problem?
That was so horrible. So scary. So sorry that happened. Hope you are feeling a little better now.
 
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