I'm stuggling! Is that good or bad relationship? Please, help

Complex Lulu

New Here
Hello, I'm in huge need of advice from people, who deal with similar problems, but are more experienced. Any help would be so greatly appreciated!

I'm facing quite big issue. Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Going to therapy for 2 years so far. I started relationship with my partner over 3 years ago, but it was never a smooth ride. Before I met him I was calm, collected and pretty much dead on the inside. I'm not capable of feeling any kind of feelings towards others....but the second I got with him it felt like something just cracked in my mind and I started acting absolutely insane. One day telling him I love him (even though I'm not sure I know how love feels like) and the next telling him I don't want him to stick around me as I'm not a good person and he needs someone, who'll love him just like he loves them etc. I got very low moods. My panic attacks started pretty much immediately...and only when talking to him.

We come from different countries. We decided to meet in person and the time spend together was absolutely fantastic. Never been happier, felt so calm and safe. Decided to move over. Then problems with his family started. Due to my issues people who want me to "get close" too quickly, freak me out and I need to avoid them and it did not sit well with them for obvious reasons. Long story short a few really tense moments happened between me and one of his family members. That person act just like my mother, who was part of the problem in my development of C-PTSD, so they triggered me like mad. My partner would feel really helpless and in difficult situation. He never came forward to confront his family and simply communicate. Its not their strenght as a family. That person would also snap at him, but he would not react and just took it, as he's terrified of confrontation. That made me feel very upset with him. Made me feel like he's even weaker than I am and i need to take care both of me and him. I didn't feel safe with him anymore. Since then for past over 2 years I'm in constant hiper vigilant state. My anxiety attacks got even worse and more intense. I'm just so tired. I always wanted to get out of the relationship (this one being my very first at the age of 25) and always it seemd like my brain would just scan environment looking for something to break up over with him. I stared my therapy soon after I got with him, to hopefully give us a better chance. I'm doing much better now, but my meltdowns are draining me. Constant "working on myself" is killing me. I developed many different physical pains and aches. Panic attacks are sucking life out of me. Before he gets back home from work my anxiety level goes over the roof and I feel like getting sick! But then when we're both of I love spending time with him. Sex life is a bit of a constant stress, as I'm a victim of sexual abuse from hands of a close family memeber. And a lot of the times I feel I need to please him, even though I don't feel in the mood, because it makes me terrified he'd just lose interest and leave, because it feels like my looks, body as a sexual object is the only thing that is lovable about me... But then sometimes I wish, he would just dump me. I'm just sooo, sooo tired. Soo confused. And now I need to run, hide and move out.

2 days ago i told him I want to split (for like 100th time since we got together). He said he accepts my decision as he understands, why I want to get away and move out, as it would reduce a lot of stress. He said he's sad about me leaving, but told me that he'll support my decision no matter what it is,because he just wants me to be happy.

He's amazingly gentle with me. Patient. Kind. Loving. Understanding. He spoils me rotten. Gives me massages everyday. Tries his best to work on his low self esteem (and done great job so far) and communication skills. He's not perfect, because his poor communication skills caused a lot of troubles, but he sure is amazing.

I felt terrible for past few months and I think it may be my attempt to isolate from everyone, as I have no energy to meet their needs...
Now I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I move out or stay, wait for my madness to calm down? A lot of people said to just act "as-if" everything is ok and just wait for the worse to pass.

How do I tell if I want to split and move out out of fear or i had a "aha" moment, where I realised we're just not the vest match? Please... Any help would be so appreciated.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t know if I can help much, but I’ve been rather on the other end of that problem. I’m a woman, and I also do struggle sexually and get this pleasing aspect and understand how confusing it is about oneself. That deserves therapy and communication, in my opinion.

The questions are to know if you love him and how. Why does he trigger so much anxiety? What exactly goes through your mind to make your heart bump into a panic attack? It’s sometimes in small details of thoughts that we identify the true fears, not in the rationalizations that we make afterwards. Perhaps you’re familiar with Dialectic Behavioural Therapy (DBT), if you aren’t I think it would help you a lot to understand yourself and "comb" your feelings in detail. It’s quite a lot of work but it’s generally generous in useful findings and it provides many tools to avoid going cuckoo at once and act on the last feeling available, especially when they’re looping in contradictions, that is all the love/fear/anger/loss/love/loss/fear/anger/loss kind of thing and understand why it happens.

For the fact he cannot defend himself in his family, this is his problem. It’s unfortunate, but it’s his problem and all you can do about it is to be supportive I guess. But I understand that it sorts of takes the blanket out of you. The truth is that blankets are never there in the first place, and it is difficult to admit.

