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Incest by psychopathic father

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Eyevierose, Apr 5, 2018.

  1. Eyevierose

    Eyevierose New Member

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    Anyone have trouble with accepting that their childhood was not as you remembered it? (Even after remembering and ‘accepting years of abuse) That it was all a façade by a clever manipulative psychopath?
     
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  3. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    Yes. All the time. Although I wasn't the one he abused sexually -- though he did sell me off to his friend.

    I just remind myself of the horrible things he did to others, because then my minimizing won't seem true anymore. It helps a bit.
     
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  4. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

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    Yep.
    Every memory somehow becomes tainted with the cruelty that I didn't see was there at the time.
     
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  5. Ravie

    Ravie Guest

    Yes, the same. I didn't see the manipulation at the time. I carried the guilt of agreeing to it for years. When I didn't want to do what he wanted he got pissed slammed shit around called me useless and threatened to move his mean bitch of a gf in with us. He already knew I hated her. So I cried and pleaded with him not to do let her move in and to let me do it. That same scenario was played out each time I didn't want to as the abuse escalated from touching to other things.
    So there you are.
    I did describe the abuse before on this forum but that part, I left out. I agreed to it. That is the one thing that has probably caused me the most mental anguish over the years. I never even wrote that down before. The sense of shame is overwhelming to me, even now.
     
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  6. Eyevierose

    Eyevierose New Member

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    I really had to work through that feeling....that I ‘agreed to it’. Mostly when I was younger. As I got older I started fighting, but it didn’t help, as he always got what he wanted anyway. I have come to realize that no matter what...it was all his fault. The same for you. You didn’t have the ABILITY to agree to it, so you didn’t. He manipulated your relationship so that you wouldn’t resist, that’s all. I also had to work through the shame of remembering that at times my body was stimulated by the abuse. I hated that I couldn’t control my body’s reaction. Those were the worst of the worse experiences for me. But I was helped to realize that it absolutely did NOT mean that I wanted it or liked it! It was torture of the worst kind. But the shame took a long time to work through. (I still am working on it) I hope you can have compassion for the little you. I know that I felt like an adult from a young age, probably because adult things were put on me, but we were still kids. Whether 3 or 7 or 14 etc....it was his fault not ours! Also I learned about psychopaths...if you are a normal human being, they WILL win. They have ability’s of manipulation that we can’t resist. And add to that being there child, and so young, we never had a chance
     
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  7. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    This is hard for me too.

    I have eventually accepted that I was being MADE to do it, and was unable to consent.

    :hug:
     
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  8. Ravie

    Ravie Guest

    @Eyevierose
    Yes I can see how getting aroused would make it even harder to deal with but you were manipulated into that. Like you said that is what psychopaths are good at. I never had that happen he has an oral fixation so to put it mildly, I never felt anything but discomfort.
    He used to do it to my mother. When I was very young probably around 4 or 5 I used to hear them and a few times I peeked. He always had it in her mouth.

    I find it very difficult. As a child the manipulation is overwhelming. When you are conditioned to believe everything your father says goes, how are you supposed to refuse? You just find ways to rationalize it.
    He knew how to push my buttons he knew I craved to hear words like, you are the best daughter in the world and of course he only ever said things like that when I was doing what he wanted me to.
    Let me tell you something he did.
    He used to draw a line on his dick with a sharpie and tell me that's how deep I should take it and he made me feel proud of myself when I could do it. Of course he always drew it further down than before.
    When I first started reading forums to find out if other people had the same things happen to them or was it just me, I didn't really understand what people meant by triggers until I realised that is what happens to me on a daily basis, I was so used to feeling that sense of shame wash over me every time someone mentioned their dad, I would go quiet and distant and end the conversation. The last thing I want is to hear about is people's Dad when the only memories I have associated with my Dad is doing THAT. The rest of the time I was just an annoyance to him.
    I didn't recognise it for what it was, being triggered and that's the thing about being a victim of a psychopath they are so manipulative and coercive I still feel that it was something I did and that never goes away no matter how much you say I didn't do it and that he manipulated me, that little voice says, that doesn't matter I still did it, people would still think I'm one of those, I'm still different from everyone else.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2018
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