Relationship I'm struggling today

My heart physically hurts, just needed to reach out to people that understands....

Partner is cptsd sufferer. Always hidden it, best kept secret in the world.

8 months into relationship he told me, and now is getting treatment.

Ive tried to educate myself and support in any way I can, but today I'm struggling massively. I'm here as it's comforting to know I'm not alone

I hadn't physically seen him for 4 weeks as was giving him space that the therapist said to do.. But finally saw him a week ago. He held me lso tight and for so long when he opened the door. Over the 4 hours I was with him.. He was tactile and held my hand lots and told me he was sorry and he will get better. He said that I'm more than just a gf to him..real genuine love and words from him.
I reassured him that it will be OK and that I love him and he just has to continue making himself better.I can wait.. I left there feeling loved and it woukd just be a long hard process for him and us.

Since then we've spoken every day he says he really misses me.. but then we had a very long convo 2 days ago when he said he doesn't know where he sees us going anymore. Whether we should split and be friends or what as this will take a long time. ... I said it's a lifetime of healing and that it's no pressure. I'm in it for the long run no matter how bad it gets.(he has abuse /abandonment issues) I know how he feels about us, and I still love him the way I did before this rared its head.

He said hes been told before he's been loved and that in the end didn't matter, they still hurt him

He said I've been very patient..but he need to work out what he wants for the next 25 years... (he told me before it was me him abroad and a dog) but now he's not sure about anything.
We spoke the next day as usual but yesterday we didn't. He's pulling further away so it seems...

Today I just feel so so sad, physically my heart hurts. I know I can't do anything for him other than what I'm doing.. ,I miss him and us so much. .
I feel horrible and selfish for just thinking I wish I could turn back time and not ask him what was wrong just like everybody else did.. so we could still have the lovely relationship that we had before he started therapy, and that makes me hate myself for feeling that. He deserves the world. Literally.

I just feel very sad and emotional today like I said.. . I am tryin to keep busy and look after myself but I'm really hurting from the last couple of days.. .and as this site before gave me such good advice (it's like a comfort blanket) I just feel I needed to reach out as just vocalising it feels a little better..
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hiya @Birdhouseinmysoul, looking after someone and trying to keep a relationship afloat can be very draining. It's hard I know and from what you've said you've invested alot of time and care into this but at what cost to yourself?

It's not selfish to care and look after yourself aswell. You've been taking care of someone else's needs because you want them to get better but you also need to look after yourself. Please be kind to yourself, you have needs too!
 
@Survivor3 .. Thanks.. I'm trying to keep busy and do nice things but it's really not doing any good. I wake up with a hurt heart and carry this ball of god knows what in my guts. I'm trying to let the emotions ride thro as normally I'm the type to shut all that out. I know it's an emotion and emotions change so tomorrow will be different again. .. But this has suckerpunched me... I spose I've realised how much he does mean to me, which is a good thing to really know even if it has made me cry.

Noone else - bar on here really understands so thanks for your kind words. It's made a bit of a difference X
 
@Survivor3 .. Thanks.. I'm trying to keep busy and do nice things but it's really not doing any good. I wake up with a hurt heart and carry this ball of god knows what in my guts. I'm trying to let the emotions ride thro as normally I'm the type to shut all that out. I know it's an emotion and emotions change so tomorrow will be different again. .. But this has suckerpunched me... I spose I've realised how much he does mean to me, which is a good thing to really know even if it has made me cry.

Noone else - bar on here really understands so thanks for your kind words. It's made a bit of a difference X
Hi , I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I really really get it . I was so lost and broken when a very similar thing happened to me ( he’s left now for three months). I just posted a thread that might be ok for you “ advice and observations for supporters who need a hug” but maybe it’s too nicey nice for the place you are in right now.
Trust yourself . Try not to worry about how your actions affect him and do what you need to do : time - I promise I promise - will tell you and you WILL be ok, you will!!! I didn’t think I would be. You will find this is teaching you something too. I know that sounds hippy but it really will and you will come out richer and stronger and full of wisdom . Giving you hugs from Scotland
 
