• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer Incest Survivor Suffering in Silence because of Arousal

Timeless

New Here
Hello, I am 43 years old, and I am a transgender male, female to male (FTM) and I am born and raised in Australia.

I am an incest survivor who has been suffering in silence for years now. I was 9 years old when I was first exposed to incest and it would continue until I was 19.

I have forgiven my abusers but I will never forget. It has affected many aspects of my personal life and has caused a number of mental health issues.

I am here because about 5 years ago, out of nowhere I started to feel aroused when I thought about the incest and it has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was so sudden and an absolute shock to the system. I had this very intense urge to watch dad/daughter porn!

So, that’s what I did, I got online and started searching for dad/daughter porn. I couldn’t believe what was happening and why so many years after the incest ended? I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone, how could I tell anyone about this? I didn’t understand it, so how could anyone else understand and I was married to a woman at the time.

I kept this to myself for many months until I couldn’t handle suffering in silence any longer and I found the courage to talk to my wife about it.

During the months of silence, I started researching online for information about the long-term effects of incest and I could not find any information about arousal being an effect of incest. I searched high and low and I kept coming up empty.

As I went deeper into the research, I came across applications and websites that had chat rooms related to incest, most using titles like, ‘Familyfuntime’, ‘Family Roleplay’ and so on. My initial thought was to use these platforms as a way of exploring and chatting with people who had or have been experiencing what was happening to me. This quickly turned into something completely different and I would use these platforms as a way to appease my arousal and this only made the arousal grow in intensity. I quickly became addicted to these platforms and I began to enjoy the way it made me feel. I suffer from emotional detachment and sensory issues being touch. Intimacy had always been an issue for me as an adult and I finally found something that made me feel, and to feel something, was better than feeling nothing at all.

Over the past couple of months the addiction has gotten worse and it started to consume my life and I was finding myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences.

I decided that I could not afford to continue living in this space and suffering in silence, so I found the courage to speak up and am now seeking support from my psychologist. It is like a part of me has surfaced and it’s currently controlling all my parts and I have little to no control over it.

During this process, I have learned that I am not the only one and it is common for incest and sexual abuse survivors to find themselves in a state of arousal when the memories come into their minds. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way and I felt so isolated because I felt shame and guilt and it is almost unbearable to talk openly about it .

I’m currently in a poor mental and physical state and I’m looking at possible admission to hospital for intensive treatment for this but also for other mental health conditions from other traumatic events I was exposed to as a child. I have gone undiagnosed my entire life until about 3 years ago and I was finally diagnosed and everything finally made sense. I was diagnosed with, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Emotional Detachment, Sensory Issues, Major Anxiety and Depression, possible traits of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder and yet to be tested for autism.

I will cut my introduction there and I just want to say, thank you for having a space where I can share my story and speak openly about it and to hopefully connect with others that know exactly what I’m going through.

Sincerely,
Timeless
 
Hi @Timeless I'm glad you're here!
Thank you for sharing Timeless... I wish you well with your recovery journey and well done for reaching out...I think all the questions you ask yourself is a really good place to start and having a platform like this one can help you have a space (safe space) to explore your difficulties more... I too can relate to inappropriate arousal and know it can be upsetting... know you're not alone
 
hello timeless. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. congratulations on finding the courage to speak up. in my own healing journey, the healing mysteries have never been able to enter through doors i keep locked for the sake of holding things in. that which keeps some in keeps others out.

in my own psychotherapy sessions, what you describe is called, "hyper-sexuality." my own hyper-sexuality was already out of control when i offered my 5th grade teacher a free blowjob. i liked him a great deal and i was clueless there were men in the world who would turn down such an offer. i buy the theory that hyper-sexuality is no more about gratification than rape is. it's about control and venting pain.

but mine presented very early in my life, as did for the siblings-in-healing i've talked this over with. i don't know if the presentation so late in life might make it a whole different can of worms. is it possible you were simply able to repress it until 5 years ago? dunno. . . just theorating and i am just a patient.

the big for sure is that the courage to open up is an all-important first step in the process and you have taken that step with admirable courage. stay brave.
welcome aboard. steadying support while you find your healing path.
 
To all of you that have replied or supported my post, I am truly overwhelmed! I wasn’t sure what to expect, so I didn’t have any expectations. I have felt alone for so long and I struggle with human connection as it is, so this has made it just that little bit harder! It’s even hard to speak openly with your psychologist about all this!

