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Childhood Internet sexual abuse?

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JaceM

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Lately, I've been thinking and wondering if I truly am traumatized or if it's really nothing at all, I talked to my doctor awhile ago and I wasn't able to tell them because I truly believe everyone will say it doesn't matter and do the same thing that this person did to me.

It started at 9 and I had a gaming console that you could play games and talk to people online with I met this guy on a game called PlayStation Home and the only thing I remember is that he was 14 and he asked if we could date and I asked him what he met then he asked me to strip on camera for him and he explained it to me since I didn't really know I remember doing this almost every night for him a couple of times my dad walked in on me but I don't think he noticed at all but I was scared.

And then I met this guys bother online somehow but I don't remember he was around 20 and I don't remember what he made me do but afterwards he wanted to come to my house I got scared and blocked him after that I don't remember how but I ended up stripping for other men that were 17 to 40 years old.

The last one I remember was in his 40s and he convinced me to shove a pen inside of me and a remote and when I got scared from the pain it was causing he started threatening me, calling me names, and told me that if I didn't do it he would tell everyone what I was doing. I don't remember anything after that.

Anyway fast forward when I was 11 I met a girl online who was really a guy she said her name was Katey who was 17 years old I honestly don't remember what or how but she constantly tricked me, taught me about sexual things and violence including self harm while at the same time I was being bullied online and also had to deal with toxic parents at home.

All of these things have seemed to have impact on my life and I'm just now noticing I'm almost 19 and haven't gotten over these things I have these panic attack episodes, obsessive thoughts about sex and how ugly my body is, feeling as if I need to seek out an abusive relationship again, etc...

I just don't think it's possible that I have trauma from something that happened over the internet as a kid I mean that's what some people tells me so why am I like this now? Why don't I just get over it? A couple of days ago I confronted this guy that played as Katey and he told me it never even happened and he invited me to a group chat where his friends made fun of me and commented on my body and my scars.

I feel like he's right it's been years and it was over the internet we were kids so it really doesn't matter anymore.
 
Hey @JaceM - it does matter, because you matter.

Do you have a therapist? Who have you got supporting you right now?

I'm really concerned you're still in contact with one of your abusers. Why does he still have access to you?
 
Hey @JaceM - it does matter, because you matter.

Do you have a therapist? Who have you got supporting you right now?

I'm really concerned you're still in contact with one of your abusers. Why does he still have access to you?
I'm the one who contacted them because I really hate him and I wanted him to know how much it hurts but of course he did the same thing all over again and had his friends tell me it wasn't true and make fun of my body so I just left. I don't plan on contacting him again. I should be getting a therapist soon now.
 
I just don't think it's possible that I have trauma from something that happened over the internet as a kid I mean that's what some people tells me so why am I like this now?
There’s a mighty big difference between what can affect adults, and kids; as well as how they’re affected.

Sexually exploiting children? Can, and often does, happen at a distance. Whether it’s 2020 and adults telling kids to do sexual things on camera, or 1820 and adults telling a kid to do sexual things on the stage above the saloon/bar.

Sexually exploiting children? Often has severe, lasting, and complicated effects.
I feel like he's right
Take a step back and think about this one, for a moment... The world view of someone who sexually assaults/abuses/exploits children? Is not a world view you want to give a shit about, much less adopt.

If anyone else came to you (SuzyQ or DannyO) and said they asked their rapist for their views on rape, and they feel like he’s right; it IS all their fault, and shouldn’t a big deal... so why should SuzyQ or DannyO talk to an expert/therapist/someone who wants to help them, when their rapist has already said they shouldn’t need help.... would you be all f*ck that noise! Why are you taking your rapist’s word about jack shit??? Much less how to best live your life??? OF COURSE it wasn’t your fault, it IS a big deal, and you tooooootally deserve help! Your rapist & his opinions can f*ck right off!

Someone who rapes someone else? Loses any right to an opinion or say about their victim’s life, or how they live it. Their opinion about how their victim should anything is total bullshit.

Someone who sexually exploits a child? Loses any right to an opinion or say about their victim’s life, or how they live it. Their opinion about how their victim should anything is total bullshit.
 
There’s a mighty big difference between what can affect adults, and kids; as well as how they’re affected.

Sexually exploiting children? Can, and often does, happen at a distance. Whether it’s 2020 and adults telling kids to do sexual things on camera, or 1820 and adults telling a kid to do sexual things on the stage above the saloon/bar.

Sexually exploiting children? Often has severe, lasting, and complicated effects.

Take a step back and think about this one, for a moment... The world view of someone who sexually assaults/abuses/exploits children? Is not a world view you want to give a shit about, much less adopt.

If anyone else came to you (SuzyQ or DannyO) and said they asked their rapist for their views on rape, and they feel like he’s right; it IS all their fault, and shouldn’t a big deal... so why should SuzyQ or DannyO talk to an expert/therapist/someone who wants to help them, when their rapist has already said they shouldn’t need help.... would you be all f*ck that noise! Why are you taking your rapist’s word about jack shit??? Much less how to best live your life??? OF COURSE it wasn’t your fault, it IS a big deal, and you tooooootally deserve help! Your rapist & his opinions can f*ck right off!

Someone who rapes someone else? Loses any right to an opinion or say about their victim’s life, or how they live it. Their opinion about how their victim should anything is total bullshit.

Someone who sexually exploits a child? Loses any right to an opinion or say about their victim’s life, or how they live it. Their opinion about how their victim should anything is total bullshit.
I see, I never really thought of it that way, I just thought it didn't really count as trauma and I deserved it though I don't believe it's anyone else's fault.
 
Even if it were wholely & utterly your fault... (which nope. Rape ain't. But let's accept it for argument's sake.)

That doesn't mean you deserve it.

And, even deserved & earned punishment? If that's cultures whose rules you roll by?

Doesn't mean it should be executed.
Or in a manner they do it.

//

You were a kid.
Who wanted to play games.

Anything beyond that is on him.
As that's not playing games.
Just straight up COCSA.

I get the age difference might make it confusing.
But sounds he knew all too well what he doing.
He messed with a way younger girl, who was new to both gaming & peopling, to exploit her.
Days on end straight.
Yeah, that's on him.

Not on you in any way.
Not your fault you didn't get it.

You had a right for safe & fun & age appropriate playing games.

And to not be hurt much less violated like that while you are doing a completely healthy thing kids do. Play.

ETA Oh, wait. I even misread, reading you were 9 the first person 14.

And then I read it got so multi people & many adults even. I'm so sorry.

It's wholely & solely on them even when they were 14, just different for by then, they are still a kid.

But those that were 20? The like?
No mitigating circumstances.
Just a straight up child rapist.
No way on you.
 
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