Hi , I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I really really get it . I was so lost and broken when a very similar thing happened to me ( he’s left now for three months). I just posted a thread that might be ok for you “ advice and observations for supporters who need a hug” but maybe it’s too nicey nice for the place you are in right now.
Trust yourself . Try not to worry about how your actions affect him and do what you need to do : time - I promise I promise - will tell you and you WILL be ok, you will!!! I didn’t think I would be. You will find this is teaching you something too. I know that sounds hippy but it really will and you will come out richer and stronger and full of wisdom . Giving you hugs from Scotland
Thankyou for responding. I've just read your suggested post.... My partner hasn't (yet) abandoned me, he's just quiet.. I'm giving him the space he needs tho we have touched in with each other today. I think if or when it does fall apart properly I will try and do your suggestions.... , I just feel really sad that he's hurting and can do bugger all about it. It's that waiting game and not knowing the end result. ... I feel sad that the relationship isn't how it was at the moment and I really miss everything about him.yet I know how I'm feeling is nowhere as bad as he feels. I've realised today that he knows I love and support him, (even if he doesn't probably feel it) ... but I don't have that reassurance back from him, and that's hard to think that as it wasn't that way before therapy started.
Tomorrow is a new day tho. So who knows what that will bring.. 😁
 

Livinginhope

Confident
Thankyou for responding. I've just read your suggested post.... My partner hasn't (yet) abandoned me, he's just quiet.. I'm giving him the space he needs tho we have touched in with each other today. I think if or when it does fall apart properly I will try and do your suggestions.... , I just feel really sad that he's hurting and can do bugger all about it. It's that waiting game and not knowing the end result. ... I feel sad that the relationship isn't how it was at the moment and I really miss everything about him.yet I know how I'm feeling is nowhere as bad as he feels. I've realised today that he knows I love and support him, (even if he doesn't probably feel it) ... but I don't have that reassurance back from him, and that's hard to think that as it wasn't that way before therapy started.
Tomorrow is a new day tho. So who knows what that will bring.. 😁
Just hang in there, it's all you can do. I've been on the rollercoaster for three years, and he comes and goes when life (and being in a relationship) gets too hard for him.
He still manages to catch me off guard at times. It's like a punch to the stomach. I know what you're feeling.
Nothing is easy about loving someone with PTSD.
Just try to remember that it isn't all about him and what he chooses. I know it might not feel like it, but you have agency too. If you reach the point where it's just too much, you do have the choice to put yourself first and do whatever you need to do to feel better, including leaving him.
All you can do is take one day at a time. Don't put yourself under added pressure to feel OK about it all the time. It sucks! It's painful, and you have every right to feel a bit crap about it x
 
Just hang in there, it's all you can do. I've been on the rollercoaster for three years, and he comes and goes when life (and being in a relationship) gets too hard for him.
He still manages to catch me off guard at times. It's like a punch to the stomach. I know what you're feeling.
Nothing is easy about loving someone with PTSD.
Just try to remember that it isn't all about him and what he chooses. I know it might not feel like it, but you have agency too. If you reach the point where it's just too much, you do have the choice to put yourself first and do whatever you need to do to feel better, including leaving him.
All you can do is take one day at a time. Don't put yourself under added pressure to feel OK about it all the time. It sucks! It's painful, and you have every right to feel a bit crap about it
Thats brought a big lump to my throat.. It's validation for me that it's OK to feel shit about it. I've now read so much, I understand why it's happening, it just is taking my emotions and heart to catch up with my brain.. And yes painful is a good word to use... Thanks so much x
 
Thankyou for responding. I've just read your suggested post.... My partner hasn't (yet) abandoned me, he's just quiet.. I'm giving him the space he needs tho we have touched in with each other today. I think if or when it does fall apart properly I will try and do your suggestions.... , I just feel really sad that he's hurting and can do bugger all about it. It's that waiting game and not knowing the end result. ... I feel sad that the relationship isn't how it was at the moment and I really miss everything about him.yet I know how I'm feeling is nowhere as bad as he feels. I've realised today that he knows I love and support him, (even if he doesn't probably feel it) ... but I don't have that reassurance back from him, and that's hard to think that as it wasn't that way before therapy started.
Tomorrow is a new day tho. So who knows what that will bring.. 😁
That’s so kind of you to read my post. I’m so sorry you are going through this and you are hurting. We are all here for you even though miles away I will be thinking of you and others who are struggling . Yeah tomorrow a new day. Keep strong and look after yourself , remember to eat and sleep and keep well around friends . Big hugs
 

coraxxx

Sponsor
I know what you're feeling, I've been on both sides of this rollercoaster. All I can tell you is that ultimately it is a matter of how well he will deal with the issues, and that no matter how much love you throw at this, if a strong therapeutic and drive for improvement isn't built, nothing else will work out. I do not think we should allow ourselves to suffer in the awaiting of someone else. I used to think that before, but not anymore (but again I'm biased by really bad experiences).