Now also do you feel blocked in the development of your own sense of self in this relationship? It is tricky to know what one wants. In all honesty DBT is very useful to see what we really want and what we don’t, and provides systems of decision that are quite good. You can easily find textbooks and workbooks on the internet.

I’ve been on both ends of that problem. I had a first relationship with someone much older than myself, and felt protected by the experience he had ahead. In a certain sense, I could access a sense of distance towards what is evolving and what is stalling. But I did have a lot of doubt in that relationship and acted on being quite impossible and enraged. Stress going upwards, starting to be really awful at 5 and generally blowing up round midnight or 1 AM. I needed certainties in uncertainties, and that whirlpool was very difficult to control. It still was much less worse when I had a lot of work to do and could sink in it. When I understood that nothing was going to soothe that relational anxiety, I started writing letters that I never sent. Then sleeping on my own. Then looking for a way to separate that wasn’t coming back in my family and starting all over again. I had 1 year of really funny relationship, 2-3 years of distress and 2 years of separating slowly because our objectives in life and timelines didn’t coincide. That happens. The important thing is to be able to negotiate that space and accept that the other isn’t what we thought they were at first, understanding who they are and understanding who we are, too. Nowadays I’m still friends with that person and I am thankful to have met him in the way because he was able to manage my way of spiraling and was very available to speak openly and without judgement. He also managed to have my family stepping aside and protected our space against my father that is an impossible person.

On the other end, I’ve also been in a relationship with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Whirlpool of insecurities and arguments over nothing, he was stressed on my presence and it really didn’t end well at all because I haven’t the tools to deal with someone who was so much in suffering and the feelings flickering with such intensity. It is very difficult to remain gentle and to see the person you love suffering and punching anything that approaches them. And it is even more difficult when yourself are facing similar issues. I don’t know if you give a similar sensation to your partner. I don’t know if in your particular styles of coping, you end up doing well together because this is an important element. Couples that work well develop mutual soothing and manage conflicts well; seeing the partner appeases instead of stirring.

I don’t know if what I’m writing is of any help. But I understand your situation and how tricky it is. I hope you find the way that helps you to appease and to be able to have more constancy in the joy and have some peace, too. Because the carousel of harsh feelings really is difficult.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Honestly IMHO it is hard for most people to make a decision such as this for other people even when we know deeply and have way more information. I think the fact you are in therapy is good and hope it is helping. Another thing I personally learned while in cptsd therapy was that not making huge decisions as we may be not at the best sound of mind but obviously that does not mean the absence of real threat in the environment; however, your therapist may be able to play around that with you. You have a lot on you plate and it is overwhelming just reading it. I do not have hard and fast advice but I hope by exploring all input, you make the right decision for yourself.
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
The questions are to know if you love him and how. Why does he trigger so much anxiety? What exactly goes through your mind to make your heart bump into a panic attack? It’s sometimes in small details of thoughts that we identify the true fears, not in the rationalizations that we make afterwards
I think only once I actually clearly felt the problem. I'm just scared, because I feel defenceless and exposed at home with him. It feels like he'll make a move insinuating he's interestes in sex at the moment or touching me... We live on our own and there's no one around and it feels like he'll rap* me...which he would never do! He's the most gentle human being alive and multiple times stopped without a word mid being intimate, because I got triggered . That's why it makes no sense! Logically I know he would never do it, but I'm terrified.
Now also do you feel blocked in the development of your own sense of self in this relationship? It is tricky to know what one wants. In all honesty DBT is very useful to see what we really want and what we don’t, and provides systems of decision that are quite good. You can easily find textbooks and workbooks on the internet.
It's really embarrassing to admit, but I never knew, who I am.... I thought I did, but at the same time when I look back the personality I was as 6 year old is complete opposite of who I am now. Through therapy I menaged once or twice slip back into the real me and it's not the person I portray almost my whole life. If anything coming into relationship with him made me realise I don't know the person I am and made me want to work on myself. Also thank you for suggestion! Ill definitely check this out.
. I needed certainties in uncertainties, and that whirlpool was very difficult to control. It still was much less worse when I had a lot of work to do and could sink in it. When I understood that nothing was going to soothe that relational anxiety, I started writing letters that I never sent. Then sleeping on my own. Then looking for a way to separate that wasn’t coming back in my family and starting all over again. I had 1 year of really funny relationship, 2-3 years of distress and 2 years of separating slowly because our objectives in life and timelines didn’t coincide. That happens. The important thing is to be able to negotiate that space and accept that the other isn’t what we thought they were at first, understanding who they are and understanding who we are,
I noticed lately I'm overworking myself and then going back home and workimg more and I know I'm trying to "outrun" something, but I don't think it's directly connected to my partner. It just feels like I'm trying to distract myself, because whatever is underneath I cant deal with at the moment. And I feel like I'm doing the "living seperate" gor most of our relationship, but past 4 month were better than ever before and wd got so much more comfortable with one another and content and then s**t hit the fan again. 😟

