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Internal Family System (IFS) - Protector part sabotages my life

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HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
So I think I have a protector that is sabotaging my efforts at experiencing healthy attachment.

It becomes very angry very easily.

In my therapy last visit, the therapist wanted me to move into the feeling of a recent triggering event and I felt myself start to dissociate. So I grabbed the weighted blanket and tried again.

The thing is, I am so exhausted from fighting everything and everyone that wants to love me. Or fighting when things become calm and safe. And I don't know how to stop.

I think according to IFS I shouldn't think of the protector as sabotaging my life because it is created to help. It is there to serve a higher purpose.

But I am so tired of trying to create things and then re-creating them. My poor partner. I am so damn controlling and can't tolerate last minute changes to the schedule. I really don't want him to have to cater to me this much but I don't know another way. You can't see new things from the same level as the problem.

What do you do about your protector parts?
 
The same way I deal with other bodied people, where safety precautions & plans be concerned.

Ask the Does anybody have a better idea of tackling this / What danger do you see I don't in this action.

Modify my own based on that input.

Or do it anyway, but then I don't got the right to tell them to shush it if they go with, Told You So.

With partner concerns? Telling them. Being frank about everything we can, and no lies for bullshit reasons, were kind of a beginning to relation dealbreaker, so rules I stick to.
 
Try talking to the protector part.

Ask how it feels.

Ask what it wants.

Ask what it needs.

And then, try to give the protector part what you can. Tell the protector that you, the adult self, can handle things.

Of course this is all very simplified.

I have a few IFS books that guide me.
 
So I think I have a protector that is sabotaging my efforts at experiencing healthy attachment.

It becomes very angry very easily.

In my therapy last visit, the therapist wanted me to move into the feeling of a recent triggering event and I felt myself start to dissociate. So I grabbed the weighted blanket and tried again.

The thing is, I am so exhausted from fighting everything and everyone that wants to love me. Or fighting when things become calm and safe. And I don't know how to stop.

I think according to IFS I shouldn't think of the protector as sabotaging my life because it is created to help. It is there to serve a higher purpose.

But I am so tired of trying to create things and then re-creating them. My poor partner. I am so damn controlling and can't tolerate last minute changes to the schedule. I really don't want him to have to cater to me this much but I don't know another way. You can't see new things from the same level as the problem.

What do you do about your protector parts?

@HealingMama I make deals with my parts, and have internal conversations letting them know I'm safe and they don't need to protect me. Give your protector a different job....something to look forward to, or a distraction. You can also create a safe place where it can watch out for other child parts, while you are doing adult stuff. I have to communicate directly with the parts to make headway, and make "deals" with them. My protective parts are childlike in their behavior so they are easily bribed. You might try bribery-give you X amount of time without interuption and at 9:00 you'll treat them to having popsicles or popcorn and an appropriate movie. Cutting grass on my riding lawn mower is usually a great reward.
 
A non-IFS-parts answer, if you’re interested.

But I am so tired of trying to create things and then re-creating them. My poor partner. I am so damn controlling and can't tolerate last minute changes to the schedule. I really don't want him to have to cater to me this much but I don't know another way. You can't see new things from the same level as the problem.

I operate on the predicitble is preventable line of reasoning.

NOT in the fairy-tale make-believe land of making things happen just by wanting them to happen (I won’t get angry, I won’t get controlling, I won’t overreact, etc.)... but by knowing I WILL get angry, controlling, and reactionary... and working around that.

1. What is it?
2. What don’t I like about it?
3. How can I alter that effect (or series of effects?)

So if what I don’t like about getting angry is it’s effects on the people around me? My solution needs to include that. It does zero good to stalk off slamming doors to go beat the hell out of a punching bag, instead of lashing out at the person themselves, because that’s STILL affecting the hell out of them. It may do a whole helluva lot for managing my temper, but if he part I’m directly looking at is it’s effects on others? I need to back up a couple steps and also not be glaring, stomping, slamming shit around on my way to go blow off steam. Mind my affect and actions for the 8 seconds it takes me to exit stage left. 8 whole seconds of self control is not impossible. It can be done. So I need to teach myself to do that.

Ditto control issues. (And every other thing in my life that has effects I don’t like.) I look at what it is, what I don’t like about it, and tweak different solutions. One trick I employ with control freakishness, fairly often, is parallel play. Since I KNOW I’m going to want to start messing with what someone else is doing? I give myself the exact same (or same kind of) task to do to my own satisfaction. I can even get playful and competitive about it :sneaky: ... which is infinitely better (ie how I want to live) than nagging and micromanaging. :wtf: Another trick is improvisation. So f*cking what the green peppers aren’t cut the way I want them? How can I make the peppers work??? Voila. It’s just become a challenge for me to accomplish instead of a mistake for me to correct. Meanwhile another is to take a step back and think about how I like to be treated if I did something someone else didn’t like? Would I want someone else to treat me the way I’m treating them? If so? Carry on. If not? Check myself.

The wicked hot temper & massive control issues? Are just a part of who I am. They’re not going to change. While they MAY change, gradually over time, they’re a fact of life right here and now. So I work around them. Snicker. Which has garnered me an absolutely undeserved reputation for patience and easy goingness. I have virtually neither. So it cracks me the hell up (as well as the people who know me bestest). It’s NOT that I don’t get angry, and am not a control freak. It’s IS that I’m very much aware of these things, and redirect them to suit myself. Which is an upshot to BEING a control freak ;)
 
I agree with what Eve wrote. mple. You may find after a little conversation you will natural affection and very proud of your protector part, or some kind compassion and be ready to let them do something else for a change, like finally after all these years to take break and go play. this keyboard isn't working too well, pardon the bad writing/typos.
 
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