Just watch stuff like ... someone saying "I want to be better" instead of effectively trying to do it so.

As a sufferer I know how easy it is to get stuck in a loop of self-loathing and self-defeat, because somehow no matter how stupid it is the fear and the confusion about how to actually confront it, it obfuscates any of the present issues and it becomes so hard not having the past, the present and the future tripping become that massive hopeless knot or absence of time that just allows itself to reiterate day after day, or at least in cycles.

And as a supporter it is easy to get suck into someone else's cycles and get addicted to the highs and lows, and only to hope for the little breadcrumbs of dear, tender love, that become so magnificent because they become less and less present.

As a sufferer I do not want to cause anyone in my life to feel that way, ever. And if I'm working towards getting better, I'd make sure I can give feedback about how this is going and at the least being open about what is going on, or entirely leave, because that's the least of decency I can have not to let someone hanging in in my own void.

All that said, I wish you two the best. Please do not forget that your life and your feelings too are important and that your hurt isn't any lesser of his. They might be of different natures and you might have the feeling you have more resilience because you don't have PTSD or your issues aren't as massive as his, but suffering is suffering, pain is pain and there is no scale to measure or value this outside of the one of your own life. Your heart is aching for good reasons and is not less valuable than any PTSD heart ache.

Plenty of hugs and good vibes. I hope you'll hear back from him soon
 
That’s so kind of you to read my post. I’m so sorry you are going through this and you are hurting. We are all here for you even though miles away I will be thinking of you and others who are struggling . Yeah tomorrow a new day. Keep strong and look after yourself , remember to eat and sleep and keep well around friends . Big hugs
Thank you.. I'm trying, really I am. Its a double edged sword with him as he also is a veteran too.. He has a massive trigger date in the next couple of days so I'm buckling up and preparing for a few more shitty days. I feel much better than I did earlier., so thankyou x

I know what you're feeling, I've been on both sides of this rollercoaster. All I can tell you is that ultimately it is a matter of how well he will deal with the issues, and that no matter how much love you throw at this, if a strong therapeutic and drive for improvement isn't built, nothing else will work out. I do not think we should allow ourselves to suffer in the awaiting of someone else. I used to think that before, but not anymore (but again I'm biased by really bad experiences).

Just watch stuff like ... someone saying "I want to be better" instead of effectively trying to do it so.

As a sufferer I know how easy it is to get stuck in a loop of self-loathing and self-defeat, because somehow no matter how stupid it is the fear and the confusion about how to actually confront it, it obfuscates any of the present issues and it becomes so hard not having the past, the present and the future tripping become that massive hopeless knot or absence of time that just allows itself to reiterate day after day, or at least in cycles.

And as a supporter it is easy to get suck into someone else's cycles and get addicted to the highs and lows, and only to hope for the little breadcrumbs of dear, tender love, that become so magnificent because they become less and less present.

As a sufferer I do not want to cause anyone in my life to feel that way, ever. And if I'm working towards getting better, I'd make sure I can give feedback about how this is going and at the least being open about what is going on, or entirely leave, because that's the least of decency I can have not to let someone hanging in in my own void.

All that said, I wish you two the best. Please do not forget that your life and your feelings too are important and that your hurt isn't any lesser of his. They might be of different natures and you might have the feeling you have more resilience because you don't have PTSD or your issues aren't as massive as his, but suffering is suffering, pain is pain and there is no scale to measure or value this outside of the one of your own life. Your heart is aching for good reasons and is not less valuable than any PTSD heart ache.