I have been seeing a psychologist ongoing since my diagnoses but I have been very inconsistent with attending our appointments, which have been via Skype, due to avoidance, fear and I wasn’t ready. I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on the therapy journey because I don’t know who I am going to be on the other side of it.
I am now seeing a new psychologist and it’s face to face and my last few appointments have been very difficult and has brought a lot of trauma to the surface.

In response to what you said ‘arfie’ re repressing and it only surfacing about 5 years ago, we aren’t sure yet. It could very well be to do with my dissociative disorder which started around age 13/14. It was an absolute shock when it first happened! I had no idea what was going on!

I have been deemed unfit for work since 2019, which has added another challenge to the mix because I’ve been very successful in my careers, and I’ve always worked but my childhood trauma has finally caught up to me, despite all the psychologists I have pursued over the years!

And then we add substance abuse, because it allows me to feel something but can also make me very dark and the arousal intensifies! I have no self-care atm and I have concerns for my wellbeing but I know I have a good mental health team to help me get through it.

And now I have all of you. I’m so grateful for your kind words, well wishes and support, you have touched my soul and I don’t feel so alone.

Timeless
 
Welcome to the site! You have found a great resource for information and connecting with others people with similar trauma. I am one...and you are not alone...💙

I could have written a lot of what you said and I am sorry you suffered as well!

Blessings of peace and progress being sent to you from me💙
 
Welcome to the forum @Timeless . As noted many survivors of sexual abuse feel aroused when they think of the abuse and feel guilty because of this. Its our bodies response that we really dont have much control over . It took me ages to work through this with my therapist. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
 
Hello, I am 43 years old, and I am a transgender male, female to male (FTM) and I am born and raised in Australia.

I am an incest survivor who has been suffering in silence for years now. I was 9 years old when I was first exposed to incest and it would continue until I was 19.

I have forgiven my abusers but I will never forget. It has affected many aspects of my personal life and has caused a number of mental health issues.

I am here because about 5 years ago, out of nowhere I started to feel aroused when I thought about the incest and it has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was so sudden and an absolute shock to the system. I had this very intense urge to watch dad/daughter porn!

So, that’s what I did, I got online and started searching for dad/daughter porn. I couldn’t believe what was happening and why so many years after the incest ended? I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone, how could I tell anyone about this? I didn’t understand it, so how could anyone else understand and I was married to a woman at the time.

I kept this to myself for many months until I couldn’t handle suffering in silence any longer and I found the courage to talk to my wife about it.

During the months of silence, I started researching online for information about the long-term effects of incest and I could not find any information about arousal being an effect of incest. I searched high and low and I kept coming up empty.

As I went deeper into the research, I came across applications and websites that had chat rooms related to incest, most using titles like, ‘Familyfuntime’, ‘Family Roleplay’ and so on. My initial thought was to use these platforms as a way of exploring and chatting with people who had or have been experiencing what was happening to me. This quickly turned into something completely different and I would use these platforms as a way to appease my arousal and this only made the arousal grow in intensity. I quickly became addicted to these platforms and I began to enjoy the way it made me feel. I suffer from emotional detachment and sensory issues being touch. Intimacy had always been an issue for me as an adult and I finally found something that made me feel, and to feel something, was better than feeling nothing at all.

Over the past couple of months the addiction has gotten worse and it started to consume my life and I was finding myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences.

I decided that I could not afford to continue living in this space and suffering in silence, so I found the courage to speak up and am now seeking support from my psychologist. It is like a part of me has surfaced and it’s currently controlling all my parts and I have little to no control over it.

During this process, I have learned that I am not the only one and it is common for incest and sexual abuse survivors to find themselves in a state of arousal when the memories come into their minds. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way and I felt so isolated because I felt shame and guilt and it is almost unbearable to talk openly about it .

I’m currently in a poor mental and physical state and I’m looking at possible admission to hospital for intensive treatment for this but also for other mental health conditions from other traumatic events I was exposed to as a child. I have gone undiagnosed my entire life until about 3 years ago and I was finally diagnosed and everything finally made sense. I was diagnosed with, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Emotional Detachment, Sensory Issues, Major Anxiety and Depression, possible traits of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder and yet to be tested for autism.

I will cut my introduction there and I just want to say, thank you for having a space where I can share my story and speak openly about it and to hopefully connect with others that know exactly what I’m going through.

Sincerely,
Timeless

I know that people do not change who they are and that individuals that are transgender are at a higher likelihood to be highly empathetic. Speak.
 
Hello, I am 43 years old, and I am a transgender male, female to male (FTM) and I am born and raised in Australia.