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your story with me. I really, really am grateful! 🙏
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
Honestly IMHO it is hard for most people to make a decision such as this for other people even when we know deeply and have way more information. I think the fact you are in therapy is good and hope it is helping. Another thing I personally learned while in cptsd therapy was that not making huge decisions as we may be not at the best sound of mind but obviously that does not mean the absence of real threat in the environment; however, your therapist may be able to play around that with you. You have a lot on you plate and it is overwhelming just reading it. I do not have hard and fast advice but I hope by exploring all input, you make the right decision for yourself.
Thank you so much for your reply! The sentence about not being in the best state of mind to make big decisions is so helpful! I'm not doing good at all past 2 months. For a few days now I feel much younger...like I'm 13-16 (while I'm nearly 29) and definitely feel like I'm not fully here. Even today him going back home gave me a "flash" of picture of him beating me up to death and I got this gut feeling he'll do it today. I know it made no sense logically and I knew he's not going to do any of it,but then in my head it was so obvious I asked him if he'll hurt me today. Of course he thought I'm joking so he chuckled and when he realised I'm serious he reassured he'd never hurt me. I just feel like I'm losing grip on reality, but I don't know what it is. It's a great advice. Thank you!

At the moment due to Covid restrictions in the county I'm in my therapist can only take me in trough zoom call and because I felt like it would make my anxiety levels higher, due to not being able to "see and read" body language of my therapist, she agreed with me it's better to wait till we can have face to face sessions and then I'll definitely ask her to help me out in what you suggested above. Once again - thank you so much! 🙏
 

mshienie

Learning
Hello, I'm in huge need of advice from people, who deal with similar problems, but are more experienced. Any help would be so greatly appreciated!

I'm facing quite big issue. Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Going to therapy for 2 years so far. I started relationship with my partner over 3 years ago, but it was never a smooth ride. Before I met him I was calm, collected and pretty much dead on the inside. I'm not capable of feeling any kind of feelings towards others....but the second I got with him it felt like something just cracked in my mind and I started acting absolutely insane. One day telling him I love him (even though I'm not sure I know how love feels like) and the next telling him I don't want him to stick around me as I'm not a good person and he needs someone, who'll love him just like he loves them etc. I got very low moods. My panic attacks started pretty much immediately...and only when talking to him.

We come from different countries. We decided to meet in person and the time spend together was absolutely fantastic. Never been happier, felt so calm and safe. Decided to move over. Then problems with his family started. Due to my issues people who want me to "get close" too quickly, freak me out and I need to avoid them and it did not sit well with them for obvious reasons. Long story short a few really tense moments happened between me and one of his family members. That person act just like my mother, who was part of the problem in my development of C-PTSD, so they triggered me like mad. My partner would feel really helpless and in difficult situation. He never came forward to confront his family and simply communicate. Its not their strenght as a family. That person would also snap at him, but he would not react and just took it, as he's terrified of confrontation. That made me feel very upset with him. Made me feel like he's even weaker than I am and i need to take care both of me and him. I didn't feel safe with him anymore. Since then for past over 2 years I'm in constant hiper vigilant state. My anxiety attacks got even worse and more intense. I'm just so tired. I always wanted to get out of the relationship (this one being my very first at the age of 25) and always it seemd like my brain would just scan environment looking for something to break up over with him. I stared my therapy soon after I got with him, to hopefully give us a better chance. I'm doing much better now, but my meltdowns are draining me. Constant "working on myself" is killing me. I developed many different physical pains and aches. Panic attacks are sucking life out of me. Before he gets back home from work my anxiety level goes over the roof and I feel like getting sick! But then when we're both of I love spending time with him. Sex life is a bit of a constant stress, as I'm a victim of sexual abuse from hands of a close family memeber. And a lot of the times I feel I need to please him, even though I don't feel in the mood, because it makes me terrified he'd just lose interest and leave, because it feels like my looks, body as a sexual object is the only thing that is lovable about me... But then sometimes I wish, he would just dump me. I'm just sooo, sooo tired. Soo confused. And now I need to run, hide and move out.

