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Inner Critic: What Does That Mean To You?

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J

just me here

I have started to come to grips with an aspect of my disorder, and wonder if it is similar to others with the same diagnosis of CPTSD.

We may or may not have been abused as children, it might have been early or late and it may have come in the form of physical or mental abuse, and we all reacted to it differently.

I have become aware of the suggestion that as abused children, we started to "meld" the outer criticisms we received from abusers with our own inner critics, something I would call a concious or define as a part of our human nature that causes us to self monitor our own behaviour in the interest of fitting in and being a part of the 'pack'.

Thats what I think of when I hear the term 'inner critic'. And I do agree that I have allowed the words of others to become part of the way I think about myself. I don't have a filter, I don't discount others criticism of me based on their lack of knowledge of me, or based on their own inability to meet their own expectations. If someone has a bad day and lays into me, I repeat the words over and over to myself, they become part of the voice of my own inner critic, and I carry them with me basically forever.

An example to help form my question for you:

If someone yells at you in traffic, do you even listen? Do you listen but discount the criticism because the person doesn't know anything about you and their opinion carries no merit? Do you think about the possibility that they may be right, but discount it because they are just a jerk venting in traffic? Or do you add their critique to your own self criticism and adopt their words as part of your inner self talk about trying to be as good a driver as you can? Or do you find yourself triggered into what I have just learned is an emotional flashback and you start thinking that if you werent such a self involved defective mess of a human being, people wouldn't see it so quickly and vent their anger on you in traffic so readily. If you were just normal, people would treat you better.

I am glad I have a concious and that I self monitor my actions. I try to be a good person, to do the right thing. But along with these positive traits, I also have an inner critic that repeats the criticisms I have picked up from my parents, teachers, neighbors, disgruntled customers, therapists, kids I played football against, jerks in traffic, jealous coworkers and ignorant bosses, you name it, if someone critiqued me, I gave them the power to climb right onboard with all of the others and do it longer than they ever imagined their criticism would be remembered.

Is it like that for you?
 
I like your question. My inner critic tells me things like I am bad, if I work I am bad, don't smile or I am hurting others, your a dog, you don't try hard enough. I found in the end of all my therapy that really it because some of my worst feelings (from abuse) had been connected to my best feelings (which came from my personality development growing much later than most people when I was 15-18. It grew this late due to trauma and finding myself in a very positive enviroment during 15-18 enabled me for the first time for this part of me to develop.
When this person who was positive was attacked and my accuser between the line accused her of basically abusing him (totally untrue he was trying to isolate me common in domestic violence and abuse) all the personality development(sunshine) just became conncected to all the bad things my abuser did. After this connection, which was a trauma conncection,my brain started attacking my personality.And it has been attacking my personality since then until yesterday. I think my inner critic came about by bad memories being attached to the good ones. I'm not really trying to attack the good memories or my personality, but the bad ones. I think the things that make me feel best is saying positive affirmations about the good memories.
Personality formation is an interesting thing. I wonder if the personality formation if it happens later due to trauma, makes it a bit more vulnerable to raising this inner critic.
 
Hi JustMeHere,

You asked a great question and your example was really good. I have hit a point where I know the difference between what I was told by people who hurt me (mother and ex-husband), versus what the people that love me tell me. I know the inner critic is the negativity I internalized, and there are times I can stop it cold, recognize it for what it is, and move on. But the strange thing is, I am only able to do that in some situations.

Your example with the car, if it was a female driver, young male driver,or elderly male driver, I would just figure they are having a bad day and move on. Put an angry middle-aged man in there and you have a whole other scenario. Total fear and uncontrolled emotional flashbacks. Negativity running rampant and then it just spreads. If it is too violent of a scenario, I can become suicidal. The fear is that intense. (Please note this does not apply to people I know and trust. But they don't go off on me either.)

Now I hope with some upcoming changes in my life, moving, actually feeling safe for the first time I can ever remember, and therapy, I can successfully manage the inner-critic. At least that keeps me from spiraling into depression and becoming completely useless. But bottom line, I still do not believe I have value in and of myself. I find my value, in a purpose of loving my family and friends, and being there for them. However that is huge, for at least I now believe I have value to others.

Hopefully this makes sense at some level.

Deb
 
I get that inner critique working only in certain circumstances to into the light. What a good example of this inner critic working putting a man in the drivers seat instead of a woman. I find that I put myself down about work when something extra like baking a cake, but if it's washing up, my inner critic doesn't work. Such funny rules do I have to do to silence my inner critic.

If someone yells at me in the traffic, I get really really mad and huffy. I have confidence in the car, but not anywhere else. So I find the car a sanctuary from my inner critic.
 
As I've been learning more about myself I've found my inner critic coming out more and more around family. Many of the bad comments they said to me as a child have carried on. Much of this is why I have yet to tell my mother how long it continued. I'm drawn on if it's true that my mother will not listen or just another thing rolling around in my head.

Although I think she truly would not listen. She is just that type and I know she is still being preened. Nothing I can do about the preening until he dies.

I often get a voice saying I'm worthless and why talk. No one will listen anyway. Anyone who does listen will just think your fibbing again. Because of these voices I stay quiet alot when I should be speaking up.

When I'm around the few people I trust I don't get those voices but it's been a long journey even with them.
 
