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Insomnia Yet Again...rant

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Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
So, I haven't really slept much since Tuesday. That's the day I slept all day, having dreams where my unconscious was talking to me (according to T). I think I'm triggered the f*ck out. I'm going on, like, 4 hours of sleep, and am on my second beer, so sorry if I start rambling.

I'm residing in my dad's office in my parents' house. Have been here for about 4 months now. The problem is, this house triggers me very badly because of a situation that happened over a span of 2 years, about 15 years ago. My parents are ok, but mom especially triggers a lot of my issues concerning a Christian cult I grew up in...she's still enamored with it, but I got out. My mom does not understand the harm of what she's studying, but it seems to keep her happy, so I don't push too much.

I lost my job about 2 months ago, and lost my vehicle insurance soon after that simply because I can't afford it anymore. So now I'm literally stuck in a highly triggering environment. I can't find any work in this area that I can actually do, and every time I ask my parents to take me to an appointment (they don't want me driving, I'm not on the list of approved drivers) I get a lot of attitude, general kvetching, and gladhanding from person to person. Its gotten to where I feel like such a burden to everyone here, and I've still managed to pay almost all my bills myself!

What makes this situation even worse is the bug infestation. I hate bugs, I'm a fastidious housekeeper, but my mother is not. The whole house is infested with bedbugs, small roaches, and other creepy-crawlies that find themselves inside through one of the myriad holes in the house. I've managed to keep the office mostly bug-free, but bedbugs have taken up residence in my netbook keyboard, and it creeps me out. Tonight, I had finally almost managed to talk my brain into slowing down enough to sleep (at 2 in the am) when I felt something stab my face....a long, hard-shelled bug with pincers was crawling near my EYE!!!! I freaked out, got up and killed it, but can't sleep again...I hate this place, I need to find a way out of here!

T says I need out so I can get some real sleep. He says I can't make any progress if I can't sleep, and I agree with him. I want out so badly!! But need to work enough to support myself, and I don't see that happening anytime soon. O well. If there is one thing I learned well in that cult, its how to long endure the unendurable. At least this time I have alcohol, and if need be, meds to help me sleep. Wish me luck!
 
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