I'm Wondering If It Is Finally Just Time I Let Go...

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HFA_Cat

Learning
as there's truly nothing left for me here, when everyone I care about has either boogied or is on the other side already.

10 years ago I had a fun life - two loving, funny parents who were so very close to me, and a bunch of really good friends who'd drop in whenever they felt like it. I knew I'd lose my parents one day: gonna happen to all of us. I dreaded it, mind you, with every fiber of my being. But I'd always have my best friends! All of whom are my age, and whilst we ain't young, we ain't doddering yet either.

Uh. Then you drop 8 years of abuse into the mix: the unexpected. My parents passed 9 and 7 years ago respectively. At my mom's wake, one of my best friends brought a date: she and I became great friends. She moved in to get back on her feet when my dad then passed - seemed a brilliant notion.

Uh. Things happened, she sorta went a bit berserk. Letters of protection. Detectives. Ugliness. I finally get rid of her - and surprise! PTSD. How fun: I only thought Nam vets got it. (Yes, really.) And me who dated so many! So many trips to groups with them! So many flashbacks I rode through - and now? Me having them.

Me terrified 24/7 that that idiot was gonna break in here. (She did: multiple times - learned of the PTSD, learned how terrified I was - and hey. It is fun, scaring me like that - I'm sort of the type that is known to never be scared.)

Thing is, when all was said and done - it turned out (I THINK) that more was said and done than I'd imagined - she managed to get rid of all of my local friends, including my best friends. Note: "All", not "Some". "ALL."

For more than 2 years, been fighting the PTSD. In and out of therapy: tried EMDR, but at first my T said "No, we can't do it yet as it tamps down your fight or flight and you need it as you're still in danger." (True.) Well, finally we started the dang EMDR - and it was amazing. It worked so well that after 4 sessions I was cured. I felt great. No more stress - no nightmares, no panic, no flashbacks! No more suicidal thoughts. By golly that EMDR was amazing!

Uh. 8 months later - like Schwarzenegger, "I'm boooock". And it was. My T said something about "Anniversary" something: all I knew was that yes, it was back full force. And now? That happened in June of "15 - it's not let up since. I tried to go back for EMDR - my EMDR T said "This time you won't vanish for a year, right?" I said "Of course not." But my sleep got so hosed - can't sleep at all, so sleep when I can. Can't leave the dang house anyway, not without a supremely good reason.

Truly the sleep did in the therapy - I kept making plans to go, then either sleeping or feeling so godawful couldn't go.

Just as I sort of got the sleep thing under control the holidays hit - and that's hell for me in good times as I miss my parents so badly. NOT to mention my best friends - or any friends at all here locally.

I own a very large online community - got a ton of buds online. Truly not a soul here locally, or rather not one who is close to me in any way. So, imagine the PTSD fun, and 3 cats (yay them!) and - the 4 walls. Or people I pay to come clean/run errands. Sounds pathetic, I know -but I watch those family commercials around the Xmas tree and CRICKEY! One more and break out the blades, IYKWIM!

For me, the main thing is NOT the solitude per se - I enjoy my own company. My main thing is utter bewilderment at having lost so many friends, including 3 or 4 I figured we'll all be in our rocking chairs smoking cigs! My abuser did/said something, dunno - but they are GONE. I did reach out once she was gone - I said I was really sick, she was gone, I had been diagnosed with this PTSD crap and more than anything I needed a friend. Could they possibly come hang out?

No reply.

I know that's long and rambling, sorry for that. My friends online get bored when I speak of this - I've been told none too delicately to "Stop moaning!" Ya know - all you really want to do is die, you reach out to folks and that's what you get? It can't be just me that experiences that, can it? Not that any of us, I'm positive, EVER "moan" that much. Hell I hate talking about what happened to me: triggers me into monster panting panic attacks every bloody time! But yes when a good friend asks how are you, I sorta lack a filter - they're liable to get "Oh jolly. Another 20 happy Christmas family/Thanksgiving commercials, plus YOU just complained about all the work you have to do in order to feed 14 people - me? I'm looking forward to a bag of chips. Oh, "4 bedroom walls! 3 Siamese cats! 2 bags of chips... and a fresh clump in their litter box!" (Sung to 12 days of Christmas.)

