Intense Emotions after Sex


When I don't dissociate sex, I experience extreme anxiety and fear afterwards. Fear he's going to leave. Fear I did something wrong, that I let myself feel it, so he's going to be grossed out by me. It's intense and I never know what to do with it. Trying to be physically closer to him sometimes helps, but as soon as that's over its way worse again. Any one else?

My past is complicated with multiple sexual assualts from multiple men. Due to that, sex has always been complicated for me. After a lot of early assaults of multiple different kinds, I had a very intense hyper-sexual state as a late teen. That honestly clouds the situation as I found myself (somewhat purposefully) in situations with men that would "by the book" be defined as more assaults. The cloudy side of it being that I felt, and at times still feel, as though I consented if not encouraged it at times. So whether I feel those were or weren't assualts changes frequently.

That state started ending with the start of my current relationship nearly 14 years ago. We were both crazy, young, sex-driven, hormonal teenagers with very little supervision, so the sex didn't stop, it just changed and was now more age appropriate than it'd ever been. There were some issues for me PTSD-wise already surrounding the most violent of my assaults but in general sex was the most typical I believe it has ever been for me during that time. My PTSD symptoms in general were less then too. By some miracle we managed to hold off on the first pregnancy until age 19, and that's when a lot changed.

After my first child was born, PTSD really came to the forefront. Sex was a huge problem. I had a complicated child birth and damage that seemed to almost over heal and it made things so painful. How we ever got pregnant with 2nd child is beyond me because sex was horrible. I didn't want sex, if I did it hurt and caused so much dissociation and resentment that I had a lot of issues even completed it. I was too afraid to get help from anyone. We lived that way, having sex very infrequently for pretty much the last 11 years. How we ended up with more kids really is beyond me, but honestly involved a lot of substances prior to the intercourse which made it bearable.

Well kid 3 is now a year old. His birth seemed to painfully correct whatever issues I had going on chronically down there, so no more pain! He is our last kid, quite permanently, and I'm also currently doing the most therapy I've ever done. T has been really encouraging an improved relationship between myself and partner. We've been together 14 years but T feels we are more roommates and co-parents than we are truly in a committed relationship. He isn't entirely wrong with those thoughts.

Due to that I am attempting to increase the sex time. I feel like we are connecting better and joking around more like we used to, but man that time immediately afterwards is terrible! Anyone else? Anything that helped?


Sorry for what you have been through and are going through.
My brief story: CSA and CSE. Re-enacted it early adulthood. Blocked it out. Been with partner 17 years. Started therapy just over a year ago about it all. Wasn't having sex for a few months during therapy as partner's parents both died and she wasn't feeling it for Those months (obviously). So now we have started having sex again since September. And now: I cry after sex each time. This never happened before. It is quite destressing. Intense feelings and can't control it. Confusing and upsetting.

My T says it's totally understandable. I'm now bringing out the feelings from childhood. And that my child part doesn't feel safe in sex.

What's working for me is: trying to breathe. Trying to remember I'm in the here and now. Trying to be ok with the feelings. Last session my T asked me to imagine what it would have been like to not have had my past and respond to sex (last week there was a particular thing that really set me off after sex). And it made me realise that if I hadn't had that trauma, o would have just been able to have a normal conversation. It put the feelings totally into the context of trauma response and helped me to realise that. Seems a simple and obvious thing: but I needed that spelt out to me.

Do you have therapy?


Is it possible to talk about it with your partner? Personally, I really do need to keep close for 10 minutes or something and put the blanket on because the sweat getting cold triggers the horrible sensation of void. I need to be warm and reassured. After that I just can’t resume with my life, or I go to sleep with the person or I have to have a tea or some sweet collective activity. It’s quite difficult to transmit that to certain partners.


Talking with your partner is a really good idea. And if you know what you need from them during these feelings, if you are able to let them know that?

Totally get that there are so many things to talk about in therapy. Maybe mentioning that there is this issue and then working with your T about how or when you want to make time to talk about it with them? The priority of what you want to talk about might change each session depending on how you're feeling?


That has happened to me before too, and i am glad that i am looking at this topic because i know this is something that I would ever wish for anyone, enough therapy and working out would help me to get over associating myself with bad negative past experiences