I think that we always have this self talk dialogue going on in our head. Its either a caretaker or critic. When we have had repeated abuses, its often the critic-we blame ourselves-which turns into depression. Some people are going to be nasty. Given the traffic scenerio, there was a point when I would just go home crying. (whats wrong with me) That was my self critic. Then I got to the point that I got angry and upset. (fighting back) but still hurting myself as my blood pressure rose. I make a conscious effort to remind myself that when something like this happens-it often has nothing to do with me at all. My compassionate dialogue says (something awful must have happened to this person for them to be so upset about......They are injured to need to behave this way. I know what injury feels like.) I try to take nice deep breaths and praise myself for not reacting. (caretaker). I notice that Im not angry or self critical in response-or at least less angry or self critical. I try to notice how that feels. I even praise myself for the baby steps toward healing. Family is the toughest for me as well, nothing was ever good enough, alot of sibling jelousy, etc. Taking care of myself was called "selfish". Family doesnt always choose to get healthier but I found limiting time with family and seeking out healthier people to spend time with allowed me the practice I needed to be the compassionate caretaker I needed. After some years, the effects of family critic carried a lot less weight. This was a very good topic and has made me think about where I have slipped back to- following some more recent events.
 
If someone yells at me in public I automatically think, "if they are willing to verbally assault me then how many women prior to me and how many after me?" What am I willing to do make this person realize that this is just not OK and that if they ever do it again there will be consequences next time and then again and again. That I know how they are and that they are discovered.

I can see just the question alone takes me directly to my first trauma and I refuse to idly sit back while some abusive person frightens women and children by their raging.

I have and would speak up in various ways.

Rain
 
Typically, what a person says to me in the present doesn't mean as much to me consciously. If someone yells out their car window, "Idiot! Watch where you're going!" I may feel the verbal punch and it may take some time to get my equilibrium back but I don't just, de facto, believe that I'm an idiot.

Even on a bad day, I probably won't think, "Wow, I'm an idiot", but it will probably continue the emotional flashback/trigger and I may very well think, "God, I'm a loser - it never ends", as in, 'this situation is just one more place where I f*ck up' or even 'I can't protect myself from the ugliness/violence of the world'. Not that those actual words enter my consciousness, but I believe that that's the belief that's been activated.

I've heard some theories that tell people to fight and hate their inner critic, but I tend to follow the IFS (internal family systems) model that posits that every single part exists to help me and is trying to keep me safe, in its own way. For me, my inner critic is trying to make damned sure I don't make a mistake, that I don't ever again face that survival terror of being ousted from "the tribe". My inner critic is stuck in time, back at the age when I would have died without my 'tribe', but the fear/shame/pain is very real in the present and, it being a survival circuit, is a wire that is extremely sensitive to being tripped in me.

My Critic is related to the Drill Sergeant, the Tyrant and other various parts of my personality (I'm not DID, just aware that I have various 'parts' as we all do) and their main purpose in life is to keep me safe - even if their methods are outdated or painful, and their focus myopic. For me, it's when I activate the Self (that inner, authentic part of me that no trauma could ever touch) that those parts relax and quit trying so hard. It's only then that they trust that I won't be annihilated or destroyed by the unpredictable people and events of this world and they actually get to step back. Without the burden of roles taken on in childhood, their true natures are revealed: the Critic becomes Wise Discernment, the Drill Sergeant becomes a Coach/Cheerleader, and the Tyrant becomes Assertive/Boundary Protector.
 
Hi just me here!
Sometimes I nearly feel the same way. I have a very strong inner critic. Sometiomes it helps me. But mostly it is the voice of my mother who says "You are not trying hard enough!", "Look into the mirrow! Does a girl look like that? No one will ever marry you!". And it is the voice of the men who abused me. And I think everybody knows what happened to me and despises me. If I would not be such a stupid, terribly looking and so on woman, everybody would be polite. I often feel ashamed of myself.
When I perceive that I hurt myself by critcizing myself I think about my inner critic the following way: I think it is an arrogant figure that blows up herself. Then I imagine that this figure is just a rope that is formed like a blown up figure. And I take the rope. The inner critic talks insistently to me. I listen to her and talk to her: "Thank you for being part of myself. You often show me, what's wrong. But I don't think you are right at the moment now. Please stop talking to me like that. I need somebody who encourages me because I feel bad and ashamed of myself. Can you help me?" And if she does not stop talking to me like that I pull the rope and the inner critic vanishes. Sometimes this imagination helps me to be a little bit more meciful to myself.
Fireball
 
My Inner Critic is ruthless and insatiable. I hate it.

I think it also works with my 'Inner Paranoia' to convince me that everyone is laughing at me and that I deserve it because I am 'not of worth.'
 
Thanks everyone. I getso much from hearing the opinions of fellow sufferers, you guys validate my growing confidence that I have finally found a diagnosis I can own and a plan I can follow.

I talked to my T about this yesterday and we kind of settled on the model of creating a third entity to keep the peace. I really like the plan. Brat 17 has the "caretaker", Dylan shared his "boundary protector" with us, I am developing the idea of my inner "gavel banger". Maybe I can establish a little parlimentary procedure between my inner critic and myself, silencing the courtroom and allowing all of the interested parties a chance to speak.

When my father (my inner critic voicing my fathers criticisms) says: "You don't have a chance in this life if you can't even apply yourself to keeping a job and taking on responsibilities" my inner self will stand and say "objection, your honor, the critic is making false accusations that are proven false by my 23 years on the same job and my advance from entry level pay to journeyman status in two fields". " Objection sustained", and a big old slam on the gavel just to put an exclamayion point on it.
 
I like the idea of having a 'courtroom' in my head. Instead of trying to silence or ignore my inner critic (and failing miserably at that) maybe I'll try listening to it, and then proving where it is wrong. Then I can see how much I really am capable of. Thanks for the idea JustMeHere!
 
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