Hello, I am 43 years old, and I am a transgender male, female to male (FTM) and I am born and raised in Australia.
I am an incest survivor who has been suffering in silence for years now. I was 9 years old when I was first exposed to incest and it would continue until I was 19.
I have forgiven my abusers but I will never forget. It has affected many aspects of my personal life and has caused a number of mental health issues.
I am here because about 5 years ago, out of nowhere I started to feel aroused when I thought about the incest and it has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was so sudden and an absolute shock to the system. I had this very intense urge to watch dad/daughter porn!
So, that’s what I did, I got online and started searching for dad/daughter porn. I couldn’t believe what was happening and why so many years after the incest ended? I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone, how could I tell anyone about this? I didn’t understand it, so how could anyone else understand and I was married to a woman at the time.
I kept this to myself for many months until I couldn’t handle suffering in silence any longer and I found the courage to talk to my wife about it.
During the months of silence, I started researching online for information about the long-term effects of incest and I could not find any information about arousal being an effect of incest. I searched high and low and I kept coming up empty.
As I went deeper into the research, I came across applications and websites that had chat rooms related to incest, most using titles like, ‘Familyfuntime’, ‘Family Roleplay’ and so on. My initial thought was to use these platforms as a way of exploring and chatting with people who had or have been experiencing what was happening to me. This quickly turned into something completely different and I would use these platforms as a way to appease my arousal and this only made the arousal grow in intensity. I quickly became addicted to these platforms and I began to enjoy the way it made me feel. I suffer from emotional detachment and sensory issues being touch. Intimacy had always been an issue for me as an adult and I finally found something that made me feel, and to feel something, was better than feeling nothing at all.
Over the past couple of months the addiction has gotten worse and it started to consume my life and I was finding myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences.
I decided that I could not afford to continue living in this space and suffering in silence, so I found the courage to speak up and am now seeking support from my psychologist. It is like a part of me has surfaced and it’s currently controlling all my parts and I have little to no control over it.
During this process, I have learned that I am not the only one and it is common for incest and sexual abuse survivors to find themselves in a state of arousal when the memories come into their minds. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way and I felt so isolated because I felt shame and guilt and it is almost unbearable to talk openly about it .
I’m currently in a poor mental and physical state and I’m looking at possible admission to hospital for intensive treatment for this but also for other mental health conditions from other traumatic events I was exposed to as a child. I have gone undiagnosed my entire life until about 3 years ago and I was finally diagnosed and everything finally made sense. I was diagnosed with, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Emotional Detachment, Sensory Issues, Major Anxiety and Depression, possible traits of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder and yet to be tested for autism.
I will cut my introduction there and I just want to say, thank you for having a space where I can share my story and speak openly about it and to hopefully connect with others that know exactly what I’m going through.
Sincerely,
Timeless
I am an incest survivor who has been suffering in silence for years now. I was 9 years old when I was first exposed to incest and it would continue until I was 19.
I have forgiven my abusers but I will never forget. It has affected many aspects of my personal life and has caused a number of mental health issues.
I am here because about 5 years ago, out of nowhere I started to feel aroused when I thought about the incest and it has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was so sudden and an absolute shock to the system. I had this very intense urge to watch dad/daughter porn!
So, that’s what I did, I got online and started searching for dad/daughter porn. I couldn’t believe what was happening and why so many years after the incest ended? I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone, how could I tell anyone about this? I didn’t understand it, so how could anyone else understand and I was married to a woman at the time.
I kept this to myself for many months until I couldn’t handle suffering in silence any longer and I found the courage to talk to my wife about it.
During the months of silence, I started researching online for information about the long-term effects of incest and I could not find any information about arousal being an effect of incest. I searched high and low and I kept coming up empty.
As I went deeper into the research, I came across applications and websites that had chat rooms related to incest, most using titles like, ‘Familyfuntime’, ‘Family Roleplay’ and so on. My initial thought was to use these platforms as a way of exploring and chatting with people who had or have been experiencing what was happening to me. This quickly turned into something completely different and I would use these platforms as a way to appease my arousal and this only made the arousal grow in intensity. I quickly became addicted to these platforms and I began to enjoy the way it made me feel. I suffer from emotional detachment and sensory issues being touch. Intimacy had always been an issue for me as an adult and I finally found something that made me feel, and to feel something, was better than feeling nothing at all.
Over the past couple of months the addiction has gotten worse and it started to consume my life and I was finding myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences.
I decided that I could not afford to continue living in this space and suffering in silence, so I found the courage to speak up and am now seeking support from my psychologist. It is like a part of me has surfaced and it’s currently controlling all my parts and I have little to no control over it.
During this process, I have learned that I am not the only one and it is common for incest and sexual abuse survivors to find themselves in a state of arousal when the memories come into their minds. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way and I felt so isolated because I felt shame and guilt and it is almost unbearable to talk openly about it .
I’m currently in a poor mental and physical state and I’m looking at possible admission to hospital for intensive treatment for this but also for other mental health conditions from other traumatic events I was exposed to as a child. I have gone undiagnosed my entire life until about 3 years ago and I was finally diagnosed and everything finally made sense. I was diagnosed with, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Emotional Detachment, Sensory Issues, Major Anxiety and Depression, possible traits of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder and yet to be tested for autism.
I will cut my introduction there and I just want to say, thank you for having a space where I can share my story and speak openly about it and to hopefully connect with others that know exactly what I’m going through.
Sincerely,
Timeless