I think what nailed me this year was when I suddenly realized that the ONLY faces I see at my house now - are faces I bloody well pay to be here!!! That is utterly impossible, to my way of thinking. You know you'll lose parents, but where is it written that all your friends boogie at the same time thanks to a deranged nut you were kind enough to take in?

My online buds keep saying, "E, you need to try to contact those folks." I say I did, and they insist I try again. Way I figure it, those folks know my situation - and if they haven't responded, they MIGHT not be the kind of people I need in my life.

SO. All of that crap to say that once again I want out, but this time I truly see no redeeming factors. I am not big on EMDR - that T made me feel guilty for not going. Might just be me or my perception, but that's not a good thing. I do have a main psychotherapist I do trust. I just somehow can't see the use.

My best bud (bless her) lives in Nolo - and she will take the only things I'm really worried about. The lil fellas! (On reflection, I worry about her too.)

I keep hearing that with PTSD you get by because your family supports you - and/or your friends.

Am I the only suckah ain't got either one? (DO have them - just unable to travel for the most part.) To boot, most of my online friends -- including those I consider 'besties" -- don't 'get' PTSD on ANY level! One screamed at me dang near daily to "get off my arse and get out of the house." I bought a clue off Vanna (AND this forum) and sent him a link explaining PTSD - now he only does it every couple of days instead of daily. (Love him to death! Means well.)

Now I'm afraid I'm boring you good folks to tears as well. <sigh> didn't mean to - I'm always on the other side of this sort of thing. Always the bitchee - never the bitcher, so to speak. So I never learned to properly bitch? Oh lord I best quit whilst I'm ahead.

My main thing: I feel like I'd rather not be here, the people I love and trust most have crossed already. I do NOT want to be here. It hurts badly both physically =and= mentally: I'd give damn near anything for it to stop.

Stop the world - I want to get off.

Any words or advice would be greatly appreciated: it's been almost 3 years now, this dang PTSD and I'm still bewildered. Thanks for reading.
 

Jemini

Policy Enforcement
Welcome back. I relate to just about everything you just wrote. Except I no longer have the cats. My only advice would be that there's a lot of knowledge, wisdom, and insight on this site. And also, don't give up. Stopping the world, yeah. There are alternatives though to exiting it.
 

Casey_03

MyPTSD Pro
You hit upon one of the worst side effects of being attacked/victimized -- the fact that friends literally just disappear. It was the same with me when an ex-boyfriend started stalking me and got violent. Even though I was the victim, my closest friends seemed to blame me and think that I had brought it on myself somehow. I know how that is. I have no real explanation or any words about that to make it easier, but in the rest of your post I see a way of thinking that I went through after my own stalking/crazy person incident. You complain about not having friends but at the same time state pretty clearly that you are in reclusive mode, paying people to run your errands for you, etc. is that right? you're clearly not going to make friends by staying indoors and complaining about the lack of them. it seems like you are focused on your old friends, the ones who bailed, but screw them. they left at the first sign of trouble. find new ones who you can actually relate to. i know how hard it is, believe me, it has taken me about a decade to even start being open to friendships again. but it's counterproductive and useless to sit around getting bitter about your old friends and complain about the monotony of your current life if you're the one who has sentenced yourself to this. yes, ptsd plays a factor, but ultimately that should never be an excuse. in fact, that's exactly how you'll drive people away down the line, by obsessing over the ptsd and your lost friends and how unfair it all is. It's crap and it is unfair, but if you can't get past that then you should get used to the four walls and nothing else. BUT you wouldn't have posted this if you didn't want to have friends; you obviously want to find people to relate to and to spend time with .... so take baby steps to do that. and don't focus so much on people you've lost, you'll get stuck in that mindset and it'll set you back again and again. i don't say any of this to be harsh so i hope it doesn't sound mean, i've just been in this same situation and am trying to discourage you from making the same mistakes i did.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
and if they haven't responded, they MIGHT not be the kind of people I need in my life.
That's one possibility. I'd guess there are a lot of possibilities. Maybe you should check in and see how some of those Vietnam era vets you used to know are doing.

