In the impact zone

Dolce

Learning
I am struggling to keep my head above water here in snowy central Pa. I hve shared parts of my very difficult story of no family and blame for my own abuse. I was kicked out of my family.
I am in my 40s and living on my own paying my bills but struggling to stay on Medicaid which keeps me in a disabled like and dependent state. Before my Mom had cut me off she did offer me money. This was her way of showing "love" and she said sadly one time in my apt the only way she knew how. She stalked me on Valentines day in a grocery store parking lot despite the fact she put a PFA on me 1 1/2 years ago. I think she was trying to escalate things to make me break it 100 percent to make me fit her version her false version of things. As much as I was triggered and even might be tempted to have a relationship with my narcissistic abusive mother I ignored her. I have been bullied by the medical community here for speaking up about my care to the hilt. I don't know how to go into all of that. I was literally slandered.... accused of recording at the drs something I didn't do but said one time do I need to? Big difference between asking that and having differences than to doing it which they said is a crime without consent and to which I'm well aware Pa is a 2 party consent state. Endless drama and one up manship in my life. Ppl are threatened by me in that I speak up and that's really the root of it in my family and other places here in central Pa. ???? I am not perfect but I am a good person a peace-loving law-abiding person who is yes at times outspoken. That was to my prior knowledge allowed in the US without being threatened everywhere. Freedom of speech is a basic right for men women and folks of all ages/gender identities/ ethnicities/regardless of disability etc.
I was harassed at an auction this weekend by a nutcase who threatened me for asking two questions before the bidding commenced. He sues police around here. I could say his name but won't. He actually did turn a camera on me or so he said. I have ppl literally out to get me, and not in my mind but really out to get me...and ppl who are supposed to be good and kind....and I wonder sometimes what the point of my life is when all that happens is I keep getting pummeled by it and bullies. I don't enjoy my life or the weather here I have no family here and in fact I have to worry about legal issues should I run into them or try to talk to them??? It's messed up b/c I was the victim. Ppl might say that but in my case it was true and certain entities saw that but things came out wrong in the end and systems are imperfect...very imperfect around here. I wonder why teachers didn't help me in the 80s 90s when I reported severe abuse. They were mandated to. I didn't know there was such thing as Child and Youth services or I would have myself. I was failed and this is the town where Jerry Sandusky abused/raped young men for many years and the victims were even sometimes vilified....disgusting! Also his wife protected him. My Mom did the same with my Stepdad in the past and 1 1/2 years ago.
Again gross. Wrong. But things went in her favor. I have intense trauma ptsd I am guessing for life b/c of this. I want to heal as much as I can. I am bullied alot. I am judged how I deal with my trauma. Ppl should not judge how others deal with extreme trauma without any support system. This is my situation..other than counselors, which I go to. I try hard I work hard (despite not working). I do not collect food stamps. I want to work. I got had rough breaks through helth physical mental and other abuse medical abuse even and endless stressors. I think and or know ppl in my hometown see a woman alone near 50 struggling without close friends or family and assume there must be something wrong with me and or well treat me like an easy target...and that's exactly how I have been treated despite even earning labels I didn't deserve. Im a woman who speaks up for herself but whom has no one in her corner. It's sad.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
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Hello..glad you wrote it all out. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I oddly can relate with it so much.

Can't really explain how.
I'm sorry also to hear about your mother situation.

Someone I know has a similar mother situation and it is gut shredding. My mother cried about this person's mother and what the mother did to the person I know.

Anyways.

I hope you feel better soon.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible. I understand about the medical care, I'm going through stuff right now with my medical care. I'm so upset by it I'm shocked when I see a nice provider! I also get the mom who shows love with money. I hope you can find some help and solace here.
 

