tender_heart13
New Here
Hey everyone,
BACKSTORY:
I've been a caretaker to my husband for over 5 years since he's discharged from the marine core, he is a white man and I am a black woman. He has severe PTSD and distrusts the majority of people from his experiences at war as well as his experiences with other soldiers.
Within the past year, he's told me lots of stuff that has been.... difficult to hear. Specifically about all the very aggressive and violent racist stuff that his sniper platoon participated in. One particular story that gives an example of the nuances of our situation: His sniper platoon (largely white) had an ongoing group chat and anytime they saw someone in an interracial relationship with a white person, they would take pictures of them and draw crosshairs and targets on the people's heads as if they were going to snipe them.
My spouse has never deeply questioned the horrible racism that he's witnessed in the military until he dated and then married me. Since we've been together he has cut ties with at least 4 people who have refused to stop saying racist things towards me; his own mom outright said to him, "I just don't get along with black women" and his brother who said, "Why doesn't she move somewhere shes welcome like Detroit?" and ironically, one of his black military buddies who lets his white spouse calls him and their children the N-word as a "term of endearment" (she also called me the same word.) When my spouse tried to explain to all of these people why it was inappropriate to talk to me this way, there was a variety of excuses and a continuation of the behaviors.
TLDR SKIP TO TODAY:
Today when we were driving, in the middle of talking about his frustration and depression, he announced "I have no one, and because of you I had to cut everyone off." This hurt me because I can not control if other people do not accept me. And I've made a conscious effort to speak to his family that DOES accept me (2 couples of extended family), which was difficult because I didn't trust the majority of his family after his mother and brothers were so nasty to me. I feel triggered and sad, my mother is Asian (with a racist mom/family) and both of us were rejected by her family when I was born. But at the same time I year for him to have familial support because I am his sole caretaker and supporter (aside from his 4 cousins who live an hour away)
Any advice on how to genuinely and sensitively address this topic? Are any of yall experiencing similar intersections? And no "color blind" advice people, pretending race doesn't exist doesn't prevent racism, it just ignores it.
ALSO, there was one more person he "cut off" after me. It was his highschool best friend, the longest best friend he's had. It wasn't anything particularly racist. Instead the friend beat up his wife, and then a few months later stole 3 grand for us ("sold" us a car, took the money and the car.) He told me in the car that he would still talk to this friend if it wasn't for me, but I had to put my foot down after the woman beating and stealing money from us.
BACKSTORY:
I've been a caretaker to my husband for over 5 years since he's discharged from the marine core, he is a white man and I am a black woman. He has severe PTSD and distrusts the majority of people from his experiences at war as well as his experiences with other soldiers.
Within the past year, he's told me lots of stuff that has been.... difficult to hear. Specifically about all the very aggressive and violent racist stuff that his sniper platoon participated in. One particular story that gives an example of the nuances of our situation: His sniper platoon (largely white) had an ongoing group chat and anytime they saw someone in an interracial relationship with a white person, they would take pictures of them and draw crosshairs and targets on the people's heads as if they were going to snipe them.
My spouse has never deeply questioned the horrible racism that he's witnessed in the military until he dated and then married me. Since we've been together he has cut ties with at least 4 people who have refused to stop saying racist things towards me; his own mom outright said to him, "I just don't get along with black women" and his brother who said, "Why doesn't she move somewhere shes welcome like Detroit?" and ironically, one of his black military buddies who lets his white spouse calls him and their children the N-word as a "term of endearment" (she also called me the same word.) When my spouse tried to explain to all of these people why it was inappropriate to talk to me this way, there was a variety of excuses and a continuation of the behaviors.
TLDR SKIP TO TODAY:
Today when we were driving, in the middle of talking about his frustration and depression, he announced "I have no one, and because of you I had to cut everyone off." This hurt me because I can not control if other people do not accept me. And I've made a conscious effort to speak to his family that DOES accept me (2 couples of extended family), which was difficult because I didn't trust the majority of his family after his mother and brothers were so nasty to me. I feel triggered and sad, my mother is Asian (with a racist mom/family) and both of us were rejected by her family when I was born. But at the same time I year for him to have familial support because I am his sole caretaker and supporter (aside from his 4 cousins who live an hour away)
Any advice on how to genuinely and sensitively address this topic? Are any of yall experiencing similar intersections? And no "color blind" advice people, pretending race doesn't exist doesn't prevent racism, it just ignores it.
ALSO, there was one more person he "cut off" after me. It was his highschool best friend, the longest best friend he's had. It wasn't anything particularly racist. Instead the friend beat up his wife, and then a few months later stole 3 grand for us ("sold" us a car, took the money and the car.) He told me in the car that he would still talk to this friend if it wasn't for me, but I had to put my foot down after the woman beating and stealing money from us.