I'm tired and dying internally



I came back one day and elapsed into a threatening train of thought bout death and how it could be beneficial, it was right after my training and I felt tired and felt miserable. Sometimes I would bang my head on the table but anyways after I elapsed I started to question life and why is it so goddam hard. One day couple of weeks after, I lay down on my bed, feeling dead and just opened my phone and watched anime (it was a really bad day for me), when I woke up my mum was screaming at me as I sighed in misery and stood up in my knotted stomach, so many times in my life, I felt like death was the only way but every time religion is what stopped me. I thank religion for stopping my bad choices and thank my friends for always being their.


I feel you pain and like I want to share something with you. One day I run into an old school mate at the grocery store. I hadn't seen him in 15 years or so. And I asked how are you and he said " I can't complain". He asked me the same and even though I had loads of shit on my mind that I wanted complain about I was inspired by his answer and replied " I can't complain either it's a great thing to be alive". To be totally honest being alive itself can not be complained about ( although there may be some extreme circumstances that merit it). When I start to think life is just too much I remember that I am alive and this is special to be alive and I can't complain about being alive but I can complain about things in life that suck and at least try solving the problem's.