2 days ago i told him I want to split (for like 100th time since we got together). He said he accepts my decision as he understands, why I want to get away and move out, as it would reduce a lot of stress. He said he's sad about me leaving, but told me that he'll support my decision no matter what it is,because he just wants me to be happy.

He's amazingly gentle with me. Patient. Kind. Loving. Understanding. He spoils me rotten. Gives me massages everyday. Tries his best to work on his low self esteem (and done great job so far) and communication skills. He's not perfect, because his poor communication skills caused a lot of troubles, but he sure is amazing.

I felt terrible for past few months and I think it may be my attempt to isolate from everyone, as I have no energy to meet their needs...
Now I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I move out or stay, wait for my madness to calm down? A lot of people said to just act "as-if" everything is ok and just wait for the worse to pass.

How do I tell if I want to split and move out out of fear or i had a "aha" moment, where I realised we're just not the vest match? Please... Any help would be so appreciated.
Anytime you are bringing someone into a relationship especially family there will be triggers of emotion there. There have to be set boundaries of what you are looking for in your relationship. I would say definitely do some reading on how to set healthy boundaries therapy can be helpful. Support groups even healthier to know someone that you can relate to, You must figure out for yourself what makes him amazing to you. Write down what type of goals you are wanting to achieve in this relationship. Of course, I would say also clearly speak to him on how you feel, Don't anticipate how he will react to you, and never be scare about how he will react to it! I believe that is the biggest thing that breaks relationships. We all have our problems, and accepting that is half the battle.
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
I'm really having the exact same issues. I've been sexually abused by my father until the age of 12. I'm now 23 years old and living together with my boyfriend. My ptsd symptoms got severe since I'm together with my bf. My therapists say it's because it's the first time I'm safe and my brain has enough safety to expose the ptsd. But I'm also tired. I'm also looking for reasons to break up, love him and want to leave him at the same time, also want to please him even when not in the mood so he won't go to someone else.
Every single thing you described, it's like you're describing me.

The only thing I know is that my therapist told me from the beginning of therapy, that every decision I make should be discussed with the therapist. It all comes down to 'don't make permanent decisions on temporary feellings', the way we feel is temporary. I can't give you very much advise actually since I've been having the same issues. But thank you so much for posting this, I feel so much more understood. I hope you're okay, please do contact me if you want to:)
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
I'm really having the exact same issues. I've been sexually abused by my father until the age of 12. I'm now 23 years old and living together with my boyfriend. My ptsd symptoms got severe since I'm together with my bf. My therapists say it's because it's the first time I'm safe and my brain has enough safety to expose the ptsd. But I'm also tired. I'm also looking for reasons to break up, love him and want to leave him at the same time, also want to please him even when not in the mood so he won't go to someone else.
Every single thing you described, it's like you're describing me.

The only thing I know is that my therapist told me from the beginning of therapy, that every decision I make should be discussed with the therapist. It all comes down to 'don't make permanent decisions on temporary feellings', the way we feel is temporary. I can't give you very much advise actually since I've been having the same issues. But thank you so much for posting this, I feel so much more understood. I hope you're okay, please do contact me if you want to:)
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear what you went trough and are going through. 😢 Also I'm sooo insanely grateful you decided to post! It made me fell so much better knowing I'm not acting completely irrationaly (it's rational in its irrational way). My therapist is usually just telling me "your gut is not always to be trusted when you have history of trauma" whenever I'm trying to ask and dig for the answer on my relationship issues. She said "it's not my decision to make if you should stay or go". And I get that but I'm so lost and confused about everything and I just need someone to guide me just a tat bit and explain... Not necessarily make a decision. 😞
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear what you went trough and are going through. 😢 Also I'm sooo insanely grateful you decided to post! It made me fell so much better knowing I'm not acting completely irrationaly (it's rational in its irrational way). My therapist is usually just telling me "your gut is not always to be trusted when you have history of trauma" whenever I'm trying to ask and dig for the answer on my relationship issues. She said "it's not my decision to make if you should stay or go". And I get that but I'm so lost and confused about everything and I just need someone to guide me just a tat bit and explain... Not necessarily make a decision. 😞
Yes I'm going trough the exact same stuff as we're speaking. Are you online right now? Maybe want to talk in the chat?
 

Friday

Moderator
I'm not online too often to be honest, as I'm working loads, but would love to talk to you in the chat. Not sure where is the chat option in here?
The Live Chat was disabled awhile back (for many reasons), but there is a thread that serves much the same purpose found pinned to the top of the social forum here >>> Chat, check-in, and hang out
 
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