In Apathy Mode

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I've been struggling, badly, for a few weeks. Depressive spirals (caused by negative self defeating thought patterns), relapsed into self harm, relapsed into my eating disorder both binging and restriction, having panic attacks again, and suicidal thoughts daily (and even looking up methods, although I don't have a plan, so don't be to worried). I can sometimes get myself a bit better, which is progress, but then another wave comes. I'm moving somewhere that may not be safe for me bc of my identity, leaving my childhood home, but I have a game plan and a place I want to live when I graduate, so I am (or was excited).

I no longer feel excited or joy or most emotions. I just feel a general apathy towards everything. Nothing matters. I try to feel something towards my art and hobbies or towards people and I just....can't, unless it's me projecting my insecurities onto people about how I'm not good enough. I feel scared, so I guess that's an emotion. I know I'm back in survival mode. I can sort of observe it from above, and I'm taking the advice of a member on here to navigate to the bright spots I had before feeling this way: what I was trying to accomplish before. I have goals, but I sort of feel numb about them, maybe a vague excitement, but mostly I'm just terrified to the point of numbness at all times.

I had therapy with a trauma therapist yesterday and I just...didn't talk to her. I just sort of stared at her across the inter web pixels and hoped she'd leave me alone. My therapist of 3 years died suddenly about a month and a half ago. I don't really care for this new one. She sounds like she's judging me all the time. I don't know if it's just her tone of voice but it's like everything I tell her she doesn't validate that my feelings are valid, she just explains them away and doesn't let me feel safe to talk to her. I think I may cancel our next sessions.

I have another therapist for a specific issue that I absolutely love, but I'm trying to just focus on the particular issue bc she's expensive and I was only going to do a few sessions (but now I want to do more because she GETS me, makes me feel safe and welcome and understands my issues). I think I'll keep going to her.

I just want to feel some emotions again. I have no way of telling myself I'm safe, when I'm not. We're in a global pandemic, my country's leader and courts have made discrimination against me legal, and I have to somehow get through school and moving to the epicenter of the pandemic. I've missed so much of my life operating from this trauma point of apathy and I was finally at a point that I was actually getting enjoyment out of life and now I literally wish I was dead/couldn't care less if I died. I just want to fall asleep for 5 years and wake up in a different life.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
A lot of what you are saying here sounds familiar to my early years in therapy. I had one therapist that I dumped because of her judgemental attitude, and I am glad I did. I have had several that dumped me because I wasn't making progress in their eyes. Well, whose fault was that? I doubt it was mine. So, yes, choose the therapist that helps you and GETS you the best. Don't look back.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry you're struggling so very much. That is a lot to deal with, I hear you on that.

I hope you will feel able to tell some or all of this to your hood T, maybe email it or bring a copy?

Am sorry the other T is not a good fit, maybe it's not worth seeing them if you don't click.

Wellest of wishes. :hug:

Eta just to say I am struggling with some similar issues, it's really hard.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
@Strangelongtrip It is exciting that you are moving forward.....and can be super scary, too. But remember you are doing a brave thing.....going to school, making positive changes!

Moving is scary.....but it can be wonderful.....and a positive and maybe welcome change. Support is important.....for success. So, find a T that works for you and gets you, whose affordable. Try to set your situation up for success. Good luck!
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I hope you will feel able to tell some or all of this to your hood T, maybe email it or bring a copy?

Am sorry the other T is not a good fit, maybe it's not worth seeing them if you don't click.

I think I may email her, I have to email her about something else too! I actually feel way way better today because I went out and did things and had a friend (who has also been very safe with quarantining and all) come visit today. I also had some really, really good exciting news happen so I'm starting to break through the numbness and refocus again.

I'm thinking I'll just let the one I don't click with know I don't know if we should work together anymore. It's just awkward and not working. I'm not sure if I should call or what, I'll decide this weekend!

@Teasel I'm sorry you're going through similar things. I hope it can get better soon!

I think one thing I'm going to do is set little fun pandemic-safe things to do. Even if it's going to a new place and walking around for 15 minutes. I'm inside, jobless, and have nothing to occupy my time. I'm also going to make a list of goals I have and how to achieve them!

Thank you @TruthSeeker !! I appreciate it!!
 
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