Dolce

Learning
Thank you for the reply. It was shocking to me what I encountered which was so ugly with my medical care trying to be heard and bullied actually. Truly. I mean to the point I could report it but what good would it do me??? People in power...some not all and seems to be often mid level and sometimes women but also men
have not wanted to hear me express my opinions ab my medical care. I have lived in California and Hawaii and did not remember such sexism there. Folks in Pa want "yes ppl"...ppl who do as they are told....ppl who don't ? anything and don't point out errors. Well I did that....I point out things. In the end it was aq benefit to my care I think but I was punished by my old specialist office for speaking up. Ah well and I could go deeper into it. But I am trying to let alot of injustices go.....I don't like to live in bitterness. I am unsure what to do with my Mom in the long haul. Ppl on here and in my life....(meaning counselors) tell me to not be close to her or reach out to her. Sigh. And yes she has behaved reprehensibly to me. She has made me the fall guy also for her and her husbands mistakes and yes prior she only knew how to show me love through some money....to rent or an I phone a few years ago. What makes me sad I ended up having to use that phone to document abuse from her. Terrible pics and screen shots. I wish it was to document happy things between us and in my life....I don't have close friends but I live in a very cold (literally and figuratively) and anti social town. Well if I was 18-22 in college then it's a social place. I live in a college town in the middle of nowhere. I do hope to and have found some solace and encouragement here.
 

Dolce

Learning
I meant to write more. I hope your Drs treat you better. I had to chg specialists b/c of the mean dumb and incompetent antics they did. And I have one superb P.A...
and some other specialists that are ok. It's a shame that women are treated the way we are by the medical community esp if we have any mental condition listed or for me it was when the abuse hit an apex w my Mom and I voluntarily sought some help then they started attributing literally everything to something mental. That was dangerous for me....and I will continue to fight against it. Fight to find good providers don't stay w bad bully ones. I did that for too long and well it was bad. I realize I stay in toxic situations. I realized today I have some form of Stockholm Syndrome with my Mom. I wish it were different. I can't change her though...I guess I have to keep working on me and my life solo as best as I can. Don't let the jerks keep you down in the medical community though....I am working on that too....
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I voluntarily sought some help then they started attributing literally everything to something mental.
Yep, isn't it amazing? I'm getting a new doc next month and I'm going to tell her I need extra care and compassion since I have a mental illness. If she isn't ok with it then I'll find another. I live in cattle country so we don't have many docs but I made a list of them and if one doesn't work out, next please.

As for my mom, she gives me a credit card to use if I run out of money, which I do since my only income is SSDI. I haven't been using it for the last two months since I really don't want to and she opened one of my bills and paid it. This was my credit account and it was addressed to me. She pretended that she thought it was her bill. Since I also paid the bill I have a big credit. I was really annoyed but I played along that she thought it was hers. She's so old and I just don't want to fight anymore.

I'm from S. Jersey so I get what you're saying about the people. East coast people can be a lot more prickly than those on the west coast. Oh, and Hawaiians are known for friendliness.
 

Dolce

Learning
I also live in " cow country". Good on you for advocating w doctors. Here where I live folks w or I should say I did not get compassion I got the opposite and downright obvious bullying and discrimination about mental illness. I think it's because I am outspoken and catch them at their mistakes and also do my own research. They hate that. Umm I don't know what to say about your Mom opening up your mail. My Mom gave me thousands in bills a few years ago. She will never help me with anything again. I don't know why but she did take it on herself to help me with rent for about two years...not the total rent but a chunk of it. I think tbh it was "guilt payments" for allowing things to happen with her husband and treating me like an outcast to make herself feel she was a "good mother". She has likely disinherited me completely. I can't even collect some photo albums I would like which have sentimental value only. I don't have a job either but am not on SSDI. I don't think I have the work credits for that and not poor enough for SSI. I do support myself though. I wanted to go to back to school wanted my Mom to help with this and this was something she actually accused me of!!! In court....Oh the crime right?! I mean some or many maybe not all parents would be glad that their child of any age in my case at the time mid 40s after caring for her Mom in home had ambitions to get a Masters Degree but no I earned a Pfa in part for it. This was the "boundary" crossings I was "guilty" of. I wanted support dignity oh and also your words "care and compassion". I said to my family my uncle don't I deserve this these exact words when he and my Mom in ambush fashion decided to put my Nana in nursing home care put me out of the home of 20 yrs we shared and make me participate in tricking her into her admission....the answer no. " You don't deserve any care and compassion." Hmmm and I was labeled in this scenario but it can happen in dysf families where the victim is made the "black sheep" and the goal is to silence them. I was used and discarded. I don't know your whole relationship with your Mom at all. At least she does help you with bills. It's not love per se and I know that. My Mom though cost me 7 k...knowing I have no income. I hope you find more "care and compassion" from family friends and or the medical community than I did. I think it's good you advocate for yourself. Maybe you do it in a nice gentle way...doctors tend to like that esp around here....idk they are hella touchy and get their egos bruised and can act petty here....so can the nurses and office staff....so what did that Roosevelt person say...walk quietly and carry a big stick....lol. The big stick being they're not supp to discriminate. Also I soon should look into working again....idk it's hard b/c I am in a Medicaid trap and maybe you are in similar w SSDI but you sound smart and maybe you could and I don't know your situation look into working again. You did work enough to collect SSDI which is more than me. Bravo. Also yes you are right about Cali and Hawaiian culture. Both are more open than the place where I grew up where I feel very very stuck and displaced. Take care. Hope I don't say too much. You sound like a wonderful person and I like your screen name.
 

