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Sufferer Into/ emotional flashbacks/ feeling hungover

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I can always forget what a hard time I've been having, so I don't bother with counseling. But sometimes things pile up and I get emotional and then feel like I'm hungover for a few days. Then I forget about it and carry on. Last night I had the strongest ever (measured by duration) emotional crapton of crying triggered by a tv police drama about a rape. I totally lost it and ended up searching online for a support line, waited 45 minutes for a chance to chat. This morning I called off sick from work and have spent the entire day in bed. I am exhausted and feel terrible. I feel so bad that I made an appointment for counseling.

So here's the thing. I've been in and out of counseling enough to know all the how-to's about taking care of yourself. But when this stuff hits, nothing matters except how overwhelmed I am with these bottomless, endless, tears. This incredible feeling that I don't what it is but maybe sadness or grief describes it. I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of a terrible car crash. Broken vehicles and bodies all around, and the horror of the moment hasn't yet sunk in. What is that?

I don't understand how I can have all the right answers and do the meditation and stay fit and eat well and perform exceptionally well at work and then get my feet kicked out from under me when I have no idea it's coming. So here I am. And I feel bad.

And dang, that prefix "sufferer." That's awful. I officially call it "experiencer."
 
I can always forget what a hard time I've been having, so I don't bother with counseling. But sometimes...
Oops. I think this was supposed to go into another forum. So the intro is, PTSD, lifelong, just got it labeled a year ago, which drove me to read about PTSD, which helped me realize that 30 years ago when I was being treated for severe depression it was PTSD taking over my life. But I took charge back, got out of that mis-treatment system. But now in the last couple of years, the symptoms are roaring back to life. Some trauma counseling earlier this year was very helpful and helped me be at peace with both things I remember as memories and things that I don't remember but "know." A lifetime of being told by everyone around you that what you see is not really what's going on puts a hurtin' on your self-trust. Anyway -- during the trauma counseling earlier this year I realized that a particular flashback that I've had all my adult life was part of a larger story. I grieved a bit and thought that was that. But I was wrong, and suddenly -- well -- see above. That's my intro: Flashbacks are exhausting and I want the emotional impact to be done with and I want to be "normal" and by that I mean I want to be what everyone else thinks I am. Strong and unflappable with no horrid stories lurking.
 
Wow! Thanks for sharing! I think a lot of us can.probably relate. I first heard the term "flashback hangover" today and I thought "yes!" I've been dealing with a bad bout myself lately and know exactly what you mean by the exhaustion!
It's feels really great to welcome you here! You sound like an amazing, deeply insightful, resourceful and awesome person. We all get how utterly crap this condition is but I liked your take on "experiencer" rather than "sufferer". I guess there are upsides but it's pretty hard to find them when It's bad. Compassion for others doing it equally or even harder might be one.
 
It sounds like you know coping skills.

Have you tried processing your trauma?
I don't know what that means, to process trauma. I think it means, that if you could process it, then it wouldn't be trauma? It's like, your dog dies and you're sad for a while but you get over it, right? In my case, crap happened. I haven't figured out how to process stuff that doesn't come with a story attached. More info, please, and thank you.
 
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