Plenty of hugs and good vibes. I hope you'll hear back from him soon
Omg. Your 5th paragraph is like listening to him speak. It is really early days of therapy and he is going f2f once a week and cbt group therapy once a week also.. He does homework and listening therapy too.. He realllly is trying. I don't ask about it really as that's his safe space and il listen when he wants to talk..i just say things like did it go well. .. But yea.. I spose you are right. Pain is pain... I just don't usually deal with stuff like that.i shut it down.. So learning curves all round.... But I will def take the hugs and good vibes.. Thankyou x
 

coraxxx

Sponsor
Omg. Your 5th paragraph is like listening to him speak. It is really early days of therapy and he is going f2f once a week and cbt group therapy once a week also.. He does homework and listening therapy too.. He realllly is trying. I don't ask about it really as that's his safe space and il listen when he wants to talk..i just say things like did it go well. .. But yea.. I spose you are right. Pain is pain... I just don't usually deal with stuff like that.i shut it down.. So learning curves all round.... But I will def take the hugs and good vibes.. Thankyou x
Aye... I guess there is a reason why we're sufferers 😅 . It's hard sometimes not to recommend to run to the mountains. But if he's doing his job, that's really good already. Group therapy really is what did the best for me, it's good he has access to that. (I hadn't any access to live ones but having online communities sometimes felt like the difference between life and death, and also keep you in check).

Definitely do NOT shut down, keep calm but do not shut down. Even if it's hard, we prefer hearing the hard things rather than not being able to even see them. (At least I do). A partner showing they're unhappy or worried is also a sign of how we're doing, or at the least our opportunity to make a difference in the relationship. If I can't see that my partner is aching because they're holding it to themselves, how can I do anything to improve it? Ex husband (non-ptsd) used to be very much of the "everything is fine" vibe and it actually anguished me so much more once I understood it was a façade and that he wasn't doing well but not telling me.

I can't manage someone's spinning and freaking out very well, but I can manage reassurance and normal support, I think. Like if there is a certain line of direction in what I can practically do for improving things, I can do that and I want to do that.

Also, on the other side, repeatedly shutting down just leads to sink in one's own darkness. It is tempting because in a way... just closing our eyes and holding our breath while the next wave is to come might feel safer and it might just be what we've always been doing, but navigating with full sight still is much better, even when scary.

Good luck to you two 🌻
 
Aye... I guess there is a reason why we're sufferers 😅 . It's hard sometimes not to recommend to run to the mountains. But if he's doing his job, that's really good already. Group therapy really is what did the best for me, it's good he has access to that. (I hadn't any access to live ones but having online communities sometimes felt like the difference between life and death, and also keep you in check).

Definitely do NOT shut down, keep calm but do not shut down. Even if it's hard, we prefer hearing the hard things rather than not being able to even see them. (At least I do). A partner showing they're unhappy or worried is also a sign of how we're doing, or at the least our opportunity to make a difference in the relationship. If I can't see that my partner is aching because they're holding it to themselves, how can I do anything to improve it? Ex husband (non-ptsd) used to be very much of the "everything is fine" vibe and it actually anguished me so much more once I understood it was a façade and that he wasn't doing well but not telling me.

I can't manage someone's spinning and freaking out very well, but I can manage reassurance and normal support, I think. Like if there is a certain line of direction in what I can practically do for improving things, I can do that and I want to do that.

Also, on the other side, repeatedly shutting down just leads to sink in one's own darkness. It is tempting because in a way... just closing our eyes and holding our breath while the next wave is to come might feel safer and it might just be what we've always been doing, but navigating with full sight still is much better, even when scary.

Good luck to you two 🌻
His therapist has told him to stop people pleasing and to concentrate on just himself. (that I do know) he has to be totally selfish and its not about me. (verbatim) so altho I'd say to him that I'm sad, I think it would make the situation worse. I think if we lived together that would be easier, but we don't. He's said he's been told that if he wants to be quiet and not speak, don't, if he wants to just take off for a few days and not have a plan, just do it (personally I think that's stupid but hey..) and that he can't plan in advance as he doesn't know how he's gunna feel that day and doesn't want to poss break plans and mess people about. He takes things literally as healing himself has to take priority... But its never bnw in my book.. It's just a very trying time I spose.x
 
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