Dolce

Learning
I tend to write in run on sentences. I root for you Dharma Girl. I root for your relationship with your Mom even though I guess it's flawed. Mine is I guess idk prob beyond repair...??? 😢 You are wise to know your Mom is old and therefore some things are not worth fighting about and well it's not good to be biased but alot of older ppl can be stuck in their ways...not all but most. I mean I am told and it's hard to accept that my Mother likely will never change. Well I mean past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior so...? And yeah most ppl don't break long standing patterns. I would like to better myself look at myself which prob suprises my Mom...maybe maybe not. What she wanted was me to take the blame for EVERYTHING. And that's not good healthy or realistic in relationships. One person is never completely at fault. Well I wasn't for their abuses. And I don't know your relationship with your Mom and I don't want to minimize anything...or talk too much about myself. Being on govt helps is hard...I know that b/c I am on a form of it....having helps from a mother can be hard I know this too. I want to try and stand up as much as I can and it's hard most days....and I would like to see you do it too. I don't know what you are on SSDI for but I agree that folks w mental illness that are seeking help for themselves or are seeking care from other drs don't deserve to be treated as less than b/c they have a mental illness on their chart.I know ab that. i wish you the best with your new dr and hope they are more enlightened and open than some of them around here. Keep your chin up Dharma Girl.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry your mom treats you so badly. It's hard to deal with. I'm a bit distracted since thousands of geese are flying over my house so I forgot my point, lol. I just wanted you to know I'm listening.
 

Dolce

Learning
Thank you Dharma Girl. Apparently I was not supposed to post that quote, here. I thought I should attribute it to the person who said it but I guess I wasn't supposed to. I made a mistake I guess. This is a good forum...I didn't know I was doing wrong and just knew that once was a well known quote. But I did mean well...and I do wish you well. My entire family shuts me out completely and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am a child of divorce and I guess that is the unfortunate consequence. Idk. My bp was high today. I need to look out for my health I guess b/c it seems no one else is....incl my old specialist. I was supp to have a test today but I messed up the strict diet the day before...and also my bp was super high....I think b/c my 1/2 brother whom I have had limited contacts w over the years but slight recently is ignoring me...but this is the m.o of my entire family on both sides....My 1/2 brother via text said it seems I am defined or defining myself by my abuse. That's a really unhelpful degrading thing to say to someone he hasn't talked to in 20 years. I wanted him to understand I was abused on this side of my family. I think or heard that my step mom his Mom had tried to block both of our inheritances. I did not win the lottery on my family in terms of my Mom and or step parents. Thank you for listening....and idk if that quote helped but I guess I am not supposed to post other famous folks quotes on here. I meant to give credit to the person. I won't be making that mistake again though as this forum is important to me and I do need the support and like to offer some if I can. Thank you.
 
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