• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Incoherent Rants

susannahsays

Confident
I've been feeling a lot of shame lately about physical symptoms related to sexual assault. I feel broken and dirty and just... damaged. I feel angry and hurt.

I remember being a kid during the CSA and the constant ache in my lower abdomen. I feel like having sex so young damaged me. He took some measures to prevent injury - used graduated dilators for some time before he started having actual sex with me, but maybe he didn't know that I could be injured apart from tears. He told me I was lucky for that. I guess I was. I remember before the first time, he showed me part of a video that he would later regularly terrorize me with (and the clip he showed me that time was relatively tame compared to other parts). In the video, a young girl was being raped and she was severely injured by it. He told me that could happen to me if I didn't follow his directions. I was terrified.

Anyway. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong or if it's somatic. Of course, the adult sexual assault also caused issues. It was so bad I finally consulted a doctor, then had to see a specialist. It was hell because every visit required invasive testing. Maybe it didn't help that my trauma history wasn't disclosed from the start. However, when the specialist examined me she immediately asked if I had been raped. She was nice about it, but I felt so dirty and ashamed that she could tell. I ended up having to have physical therapy, which helped somewhat but was almost unbearable. I couldn't afford to do the whole course. I still experience some pain related to that. I guess I always will.

I also got diagnosed with an inflammatory condition in that area that is really rare (not PID). My PCP had never heard of it. Due to its rarity, not much is known about it, and the treatments aren't particularly effective. The first line of treatment didn't help me at all. The second line treatment cost more than $100/month and only provided a small benefit. Maybe this condition has nothing to do with the traumas. I don't know. But I can't help but wonder.

I know it isn't rational to hate my body for the injuries it has sustained. I haven't hated it when I've broken bones or things like that. It's not the body's fault it can't withstand everything that happens. I guess it just feels like it is working against me sometimes. I have other symptoms that I'm not sure are somatic or physical. For example, I have severe nausea and vomiting that happens periodically. It is definitely worse when I am stressed, but that is true of most conditions. I think I feel really angry because experiencing physical stuff makes me feel really out of control and in the case of the symptoms in the genital/pelvic area, I also feel victimized all over again. I feel helpless. It is so unfair that I have to suffer for what other people did - not only physically and emotionally, but financially as well. I hate that I am stuck footing the bill and just have to accept that in order to get better.

I feel angry on behalf of other people in my situation and in situations worse than mine where they can't afford to get help. For that matter, I am angry on behalf of people in situations "better" than mine because it's still unjust. I have very little money as a student, but I do have good enough insurance through school. My therapy copay costs 27% - 34% of my $1,100 monthly income, but at least I can manage to scrape by. I have access to free medical care through student health and I have a PA there that I like. In the event of a financial crisis, my family won't let me starve. I am relatively privileged.

I just wish I didn't have to continue to pay the price for the bad shit that has happened. I think it contributes to my cognitive distortions around being at fault and needing to take responsibility, that those things happened because I am inherently bad, that they don't matter and I am wrong for being affected, etc.
 
I've been feeling a lot of shame lately about physical symptoms related to sexual assault. I feel broken and dirty and just... damaged. I feel angry and hurt.

I remember being a kid during the CSA and the constant ache in my lower abdomen. I feel like having sex so young damaged me. He took some measures to prevent injury - used graduated dilators for some time before he started having actual sex with me, but maybe he didn't know that I could be injured apart from tears. He told me I was lucky for that. I guess I was. I remember before the first time, he showed me part of a video that he would later regularly terrorize me with (and the clip he showed me that time was relatively tame compared to other parts). In the video, a young girl was being raped and she was severely injured by it. He told me that could happen to me if I didn't follow his directions. I was terrified.

Anyway. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong or if it's somatic. Of course, the adult sexual assault also caused issues. It was so bad I finally consulted a doctor, then had to see a specialist. It was hell because every visit required invasive testing. Maybe it didn't help that my trauma history wasn't disclosed from the start. However, when the specialist examined me she immediately asked if I had been raped. She was nice about it, but I felt so dirty and ashamed that she could tell. I ended up having to have physical therapy, which helped somewhat but was almost unbearable. I couldn't afford to do the whole course. I still experience some pain related to that. I guess I always will.

I also got diagnosed with an inflammatory condition in that area that is really rare (not PID). My PCP had never heard of it. Due to its rarity, not much is known about it, and the treatments aren't particularly effective. The first line of treatment didn't help me at all. The second line treatment cost more than $100/month and only provided a small benefit. Maybe this condition has nothing to do with the traumas. I don't know. But I can't help but wonder.

