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In limbo about going back to work

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On a good dat I feel like I can do any job.

On a bad day especially after a horrible night of reliving stuff from my past, I feel like f*ckit I'll just be on dissability untill I die.

I am 40 years old and today I am in a what does it matter if I go work or not. As long as I have a roof over my head, all the bills and debts are getting pain, clothes and a stocked fridge... enough for me at the moment.

On the other hand, I really want to ever what I am capable of when I am steady and stable enough. It seems that I owe that to myself after all the abuse and violence.
Yeah - similar. And I've just started a role that includes things like a desk, and a phone, and...

Do I really want to go back to that? I don't want the money.

If it all goes arse up in a few months time (good chance it will), I was at least doing something meaningful with my time while I could. Do what I can today, let tomorrow worry about itself.

I can always quit - that option doesn't ever go away. The opportunity to do something meaningful, while I have the capacity to, though - that's hard to come by.

The shortest version of multiple edits of this post: why would I bother? Because it might be worth it.
On a good dat I feel like I can do any job.

On a bad day especially after a horrible night of reliving stuff from my past

personally, i found this to be as true during my retired years as it was during my working years. possibly even more so since the far more flexible schedule enabled me to wallow in those memories uninterrupted.

it wasn't my idea when i was called out of retirement for a second parenting career 3.5 years ago --the cosmos forgot to ask my opinion AGAIN-- but i count less time to relive the horrors of my past is one of the good things about that particular development. chasing after 3 kids --ages 9, 7 and 4-- doesn't leave me much time or energy for reliving the horrors of my past.

still. . . most days i miss retirement and being a stereotypical grandma as much as i miss the son i inherited 3 orphans from.
The big thing to consider is - work adds another layer of stress. So if you add more stress how will you function on a normal day?

That's where thinking of work ends for me. Even sweeping floors, by the time I found the broom I would forget what to sweep and by the time I found what I was supposed to sweep I would loose the broom.......
But d**n, what did you do to the cosmos, that's a tall order you're managing,
yeah, when i was first introduced to the "karma" theories, i wondered if i was in the hitler league in my past life. it do feel like i've been doing some heavy duty karmic payback. are we even yet?

as i learned how to wrap my personal preferences in a ribbon of humility --what i want is seldom what i need-- i have found myself adopting the philosophy that the cosmos really don't ever give me more than i can handle. however much i stagger, i keep getting through the proverbial quagmires. those tall orders are votes of confidence far more than punishment. however, i reserve the right to pray that the cosmos have a little less confidence in me next week. just praying. . . thy will be done.
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