Cypress
Silver Member
After a year of being off work, and very intensive trauma therapy, I have managed to integrate all of the split off sides of my personality. So I am whole supposedly. I hold all of my memories, I know it happened to me. I know all of the feelings are mine. I no longer feel like "we", no longer have voices in my head that feel like other entities, no longer lose time.
This should be a remarkable achievement but it has truly been hell. I now have what feels like the worst case of PTSD ever experienced. Dissociation protected me from awareness of triggers, flashbacks and overwhelming emotions. I was calmer and more high functioning as a narrow-bandwidth dissociative than I am now as a full-bandwidth person who is completely disabled by complex PTSD.
My therapist says that this is actually a healthier state and points to all of the ways I have been able to increase intimacy in personal relationships, repair bonds and on very good days: feel joy.
I am a lot less lonely - that is the one thing I do notice but it's come at a cost.
Has anyone else had this experience? Does it get better?
This should be a remarkable achievement but it has truly been hell. I now have what feels like the worst case of PTSD ever experienced. Dissociation protected me from awareness of triggers, flashbacks and overwhelming emotions. I was calmer and more high functioning as a narrow-bandwidth dissociative than I am now as a full-bandwidth person who is completely disabled by complex PTSD.
My therapist says that this is actually a healthier state and points to all of the ways I have been able to increase intimacy in personal relationships, repair bonds and on very good days: feel joy.
I am a lot less lonely - that is the one thing I do notice but it's come at a cost.
Has anyone else had this experience? Does it get better?