in search of awareness and understanding - What practices or methodologies have you utilized and are useful?

JSustaining

New Here
Hello.

I am new to this site.

I am in my early sixties. From birth, per what I have been told by older siblings, through thirteen years of age, I experienced significant neglect, abuse, trauma, as well as divorce of those who were supposed to be parents. Negative energies continued from those who could have been parents for many years. I was also restricted from interacting with peripheral family, resulting in social interaction issues.

I was taught that I am inadequate, useless, worthless with no value. Thus the configuration of this being (CNS) is such that I am taxed, encumbered, impeded, distorted, and imbalanced, every day.

Emotions are completely suppressed and hidden, as I am unable to connect with any one, any thing, or any activity, such as a hobby.

'Tis a major task to maintain, suppress, as well as attempt to learn. When alone, tears have flowed, as I acknowledge that this entire human experience, the inability to experience any level of personal success or security, and all of the distorted actions and the impact that they have had upon others, is a result of the CNS configuration of this being. I utilize this terminology as I sense there is segment of this being that is awareness (I), that has little if any influence upon the actions of this being. Perhaps there are those that can relate.

I have pursued many practices, counseling, therapy, medications during a period of many years.
I became aware of cPTSD unassisted by the medical community approximately four years ago.

Perhaps this introduction can start a dialogue, allowing I to become aware of what practices or methodologies have been utilized and are useful and helpful in coping to address an individual being without purpose, without peace, without balance, without confidence, without self acceptance, every day.


I thank you for the opportunity.

JSustaining
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the site. In my personal experience, EMDR has been the most beneficial treatment modality in putting old trauma’s to rest. I hope you find peace and healing on your journey.
 

Sideways

Moderator
without purpose, without peace, without balance, without confidence, without self acceptance, every day.
What would "having purpose" look like to you?
What would having peace and balance look like for you?
What does confidence and self acceptance look like to you?

Not in a generic sense. In a real, tangible sense. What does the 'self confident' version of you look like? What clothes do they wear? How do they speak? What are they doing?

I found art therapy to be really helpful starting points to help me figure out what I wanted my life to look like. Sometimes words fail terribly, but I can draw (badly, but that's not important at all) and I can flick through magazines and create collages and they were really helpful to get me unstuck.
 

JSustaining

New Here
Hello.

I thank you for the welcome Renly.

Sideways, I thank you for the response, and providing opportunity to answer the questions that you posed.

I intend that my responses are of a manner that is useful and understandable.

The "look" of purpose, peace, balance, confidence, and self acceptance is frequently demonstrated, and visible to be seen, by those who connect with those energies.

It is demonstrated by individuals going forward in their human experience without impedance, factoring and building upon previous experiences resulting in personal growth, sharing connections with family members, friends, or new acquaintances, pursuing new activities and continuing to learn, demonstrating their ability to successfully complete assigned responsibilities of a vocation, experiencing a sense of adequacy, regardless of what outcome may occur. There is an understanding that even unattractive results can be addressed.

I suggest that a self confident person demonstrates an easy gait, a genuine smile.
The clothes that they wear are what they are comfortable wearing. Their speech is an expression of their environment, their experience, their culture, that they comfortably express. They do what they enjoy doing based upon what they have learned about themselves, and share experiences with others in their realm. They have the resources available to them, including friends, family, personal security to do what fulfills them, and perhaps help others.

At this point, I offer that I suspect that they experience feelings of comfort, adequacy, connection, appreciation without verbalization; no boasting required; 'tis a part of who and what they are.

I offer that I suspect because I am unable to connect with feelings of comfort, adequacy, connection, appreciation.
The emotional aspect is suppressed. The configuration of the CNS results in inadequacy, unworthiness, uselessness; there is no freedom from it while awake.

So, what I am compelled to do is conjure the energy, a tall task, to mimic those who are not impeded or encumbered. Energetically, I do not fit or belong. However, to participate in society, I attempt to mimic, go forward, coping with the ever present stress, tension, pressure resulting from what I suspect is continual secretion of cortisol. I go forward when there is a CNS reaction to listening to someone speak of themselves openly and freely about their travels, their accomplishments, their family; not boasting. These are experiences that this being was unable to experience because opportunity to do so was eliminated.

I have attempting many extracurricular activities as well as many practices in an attempt to change the configuration of the CNS. The configuration remains.

I thank you for reading what I have offered, as well as the opportunity to be open and perhaps express the flavour of my perspective, and what is the cause of it.

I shall appreciate any and all response as I continue to be in a state of need.


JSustaining
 

Sideways

Moderator
sharing connections with family members, friends, or new acquaintances
Do you catch up with friends and family as often as you'd like? Can you schedule more of that?
pursuing new activities and continuing to learn,
What new activities would you like to do?
They do what they enjoy doing
Can you think of examples of activities that you enjoy? Or have enjoyed in the past? Or might enjoy if you tried them?

Do you want to do those things more?
So, what I am compelled to do is conjure the energy, a tall task, to mimic those who are not impeded or encumbered
There's a lot to be said for "fake it till you make it". There's a lot more than just a malfunctioning CNS with ptsd, and activation therapy (getting out there and doing) can be immensely helpful with rewiring our dysfunctional brains!
 

Roland

Confident
One of the biggest things that I've done is became painfully aware of myself, what I falsely believe because of trauma, how I react, and consciously choosing the opposite. This is how I stopped self harming, how I stopped entertaining suicidal ideas, how I stopped negative spirals before they even became self harm, how I was able to prevent flashbacks by recognizing my initial discomfort and triggers. I still have a longgggggggg way to go, but it's a long process of becoming aware and changing things. I used journaling, prolonged exposure therapy, and art to express things that happened to me and how I felt until it didn't really bother me anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten nowhere, sometimes I feel like I've come so far, but the journey doesn't end.
 

JSustaining

New Here
Hello Roland.

I have invested a significant amount of energy during the past twenty two years into becoming aware of what I am able to regarding this being; this human experience.
Actions, reactions, statements, errors, destruction, inabilities occur because of the configuration of the CNS. I do not have the liberty of selection of action or reaction.
I have attempted to reset many times ("that is the last time that shall occur").

I have been, and continue to be, a caregiver of a human being that received no guidance or modeling of the process, methodology, feelings, or emotions to be a self accepting, acclimated being. All of the actions, reactions, statement, errors, destruction, and inabilities are imprinted into the CNS, and are presented when a certain stimulus is encountered, causing imbalance, distortion, encumbrance, impedance. 'Tis quite unattractive to address, which is in addition to the encumbrance of the CNS being under threat every moment awake.

Awareness is useful, allowing the establishment of cause as well as the impact of the cause, and the opportunity for understanding to attempt to go forward.

My journey continues as well.

Best to you.

JSustaining
 
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