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Intimacy Issues with Wife

  • Thread starter Desperate4Answers
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Desperate4Answers

I really hope this is not too graphic, but have exhausted all my other options for information.

I (33M) am having intimacy issues creating a fear of sex and orgasms. I suffer from military related PTSD not related in any way to sexual trauma (I only mention since googling the issue assumes sexual trauma as the cause). When my wife and I try to have sex, I need a pill just to keep an erection. That is fine but when things move forward and I feel like I am starting to build towards orgasm, something changes and I get extremely high anxiety and sometimes a panic attack/flash back resulting in me stopping immediately and unable to continue. I have intense shame over the issue and want nothing more than to start moving in a positive direction with the problem. I haven’t been able to orgasm with my wife in almost two years. I daydream about being able to have sex like we used to, wanting to believe that this can get better.

I hope someone here can help with recommendations. I have searched high and low and am unable to find a solution short of a sex therapist, which I cannot afford.
 
Sorry you’re dealing with that. I don’t have PTSD from military but from what I’ve learned it’s not unusual for PTSD, whatever the cause, to affect intimacy. I think it’s related to something about the amygdala and trust. When the delicate cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones is activated for sexual intimacy, there can be something like “crossed wires” from the over-activated trauma response.

The good news is that it can be addressed and rewiring can take place. Also, you don’t necessarily need a sex therapist, standard therapists are usually trained to help clients face sexual issues as they are pretty common issues for people with PTSD and other mental disorders.

Not that it’s easy to talk about sexual issues with therapists! But if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with a professional in talking about it then there is a possibility you can recover from the issue.

Do you have access to any therapists at all? Other professionals who could potentially help with these issues are trauma-release massage therapists who work with clients in staying present in their bodies, and some mindfulness coaches can help with facing flashbacks and developing a practice of embodiment.
 
Your not alone. There are men on here who struggle with various aspects of sex too. I'm female and struggle (sexual trauma is the cause for me). I also struggle with orgasm the last 3 years (since I started therapy: wasn't a problem before). And other aspects.

I don't know if, for me, it's about letting go and not being in control that is the problem. Or feelings being overwhelming and that means my body shuts down. I think my body can't understand the difference between a good overwhelming feeling (orgasm) and a terrible overwhelming feeling (trauma).
I've done work with my therapist (she isn't a sex therapist) about this. And she has broken things down for me. Like, what are my thoughts during and how can I have thoughts that help. How can I be present in sex rather than go through thoughts that take me somewhere else. And that actually works. If I am fully fully present in the moment, it is better.

So I don't know if any of that is similar for you or not? Are you aware of what your thinking? Are you aware of what you're feeling? And how can you help your mind and body orienate itself to the safe activity you are doing rather than it thinking there is danger around?
 
Well, it can get better. Hi, I'm a guy with PTSD-related intimacy issues, and what you're describing sounds pretty standard for PTSD. The problem is that this is difficult to fix by yourself.

How's the PTSD otherwise? Have you been getting treatment? If the answer is no, then your next move is clear. While you don't need a sex therapist (did you know most of them don't have any training in trauma issues?) I'd definitely look for a therapist with experience in trauma and PTSD if you can find one.

If you have been getting treatment for PTSD, then you'll have to let your provider know what's going on. Like I said, it's pretty standard, so they should be able to help.
 
i find myself wanting to dig for the more obscure side triggers. i am an army vet and a child sex trafficking survivor. i carried my ptsd into the army with me and started my therapy in earnest at base infirmaries. i heard more sexual innuendo in the army than i ever heard in the kiddie whorehouses, ranging from the cliche GI chuck and jive to the veiled threats of male-on-male rape which ride on the "like a girl" insults drill sergeants, etc., like to use for motivation. in the sorting of my strictly personal complex trauma, i have found often that casual, unrelated comments made just before and/or after a trauma can grow into meaner triggers than the trauma itself.

okay, okay. . . putting my inner freud back in her cage now. . . go snort some more cocaine, you pink glittered goateed female dog. . .

reminding myself that i am just a patient, i am offering gentle support while you sort your own case.
 
Sorry you’re dealing with that. I don’t have PTSD from military but from what I’ve learned it’s not unusual for PTSD, whatever the cause, to affect intimacy. I think it’s related to something about the amygdala and trust. When the delicate cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones is activated for sexual intimacy, there can be something like “crossed wires” from the over-activated trauma response.

