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New Here
I feel like I'm never enough and never will be. I make a mistake and my first thought is well that's because all you do is mess things up. Someone leaves my life and I think it's all my fault, the guilt overwhelms me and I immediately get drawn to self destructive means. I want to be able to lose people and not lose myself. Someone treats me badly and I think that's what I deserve, it takes a lot of convincing in therapy and reassurance that it's okay to be upset, before I stand up for myself. Sometimes the injustices are so great I lose my temper. I get so mad I dissociate then, I black out and forget everything that happens. I don't know if I have other personalities. Bcuz for me I just have this one version of myself that's strong and reckless that protects me when I'm vulnerable. It's also the version of me that hates me too. I put all my bad sides into it to run away from myself. But, when I get really scared, or triggered some other version of me is in charge when I dissociate. It's been a long time since I've seen that version of me. Ever since I left that horrible home and stopped being constantly in fear of my life. But anger triggers it, overwhelming self hatred, and panic attacks.
Yes 💯. But not okay to punish yourself for feeling upset, or for any feelings really. You have lots of examples of punishing yourself. Any strategies for self acceptance or self forgiveness?
My childhood taught me that my emotions are bothersome and ruin everything. So I try to feel nothing at all. And I've never tried acceptance
But anger triggers it, overwhelming self hatred, and panic attacks.

this was the very observation by which i was finally able to make headway in my self-loathing cycles with "anger channeling." learning how to recognize and channel that initial burst of anger allowed me to head off the chain reactions into self-loathing, etc. after decades of working the anger channeling tools, these days i can observe and channel with enough efficiency that the people around me don't even notice the anger burst. i can even flaunt my humanity by making mistakes without punishing myself endlessly for felonies as horrid as putting salt in my morning coffee. i can keep the SNAFUs as simple as spit, dump, start over.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

gentle support while you find what works for you.
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