One of my favorite people died from ALS. Because he had time to plan, he wrote some stuff that he had read at his funeral. Something that stuck with me was that he didn't want us to spend a lot of time feeling bad because he was dead. He'd had a horrible, incurable disease and had escaped the only way he could. He wanted us all to go out and LIVE. To appreciate what we could each and everyday, to cherish each other, and to do all of that a little bit for him. A message I took to heart. Yes, he's dead. So are a lot of other very special people who've passed through my life. That doesn't mean that every special person who's ever walked the planet, or ever will. is dead. You have life ahead of you too, you "just" have to choose to actually live it to the best of your ability.

It's all about choices. Some days, I kind of wish I had some idea what it would have been like to have had a childhood that left me feeling as connected to my parents as you seem to feel to yours. But I didn't. When they died, I basically felt nothing at all. Maybe that's a good thing. (My T suggests that it's not.) But it is what it is. I can sit here and wallow in how awful things were, or not. I'd rather "not". I'd rather find things to be interested in and curious about. There are plenty.

I think there are a few popular books out there on "gratitude". Something that seems to have an interesting effect is to find a few things, every day, to feel grateful for. Worst day ever? I'm thankful that it's not even worse than it is. Every night, when I go to bed, I stop and think how nice it is to be sleeping in an actual bed, in an actual house, not in the front seat of my truck in some parking lot. When I was actually sleeping in the truck? Every night I was thankful I had a truck to sleep in so I wasn't actually "homeless". (I didn't find out that the official definition includes living in your vehicle until much later.) Maybe this sounds stupid, but it actually seems to have an effect.

I'm not exactly saying you have no right to feel sorry for yourself. You do, certainly. In my experience, feeling sorry for yourself isn't very productive. Personally, I try to limit it to no more than a couple of hours per incident. Then it's better to get on with problem solving. You can get trapped in self pity and never get out. Doesn't seem like a fun place to live. But nobody hands "getting better" to you on a silver platter either. You have to work at it and it's hard work. Is that fair? Of course not! But who said anything was going to be fair?
I keep hearing that with PTSD you get by because your family supports you - and/or your friends.
Not in my version of reality. In my version of reality you get by because you decide that failure is not an option. Chances are the cavalry is NOT coming over the hill, at least not with the intent to help you. Family is a matter of luck. Friends you pick up along the way, but none of them are responsible for living your life, only YOU can do that. And it was just as true before you had the trauma as it is now.

Probably not what you wanted to hear. Feel free to argue. (I'm often wrong! :confused:)
 

HFA_Cat

Learning
Scout you're absolutely right. I've come to that already - that nobody is charging over yon hill! My T kept on me about "expectations" and he's right - as usual. It's just that these friends were around for 24 years, 30 years the other. The mind boggles that friends like that left - for whatever reason! Honestly I have no clue why they bailed. Just that I literally sort of begged - she's gone, I'm sick, please come type of thing. And they didn't - you right! Nothing coming over that particular hill except possibly the garbage dude LOL (I live on a big hill - the garbage dude DOES come over it!)

I will say one thing - I can't leave the dang house. I have PTSD and the thing where you can't leave the house - ergo paying folks to get catfood & cigs.
 

kona355

Confident
Scout you're absolutely right. I've come to that already - that nobody is charging over yon hill! My T k...
Those 'friends' who left had their loyalty-flaw uncovered by what you were going through. This is a common trait with many people, a lack of true loyalty, and there's nothing described in your posts above that would justify them leaving.

If you continue trying to understand why they left as it concerns your value and worth as a person, you will, as you described, boggle your mind. To continue doing this will only weaken you and your resolve to survive this and reclaim your life more to your liking. If you choose it. And that choice will fly in the face of your feelings.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
It felt like a betrayal when my friends left. No friends and not going out to get cat food don't look like one in the same thing though. Why can't you go out? Is it the stalking thing? Been there, done that too. Just wondering...
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I can't leave the dang house.
That's a pretty real problem all on its own. Does your T know this? Because there HAS to be a way to work with it. My T has actually told me a few stories about making house calls in similar situations and talking to people from the other side of the bathroom door. I've never experienced agoraphobia. In fact, it would freak me out if you told me I HAD to stay in the house, but it sounds like it can be really debilitating. It can also be dealt with, but the first step is to seek help. It's hard to do on your own.
 
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