The good news is that it can be addressed and rewiring can take place. Also, you don’t necessarily need a sex therapist, standard therapists are usually trained to help clients face sexual issues as they are pretty common issues for people with PTSD and other mental disorders.

Not that it’s easy to talk about sexual issues with therapists! But if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with a professional in talking about it then there is a possibility you can recover from the issue.

Do you have access to any therapists at all? Other professionals who could potentially help with these issues are trauma-release massage therapists who work with clients in staying present in their bodies, and some mindfulness coaches can help with facing flashbacks and developing a practice of embodiment.
Thank you for the awesome response. I have brought it up to my trauma therapist before and recommended I seek out a sex therapist. I was to embarrassed to continue prodding and moved on. I will look into the other recommendations you provided. Thank you

Your not alone. There are men on here who struggle with various aspects of sex too. I'm female and struggle (sexual trauma is the cause for me). I also struggle with orgasm the last 3 years (since I started therapy: wasn't a problem before). And other aspects.

I don't know if, for me, it's about letting go and not being in control that is the problem. Or feelings being overwhelming and that means my body shuts down. I think my body can't understand the difference between a good overwhelming feeling (orgasm) and a terrible overwhelming feeling (trauma).
I've done work with my therapist (she isn't a sex therapist) about this. And she has broken things down for me. Like, what are my thoughts during and how can I have thoughts that help. How can I be present in sex rather than go through thoughts that take me somewhere else. And that actually works. If I am fully fully present in the moment, it is better.

So I don't know if any of that is similar for you or not? Are you aware of what your thinking? Are you aware of what you're feeling? And how can you help your mind and body orienate itself to the safe activity you are doing rather than it thinking there is danger around?
Thank you for the response. It’s nice to know the isn’t one off thing that no one has an answer too.

Im always hoping that I can just take a pill or a simple exercise and everything will be better. It’s something I’m so embarrassed to talk about, but eats at me so much.

Thank you for the encouraging words and an idea on how I can move forward!

Well, it can get better. Hi, I'm a guy with PTSD-related intimacy issues, and what you're describing sounds pretty standard for PTSD. The problem is that this is difficult to fix by yourself.

How's the PTSD otherwise? Have you been getting treatment? If the answer is no, then your next move is clear. While you don't need a sex therapist (did you know most of them don't have any training in trauma issues?) I'd definitely look for a therapist with experience in trauma and PTSD if you can find one.

If you have been getting treatment for PTSD, then you'll have to let your provider know what's going on. Like I said, it's pretty standard, so they should be able to help.
Thank you for the response. It’s good to hear that it’s a normal response for PTSD. When trying to do my own research, it always would come up with issues related to sexual trauma, making it feel like my problem existed in isolation of other persons experiences, and maybe more than just PTSD. I am getting treatment with a great trauma therapist, but when I have broached the subject before, it was recommended I should look into a sex therapist, and I respect that they admitted they did not know and were not comfortable giving advice on the subject.
 
Have spent my time wishing it away too. But carrying on doing the same thing in the same way, doesn't make it go away. We have to do something different, even though it is painful.
Being aware of what is happening, before it gets to a panic attack, could be a really good place to start.

I wonder if it is worth raising the topic again with your therapist? I know how brutally embarrassing it feels but..... It is worth it.

Maybe she can explain what she meant about needing a sex therapist, and what she feels able and not able to deal with. Because maybe she can help with the panic attack part of it? Maybe she feels unable to help with the orgasm part (but that seems related to the panic attack, which would be a trauma response issue that she could manage?) And maybe she feels unable to help with the keeping an erection part. But from what you write, it sounds as though the most distressing part at the moment is the panic attacks making you stop. And a panic attack is a panic attack. This one happens whilst having sex. I would if this is an area she could help you with?
 
Combat Vet here. I went the other way, but? NOT an uncommon problem. For a lot of reasons. (See below).


There are also VA sex & intimacy clinics, and many Vet Centers have specialists in exactly that area. I personally won’t touch the VA with an electrified pole wrapped in razor wire, but do use Vet Centers (the information is one way; the VA cannot even ask much less demand for any info from vet centers, but vet centers can snag your whole file if you ask them to).
 
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