I am an incest survivor who has been suffering in silence for years now. I was 9 years old when I was first exposed to incest and it would continue until I was 19.

I have forgiven my abusers but I will never forget. It has affected many aspects of my personal life and has caused a number of mental health issues.

I am here because about 5 years ago, out of nowhere I started to feel aroused when I thought about the incest and it has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was so sudden and an absolute shock to the system. I had this very intense urge to watch dad/daughter porn!

So, that’s what I did, I got online and started searching for dad/daughter porn. I couldn’t believe what was happening and why so many years after the incest ended? I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone, how could I tell anyone about this? I didn’t understand it, so how could anyone else understand and I was married to a woman at the time.

I kept this to myself for many months until I couldn’t handle suffering in silence any longer and I found the courage to talk to my wife about it.

During the months of silence, I started researching online for information about the long-term effects of incest and I could not find any information about arousal being an effect of incest. I searched high and low and I kept coming up empty.

As I went deeper into the research, I came across applications and websites that had chat rooms related to incest, most using titles like, ‘Familyfuntime’, ‘Family Roleplay’ and so on. My initial thought was to use these platforms as a way of exploring and chatting with people who had or have been experiencing what was happening to me. This quickly turned into something completely different and I would use these platforms as a way to appease my arousal and this only made the arousal grow in intensity. I quickly became addicted to these platforms and I began to enjoy the way it made me feel. I suffer from emotional detachment and sensory issues being touch. Intimacy had always been an issue for me as an adult and I finally found something that made me feel, and to feel something, was better than feeling nothing at all.

Over the past couple of months the addiction has gotten worse and it started to consume my life and I was finding myself taking risks that could lead to serious consequences.

I decided that I could not afford to continue living in this space and suffering in silence, so I found the courage to speak up and am now seeking support from my psychologist. It is like a part of me has surfaced and it’s currently controlling all my parts and I have little to no control over it.

During this process, I have learned that I am not the only one and it is common for incest and sexual abuse survivors to find themselves in a state of arousal when the memories come into their minds. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way and I felt so isolated because I felt shame and guilt and it is almost unbearable to talk openly about it .

I’m currently in a poor mental and physical state and I’m looking at possible admission to hospital for intensive treatment for this but also for other mental health conditions from other traumatic events I was exposed to as a child. I have gone undiagnosed my entire life until about 3 years ago and I was finally diagnosed and everything finally made sense. I was diagnosed with, C-PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Emotional Detachment, Sensory Issues, Major Anxiety and Depression, possible traits of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder and yet to be tested for autism.

I will cut my introduction there and I just want to say, thank you for having a space where I can share my story and speak openly about it and to hopefully connect with others that know exactly what I’m going through.

Sincerely,
Timeless
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I know that you are going to make it through this. First, stop beating yourself up. Ruminating about past events will energize them and you will find yourself reliving them repeatedly. Even though it will be difficult, you have to accept what happened. Your future does not have to be determined by your past. You do not have to be a victim. Naturally, your mind will gravitate to these events, but you have the power not to entertain them. Many of the thoughts may be intrusive, but do not engage with them, do not suppress them. If you leave thoughts alone, they will go away on their own. Keep a journal of how you are feeling. Write in it several times a day. This helps get the disturbing thoughts out of your head and will provide some distance. When it comes to sex, our minds go crazy. Dopamine is released and these wonderful feelings occur. That is why engaging in sexual thoughts are so enjoyable. If anyone thinks about a sexual activity long enough, they will become aroused. It doesn't matter if it deals with incest, bestiality, or homosexual activity. Remember, fantasizing or watching porn can quickly change your brain circuity and can turn it into an addiction. In order to get some stability and semblance in your life, it will be important to make all your decisions not based upon feelings but on principles and values.
regardless of what you have been through, you have a moral compass. The secret is to start using it. Be aware of all your thoughts. When a sexual thought enters your mind just let it be. If you engage with it, the thought will energize and quickly turn into a pleasant feeling. The feeling can easily take you over. Practice this every day and you will gain resilience. Keep a journal and record what is going on in your head. This will help with the rumination. Because there are several issues, focus on one of them at a time. You will get through this. Think forward and not backwards. This is where life lies. Deal with this one day at a time. Have you tried meditation? It can really help to calm and relax you. Keep yourself busy and stay connected with friends. Sexual urges will go away on their own if you leave the thoughts alone. Again, the secret is to not engage with the sexual thought. I care about you and I know that you will be successful in getting through this.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Back
Top