Intensive Therapy Suggestions

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How does one progress past the discovery stage with intensive therapy?

On a Wednesday of last month, I was acting weird. I asked my friend randomly if she had ever been assaulted even though our conversation didn't remind me or call it. Then later that day I took edibles of marijuana, got high, and things became even weirder. I stated I had to change my shorts, despite wearing jeans at the time, because what I thought I was wearing was inappropriate. My privates had hurt on and off again, and it kept feeling as if I was sitting on something with plastic. It was specifically plastic. I thought it had to be a chair. Then out of nowhere, the memory came. I had flashes of images of being raped by, what I previously only thought was my groomer with a strap-on. Even though I was under the influence of cannabis I don't think this was fake. The image wasn't suggested it came out of nowhere. As well as the look seeming real, it had a frosty overlook around the edges which was different from images I would create for fun. I also had body memories of the sex toy hurting me.

The following Friday I got high again and the frosted images came back. However, I had evidence to compare my previous memory to a real one. I verified the color of the religious building she took me to. I verified the local mall she use to prize me with after the abuse. All of these vivid memories happened with the same frost look when I was high. So even though correlations don’t always mean facts, I simply assume that the memory where she assaults me with a sex toy is real. My friend suggested I go to a sibling and after talking with her it gave me more confirmation. She explained seeing me being forced into a room alone with her where none of my other siblings were allowed to enter or they would’ve gotten in trouble. She also mentioned the grooming of special treatment the abuser gave me and not my siblings who also stayed at the house.

With all this information I went to the police. Since this is an anonymous form and I'm listing any names or key details I don't think she can hurt me with defamation use or for publishing an active investigation. Though the fear of her hurting me is prominent. The scare tactics she can use, and her coming after me seems like a real fear. It doesn't help that I'm still a people pleaser.

I also had a few more memories while in therapy and by myself. The former happened during EMDR and an instance where the abuser and I were sleeping in the same bed and she raises my oversized shirt. The latter memory by myself happened at the end of last month while again on cannabis since it eases my defenses and allows my subconscious to come through. My abuser held my arms down at the wrists to stop me from squirming. Then she performed oral sex on me. With this memory, I remember the TV was on in the background. I also had body memories of tinging in between my legs. Also of feeling like I'm numb down there and that I was trickling blood. I also had a burning feeling in my privates and a feeling as if someone was pushing against my upper thigh.

With the latest memory about oral sex, I'm afraid to tell the detective about my case. But my main question. How do I recover? I discovered the abuse but my emotions still seem numb. What do I need to do in intensive therapy? What has your trauma therapist done to help in your recovery?
my amnesia therapy was before the ptsd theories had coalesced (70's thru 90's) but intensive therapy was not recommended for my own case. emerging memories are quite vulnerable to power of suggestion and self-gaslighting that we unpacked the emerging memories slowly to give ample time for the processing and sorting fact from fiction. there were no specialized trauma therapists back then.

but that is me with echoes from way back in the last millennium.

steadying support while you sort your own case here in the 21st century.
How does one progress past the discovery stage with intensive therapy?
I will let you know when I get there.......two or three years now and still, when reprocessing, I feel like a zombie. It's how it works that really is the worst part of EMDR.
Think of it like this:
- your brain is a single thread, linear processor.
- when something gets stuck and cant process it goes to back up systems, which are old and clunky.
- when you do EMDR it gets the processor unstuck and allows it to process.
- as its processing, your brain is changing records. EMDR doesn't change the memory, it changes how you feel about the memory. so when its reprocessing it's changing how you feel in every memory associated with trauma.

While that stuff is doing it's thing - my T and I talk. And I get to figure out things. A lot of stuff comes after reprocessing when the PTSD amnesia fog rolls back. I know my T makes lots of notes in those sessions. There's lots of dark and tangled stuff underneath everything else, where secondary damage was done because my brain couldn't deal with what was going on - dissociation.

Somehow - for me, theres still more to clean up, and I haven't really dealt with more than the first trauma and it's affects.

Everyone is different. Everyone's trauma is different. Everyone deals with it different. Everyone processes things different. Getting better is a process. That and I have a quote by a famous psychologist I know to be absolutely true, and thats not what I want any more.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
― C.G. Jung
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