Intense Fear Of Someone Finding It

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
I'm looking for others who experience this as well. I have such an intense fear of someone coming across videos or pictures of my CSA on the internet. I don't know if it was ever posted online, I just know that photos and videos were taken. It causes me anxiety on a daily basis, it doesn't go away ever. I started to share this fear with T on Monday, but since little came out the fear and anxiety around this has intensified. Like her fear of this is worse than my own.

Does anyone else out there have these kind of fears? Why does it make you scared/anxious?
 

Friday

Moderator
My then-husband came home from school one day with a recruiting poster with me on it. It was a live action shot, and I'd had no idea it had been taken. The moment I saw it I remembered the whole damn day. The whole mission. The everything, everything, everything. It blew my compartmentalization wide open. Major flashback, panic attack, and I lost a few days I think I managed to pass off as being sick. I then proceeded to go rip every single one of the recruiting posters off the walls of the University that I could find. Shredded them. Binned them. I was a little out of my damned mind.

Why the fear? Exposure.

I couldn't let anyone see me that way. Because I couldn't bear to see myself that way. It didn't exist. It didn't happen. No one must know. Put the monster back in the box. I'm a Volvo driving soccer mom, dammit. And I'm fine. That was another life. Not my life. My life is giggling on the floor with puppies and babies and baking cookies. Not that.

I am slowly learning how to integrate the two. Yup. So that happened, and I happened, and I'm still the same damn person. All the different chapters of my life are in the same book. Not easy going. I've spent a helluva long time running away.

I'd still probably freak if I came across the poster. I have a hard enough time not flipping over my graduation photo whenever I'm at my parents. Shame.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Yes, absolutely. Not daily, as you describe - though the thought crosses my mind at least once a day - I go through phases where I'm extremely paranoid about it. Why? Honestly, I'm not sure - but I guess I'd throw back, why do you wonder why - do you think knowing would help get rid of it, in some way? I think, for me, it's probably something to do with shame...but the bigger shame is in the memory of the acts, so I just work on those.

Might be different for me though, in that it was not child sexual abuse - I was 13 and it was a kidnapping. Scenes were staged specifically to be photographed and filmed. I identify with it as child pornography that I am a part of.
 
i...*know* there are videos of me on the internet...there were plenty taken...ugh...pictures too...
i wrote about it in my trauma diary...
"the guilt of being filmed, the complete and utter shame of it being posted for others to see."
...it's not a fear i have, it's a fact i can barly live with..
when im outside in the world, i am to scared that ppl have seen it...they will judge me...or they will be the type of people who will hurt me...
i dunno...
i just know im out there...on display...i dont know where, i dont wanna know where...i hope they dont exist anymore...
 

MT Johnny

Confident
Yup, my trauma was different too, but the fear of being "found out" was very intense, something I am trying to work through.

The real issue is that the fear takes on life if it's own, it is often bigger than the reality of the situation. It's hard but helpful I think to ask what is the real-world worst case scenario impact on your life versus what you make it out to be in you dark thoughts.
 
Maybe a thought to make you feel better ... I know that my adult aelf looks nothing lien my child self. People often can't pick me out of family photographs since I've changed so much. So, perhaps this is the same with you? Chances are that no one would even be able to recognize you anyways.

I'm not trying to be dismissive. This sort of stuff is absolutely terrifying and awful. I wish I had a real solution to offer.
 

MT Johnny

Confident
Also, why would anyone with any humanity hold it against the victim of CSA? The people looking at that stuff online are perverts and criminals, literally, in the US and in Canada and probably the entire industrialized world.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by / anyone who would victimize a child in that way is the worst kind of predator and deserves life in prison and eternity in Hell.

You were a child and an innocent victim - survive, live, thrive and hold your head up high as you deserve to.
 

Chaotic

Confident
I think about it often enough. I have no proof that any pictures or videos were ever taken of me and yet I know there are situations where I think it happened. It is a terrifying thought. I don't like to be noticed in real life, let alone be in pictures and videos for millions of others to see.

I'm so sorry you (and all of you others that posted) have this fear as well.
 

MT Johnny

Confident
If there are pictures and videos, wouldnt' it be a criminal matter, as possession of child pornography/sexual images of children under the age of consent is a serious felony? Is there any way law enforcement could help?
 

Saria

Confident
I was a victim of child grooming, and I too worry that pictures of me has been uploaded somewhere on the internet. It's a digusting thought, and I haven't really found a good way of dealing with it. Though I try to think that it would be highly unlikely that someone I know would come across them, since I guess you'd then have to deliberately search for child pornography. But it still bothers me, and I don't exactly want to be a part of some peadophile's collection either for that matter. I realize I'm not being very helpful here. But maybe the fear will decrease over time? It has for me, at least a little bit. The pictures were taken more than 10 years ago, and I don't think about it as often now as i used to. I also try to think "What's the worst thing that could happen?" ,and it would without doubt be painfully shameful if someone came across the pictures, and i would probably feel like I'd die of shame for some time. But even then, I've learned that even though feelings can hurt like hell, they aren't dangerous. And I'm safe now, so the worst part is over, and shouldn't haunt me anymore.

why would anyone with any humanity hold it against the victim of CSA?

And this sure is a very good point! It's just hard to believe sometimes when you're blinded with fear/guilt/embarassment, so it's a good reminder.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@MT Johnny for me I know pictures and videos were taken, I've seen them in my abusers possession, that is not an unknown. What is unknown is whether or not he kept them to himself or shared them with others. The ages when these were taken are after I lost the standard little kid look. It is a shame thing for me, being seen in that state. It's not something I want anyone else having power over me for, I feel powerless around people who have seen the aftermath of the abuse (scars) or know the dirty details (my T is an exception). It would be nice to trust the police to do something if I told them about the pictures and videos, but that means that they would actually after to do their job (I've tried reporting 3 or 4 times), plus then THEY would see me like that as well.
 
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