I know it isn't rational to hate my body for the injuries it has sustained. I haven't hated it when I've broken bones or things like that. It's not the body's fault it can't withstand everything that happens. I guess it just feels like it is working against me sometimes. I have other symptoms that I'm not sure are somatic or physical. For example, I have severe nausea and vomiting that happens periodically. It is definitely worse when I am stressed, but that is true of most conditions. I think I feel really angry because experiencing physical stuff makes me feel really out of control and in the case of the symptoms in the genital/pelvic area, I also feel victimized all over again. I feel helpless. It is so unfair that I have to suffer for what other people did - not only physically and emotionally, but financially as well. I hate that I am stuck footing the bill and just have to accept that in order to get better.

I feel angry on behalf of other people in my situation and in situations worse than mine where they can't afford to get help. For that matter, I am angry on behalf of people in situations "better" than mine because it's still unjust. I have very little money as a student, but I do have good enough insurance through school. My therapy copay costs 27% - 34% of my $1,100 monthly income, but at least I can manage to scrape by. I have access to free medical care through student health and I have a PA there that I like. In the event of a financial crisis, my family won't let me starve. I am relatively privileged.

I just wish I didn't have to continue to pay the price for the bad shit that has happened. I think it contributes to my cognitive distortions around being at fault and needing to take responsibility, that those things happened because I am inherently bad, that they don't matter and I am wrong for being affected, etc.
I don't understand why people haven't been responding much lately. I'm sorry for that.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It's not your fault but I know it doesn't help much to hear that. Are you in therapy? I didn't see where it said whether you are or not.
 
I just wish I didn't have to continue to pay the price for the bad shit that has happened.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too, but not like you. It changes you so thoroughly, that it is difficult to know who you are. You are here and trying to help yourself. This website has helped me so much over the years. It's not therapy, but it can be just as helpful.

Anyway. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong or if it's somatic.

I was so sure my back pain was somatic that I went to a therapist and told him I had conversion disorder. I didn't, I had stenosis. I doubt it's somatic. You've been through so much, no need to doubt yourself.
 
I've been feeling a lot of shame lately about physical symptoms related to sexual assault. I feel broken and dirty and just... damaged. I feel angry and hurt.

I remember being a kid during the CSA and the constant ache in my lower abdomen. I feel like having sex so young damaged me. He took some measures to prevent injury - used graduated dilators for some time before he started having actual sex with me, but maybe he didn't know that I could be injured apart from tears. He told me I was lucky for that. I guess I was. I remember before the first time, he showed me part of a video that he would later regularly terrorize me with (and the clip he showed me that time was relatively tame compared to other parts). In the video, a young girl was being raped and she was severely injured by it. He told me that could happen to me if I didn't follow his directions. I was terrified.

Anyway. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong or if it's somatic. Of course, the adult sexual assault also caused issues. It was so bad I finally consulted a doctor, then had to see a specialist. It was hell because every visit required invasive testing. Maybe it didn't help that my trauma history wasn't disclosed from the start. However, when the specialist examined me she immediately asked if I had been raped. She was nice about it, but I felt so dirty and ashamed that she could tell. I ended up having to have physical therapy, which helped somewhat but was almost unbearable. I couldn't afford to do the whole course. I still experience some pain related to that. I guess I always will.

I also got diagnosed with an inflammatory condition in that area that is really rare (not PID). My PCP had never heard of it. Due to its rarity, not much is known about it, and the treatments aren't particularly effective. The first line of treatment didn't help me at all. The second line treatment cost more than $100/month and only provided a small benefit. Maybe this condition has nothing to do with the traumas. I don't know. But I can't help but wonder.

I know it isn't rational to hate my body for the injuries it has sustained. I haven't hated it when I've broken bones or things like that. It's not the body's fault it can't withstand everything that happens. I guess it just feels like it is working against me sometimes. I have other symptoms that I'm not sure are somatic or physical. For example, I have severe nausea and vomiting that happens periodically. It is definitely worse when I am stressed, but that is true of most conditions. I think I feel really angry because experiencing physical stuff makes me feel really out of control and in the case of the symptoms in the genital/pelvic area, I also feel victimized all over again. I feel helpless. It is so unfair that I have to suffer for what other people did - not only physically and emotionally, but financially as well. I hate that I am stuck footing the bill and just have to accept that in order to get better.

I feel angry on behalf of other people in my situation and in situations worse than mine where they can't afford to get help. For that matter, I am angry on behalf of people in situations "better" than mine because it's still unjust. I have very little money as a student, but I do have good enough insurance through school. My therapy copay costs 27% - 34% of my $1,100 monthly income, but at least I can manage to scrape by. I have access to free medical care through student health and I have a PA there that I like. In the event of a financial crisis, my family won't let me starve. I am relatively privileged.

I just wish I didn't have to continue to pay the price for the bad shit that has happened. I think it contributes to my cognitive distortions around being at fault and needing to take responsibility, that those things happened because I am inherently bad, that they don't matter and I am wrong for being affected, etc.

I'm so sorry that you went thru all this. Remember that there is always someone to listen, here in the forum.
 
Back
Top